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| Version | User | Scope of changes |
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| Nov 25 2007, 2:14 AM EST (current) | IronChefCrazy | 107 words added, 74 words deleted |
| Nov 19 2007, 5:46 PM EST | IronChefCrazy | 10 words added, 7 words deleted |
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Episode 1x01: "Pie-Lette"
[In an infinite field of daisies set against an impossibly blue sky, a young boy is chasing after a golden retriever and pass by a sign: "Welcome to Coeur d’Coeurs, est. 1802"] Narrator: At this very moment in the town of Coeur d’Coeurs, young Ned was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old. His dog, Digby, was 3 years, 2 weeks, 6 days, 5 hours and 9 minutes old. And not a minute older. [Digby runs straight into the highway and is struck by a semi. Ned drops to his knees in front of his dead dog and gingerly touches his face: Digby instantly gets up and runs back into the field, while Ned looks after him in surprise]
Narrator: This was the moment that young Ned discovered that he wasn’t like the other children: nor was he like anyone else, for that matter. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. [Ned follows after Digby; unbeknownst to him, after one minute, a squirrel falls from a tree, dead. Cut to NED’S KITCHEN: a fly lands on the window sill and Ned’s mother swats it dead. As she goes about preparing a pie, Ned touches the dead fly: it stirs and it flies away. Ned’s mother starts a timer as she puts the pie in the oven]
Narrator: This gift was a gift given to him, but not by anyone in particular. There was no box, no instructions, no manufacturer’s warranty: it just was. The terms of use weren’t immediately clear, nor were they of immediate concern: young Ned was in love. Her name was Chuck. At this very moment, she was 8 years, 42 weeks, 3 hours and 2 minutes old. Young Ned did not think of her as being born or hatched or conceived in any way: Chuck came ready-made from the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life. [CHUCK’S FRONT YARD: Ned, outfitted in red pterodactyl costume and Chuck in her dinosaur costume smile gleefullywickedly at one another]
Narrator: In their imaginations, young Ned and a girl named Chuck conquered the world. [the Play-Doh town comes to life and flee in fear of Ned and Chuck, who are happily stomping the community to pieces; back in Ned’spieces. NED'S kitchen,KITCHEN: his mother dustsis dusting him off with a broom]
Narrator: Long after their playdate was over, young Ned remained under Chuck’s spell. Until a blood vessel in his mother’s brain burst, killing her instantly. [Ned’s mother falls flat on her back, dead; Ned hesitantly touches her cheek and she comes back to life]
Ned’s Mother: Must’ve slipped – clumsy. [gets up and heads for the stove] Did the timer go off?
Narrator: Young Ned’s random gift that was, came with a caveat or two. [After one minute, the timer goes off. Ned looks out the window and sees Chuck’s father fall flat on his back, dead; his mother follows his line of sight and drops the pie in shock] It was a gift that not only gave – it took. Young Ned discovered that he could only bring the dead back to life for one minute without consequence; any longer, and someone else had to die. [NIGHT: Ned is looking out his bedroom window as the coroner’s wagon takes away Chuck’s father; his mother is preparing his bed]
Narrator: In the grand universal scheme of things, young Ned had traded his mother’s life for Chuck’s father.
Ned’s Mother: C’mon, Big Daddy, into bed.
Narrator: But there was one more thing about touching dead things that young Ned didn’t know … and he learned it in the most unfortunate way … [As Ned settles into bed, his mother kisses his forehead, she drops to the ground, dead; Ned touches her to no avail] First touch: life. Second touch: dead again, forever. [CEMETARY: Young Ned is surrounded by family as they bury his mother]
Minister: He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me in …
Narrator: After a brief mourning period, young Ned’s father would hustle him off to boarding school, never to be seen again. [across the cemetery, there is another service for Chuck’s father; it is a Jewish funeral officiated by a Rabbi]
Narrator: Chuck would be fostered by Aunts Lily and Vivian, a renowned synchronized swimming duo: they shared matching personality disorders and a love for fine cheese. [Ned and Chuck look at each other across the short distance and come together for a kiss]
Narrator: At their respective parents’ funerals, dizzy with grief, curiosity and hormones, young Ned and a girl named Chuck had their first and only kiss. After his mother’s death, Ned avoided social attachments, fearing what he’d do if someone else he loved died. [the yellow sun in the background morphs into a strawberry pie; pull back to reveal Ned’s pie shop, THE PIE HOLE]
Narrator: And he became obsessed with pies. It’s 19 years, 34 weeks, 1 day and 59 minutes later, heretofore known as "Now." Young Ned has become The Pie Maker. And this is where he makes his pies: the peaches never brown, the dead fruit in his hands becomes ripe with everlasting flavor … as long as he only touches it once. [DINING ROOM: the highly-caffeinated Olive Snook is unleashing her perkiness on an unwilling and unamused customer, Emerson Cod]
Olive: EverydayEvery day I come in, I pick a pie, I concentrate all my love on that pie. ‘Cause if I love it, someone else is gonna love it, and y’know what? By the end of the day, I’ve sold more of those pies than any other of the pies in the bakery.
Emerson: [humoring her] Yeah? What pie do you love today?
Olive: Rhubarb.
Emerson: [flatly] I’ll stick with Three Plum. Á la mode.
Narrator: Emerson Cod was the sole keeper of The Pie Maker’s secret. And this is how he came to be the sole keeper of The Pie Maker’s secret: a private investigator, Mr. Cod met The Pie Maker when his Pie Hole was on the verge of financial ruin. [Emerson is chasing a suspect across the rooftops, whenrooftops. When the suspect misses a jump and lands several stories down on a dumpster, killinghe him,dies; but as Ned isthe takingdead outsuspect thebounces trash,off the suspectdumpster, he collides with NedNed, andwho is revived;taking out the garbage, and is revived. Ned touches him again so that he dies, then looks up to see Emerson]
Narrator: Mr. Cod proposed a partnership: murders are much easier to solve when you can ask the victim who killed them. The Pie Maker reluctantly agreed. [Ned and Emerson are sitting in a booth]
Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie": it’s disrespectful, stumbling around squawking for brains, it’s not how they do. And undead,"undead", nobody wants to be un- anything. Why begin a statement with the negative? It’s like saying "I don’t disagree": just say "You agree".
Emerson: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You’re either living or you’re dead: when you’re living, you’re alive, when you’re dead, that’s what you are; but when you’re dead and then you’re not, you’re alive again. Can’t we say "alive again"? Doesn’t that sound nice?
Emerson: Sounds like you’re narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What’s the other one?
Ned: Necrophilia.
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: [chiming in] Me, too! I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food. [they stare at her; her face falls] I don’t think that anymore.
Ned: Can you lock the door behind you? [Olive leaves]
Emerson: So you want in on this opportunity or not? A dog is involved. [Digby looks up and whines]
Ned: What kind of dog?
Emerson: It’s gonna be a dead dog: dead dog named Cantaloupe. They’re putting her down – allegedly killed her owner.
Ned: When you say "allegedly" …
Emerson: Cantaloupe was framed. Someone put part of the victim in her mouth.
Ned: Huh.
Emerson: Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family. [shows Ned a photo of a Chow]
Ned: Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?
Emerson: Hey, that’s racial profiling! Lookee here: if the dog is innocent, then it’s murder. And if it’s murder, there’s a reward.
Narrator: The facts were these: one Leonard Gaswint, 39 years, 42 weeks, 5 days, 3 hours and 26 minutes old, was found mauled to death in his home office. His dog, Cantaloupe, was the sole witness and only suspect in the murder. [DOG POUND: Cantaloupe is locked up in a kennel. MONTAGE: Poster of a photo of Leonard Gaswint and a reward of $20,000]Narrator: Convinced of his innocence, the Gaswint family offered a significant reward to find the real killer. [CITY MORGUE OFFICE: a dour Coroner looks up at Emerson and Ned]
Coroner: [to Ned] You the dog expert?
Ned: Uh-huh.
Coroner: Already had a dog expert.
Ned: [unconvincingly] I’m the, uh, other one.
Coroner: Mmm-hmm. [MORGUE: Ned takes a peek at the corpse under the sheet]
Emerson: How does he look?
Ned: Fine, but my threshold’s pretty high, so you have to take what I say with a grain of salt.
Emerson: [takes a look and grimaces] That ain’t a grain of salt: that’s one of them blocks they give cows to lick.
Ned: He can’t help how he is.
Emerson: That don’t make it any less traumatic.
Ned: For who?
Emerson: Me. And I’m sure him, but mainly me. I’m gonna wait outside. [Emerson leaves. Ned starts his watch,watch and touches the corpse andcorpse; he props himself up on an elbow; he seemselbow, pretty friendly for a guy missing his entire right cheek]
Leo Gaswint: Hello.
Ned: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Gaswint. Or, do you prefer Leonard or …
Leo Gaswint: [chipper] Leo!
Ned: Leo, um, your current condition … [gestures at his cheek]
Leo Gaswint: [imitating Ned] Do I have something right here?
Ned: No. There’s nothing right there.
Leo Gaswint: Damn dog …
Ned: Cantaloupe?
Leo Gaswint: No, no, Cantaloupe’s docile as a kitten. It’s that Rottweiler: my secretary sicced her dog on me. She’s been upset since last year’s Christmas party. Y’know, it’s a funny story, I – [Ned touches Leo who immediately goes back to being a corpse again; Ned goes out into the office]
Coroner: Was it the Chow?
Ned: The secretary. With a Rottweiler.
Coroner: Mmm-hmm. [DOG POUND: Cantaloupe is freed]
Narrator: Her good name cleared and her execution stayed, Cantaloupe was freed, and the secretary and her Rottweiler were hauled to justice. [OLIVE’S[OLIVE’S APARTMENT: she is watching TV with Digby. It shows the secretary and muzzled dog being led away by the authorities]
Newscaster: An anonymous tip led to solving the murder of a Michigan entrepreneur thought to be mauled to death by a family pet. The truth, however, is much more sinister –
Narrator: Olive Snook,Snook enjoyed her time with Digby: he was a surrogate for the human connection she wanted with The Pie Maker. Her desperate attempts to connect to someone so disconnected terrified him. But that didn’t stop her from trying. [knock at the door; she opens it for Ned and leads him inside]
Olive: How was your convention?
Ned: Conventional. How was Digby?
Olive: Neurotic. He’s a very needy dog. Do you pet him? [pokes him with a finger; he backs away] Maybe if you pet him once in a while, he wouldn’t be so neurotic.
Ned: I pet him. I’m allergic, so I can’t actually touch him, but I pet him.
Olive: With a stick? How do you pet him?
Ned: A stick is involved, but it’s a handle to a, uh, a petting device. [as Olive approaches him, Ned keeps backing away, stumbling into the coffeetable]
Olive: A dog needs to be touched. [seductively] We all need to be touched.
Ned: You touch him – other people touch him.
Olive: He’s your dog. [she stands on the coffeetable, takes his hands and places it on her shoulders] Do you … touch anything?
Ned: [uncomfortable] Of course, I, uh, I touch lots of things.
Olive: Affection – when was the last time someone touched you with affection?
Ned: [stuttering] I get touched. Can you get Digby’s leash now? [Olive gives up and goes to the kitchen; Ned turns to Digby] You don’t mind that I don’t touch you, do you? [Digby whines in response]
Narrator: And then came the event that changed everything … [Ned turns to the TV and sees footage of a woman being lifted out of the ocean]
Newscaster: In the news, the body of a young woman allegedly murdered aboard a cruise ship has been recovered from the sea. The victim’s identity is being withheld –
Narrator: The Pie Maker listened intently to the news, unaware that he stopped breathing. He was haunted by the name of this woman who met her end on the high seas.
Olive: Here’s your leash.
Narrator: But he didn’t know why. [THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Ned is petting Digby with a wooden hand attached to a stick, watching the news]
Newscaster: Her name still withheld, very little is known about the victim apparently traveling alone when murdered aboard a passenger ship that was returning from a tropical cruise, sailing between the United States and Tahiti. The ship’s captain initially dismissed the death as an accident, suggesting that the victim likely returned from a late night out – [knock at the front door: it’s Emerson. They sit at the counter]
Emerson: Been watching the news lately?
Ned: It doesn’t seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat.
Emerson: A lot going on with that dead girl.
Ned: That so?
Emerson: Mmm-hmm, $50,000 worth of "That so". You interested in a conversation?
Ned: I could be persuaded.
Emerson: Well, you’d better be persuaded quick, ‘cause the dead girl’s about to go into the ground.
Ned: They just pulled her out of the water …
Emerson: Jewish. Christians leave ‘em laying around; Jews gotta get ‘em buried.
Ned: Where we going?
Emerson: Coeur d’Coeurs. Ever been there?
Ned: I grew up there. Sort of. This dead girl from Coeur d’Coeurs: she have a name?
Emerson: Charlotte Charles. [MONTAGE: Flashbacks of his young childhood sweetheart,sweetheart Chuck... ]
Ned: [realizing] Chuck.
Narrator: The Pie Maker never returned to Coeur d’Coeurs after being sent away to school, but he thought of Chuck every day. [BUS: Ned and Emerson sit together; we see the same field of daisies and sign from the opening]
Emerson: You know this girl?
Ned: I know of her.
Emerson: Know of her in the biblical sense?
Ned: I haven’t thought of her since I was ten.
Emerson: Think of her a lot when you were ten?
Ned: Don’t remember anything when I was ten. [Ned’s right eye twitches; Emerson notices but doesn’t say anything]
Narrator: The Pie Maker remembers everything. The facts were these: Charlotte Charles, 28 years, 24 weeks, 3 days, 11 hours,hours and 51 minutes old, was found floating in the ocean, moments after her body was discarded there. Discarded by whom seemed to be a question only Charlotte Charles could answer. [COEUR D’COEURS FUNERAL HOME: in a montage, the funeral director is swiping heirlooms from various bodies in caskets; Emerson gives him some money and he directs them to a viewing room]
Funeral Director: Gentlemen!
Narrator: The funeral director, always eager to supplement his income was more than happy to grant the deceased an audience.
Ned: [stops inside the door] Um, I just want to, can I do this alone? On account of the whole historical context.
Emerson: You got something personal you need to say?
Ned: No. [eye twitches] Okay, maybe, but I have nothing to gain but a small amount of closure.
Emerson: What you got open that needs closing?
Ned: I just wanna say I’m sorry for something – one of those stupid things kids do they don’t know they’re doing.
Emerson: Okay, well, you ask her who killed her first.
Ned: Okay.
Emerson: You only got a minute.
Ned: I know.
Emerson: Sixty seconds.
Ned: I know. [Emerson waits outside as Ned shuts the door. He gingerly opens the casket to reveal the grown-up, beautiful but dead Chuck; his finger hesitates over her face]
Narrator: Only Prince Charming could know how The Pie Maker felt upon looking at her. Great thought was taken as to where to touch her. The lips, too forward; the cheek … the cheek. [Ned gently touches her cheek; the instant Chuck awakens, she slams Ned’s head into the casket lid and flies out, grabbing a chair in self-defense]
Ned: [holding his head] Ow! Ohh … Chuck, wait!
Chuck: Who are you?
Ned: Do you remember a little boy who lived next to you when your dad died?
Chuck: Ned? [puts down the chair and smiles] Oh, my God, hey! How are you? [she approaches him but he holds out a hand]
Ned: Good! You look great! Uh, do you know what’s happening right now?
Chuck: I had the strangest dream: I was being strangled to death with a plastic sack …
Ned: You were strangled to death with a plastic sack. It’s probably an odd thing to hear – I wasn’t sure how to sugarcoat it.
Chuck: [sees the casket and realizes] Oh. [realizing] Oh!
Ned: You only have a minute. Less.
Chuck: What could I tell you in less than a minute?
Ned: You could tell me who killed you so, y’know, justice can be served.
Chuck: Well, that’s really sweet but I don’t know who killed me. I went to go get ice and I dropped my room key in the ice maker, and as I was thinking, "That was dumb … "
Narrator: As she was thinking "That was dumb," Chuck was strangled to death with a plastic sack. [FLASHBACK: Chuck is being suffocated with a pink plastic sack by a ski-masked man dressed in black]
Chuck: And then you touched my cheek.
Emerson: [knocks on the door and whispers harshly] What’s going on?
Ned: Just a second!
Chuck: Is my time up?
Ned: I’m sorry.
Chuck: Well, thanks for calling me Chuck. Do you know no one’s called me Chuck since – since? Since you.
Ned: [shyly] I used to – when I lived next door to you – I had a crush – I was in – you … were my first kiss.
Chuck: Yeah? You were my first kiss, too. You were my last kiss: first and last. Is that weird?
Ned: That’s not weird. It’s magical. [Chuck closes her eyes and lifts her chin for a kiss; Ned is tantalizingly close]
Narrator: Chuck’s minute of life was nearly over. The Pie Maker’s lips went as far as they would go: he couldn’t will them to go any further. [Somewhere in the funeral home, the funeral director enters a private bathroom; suddenly, he slumps over dead] And as a consequence, the funeral director would go no further.
Chuck: [opens her eyes and sees Ned pull back] If you don’t want to kiss me, that’s okay, I just thought it might be –
Ned: I do, I – what if you didn’t have to be dead?
Chuck: Well, that would be preferable.
Ned: Nobody can know. Hop in! [Chuck gets back in the coffin] I’ve got to think of a way to get you out of here. Can you lie really still until I get back?
Chuck: Mmm-hmm. [Ned goes back outside to an anxious Emerson]
Ned: Doesn’t know, didn’t know.
Emerson: So somebody just threw her carcass over a boat – why are you sweating?
Ned: [eye twitches] I’m – it’s warm in there, what?
Emerson: Your eye’s twitching.
Ned: My eye?
Emerson: Your eye is twitching.twitching. When people aren’t being honest, their eye twitches. Right there! Like yours did just now.
Ned: It’s nerves. Aggravated by a stomach thing: it’s like acid reflux, but in my eye. I think I’m gonna stay for the service.
Emerson: [uh-huh] Is that so?
Ned: Just feeling nostalgic. Do you remember how to get back to the station? It’s down the, um, I’ll catch a later bus! [Emerson reluctantly leaves. Ned opens the door to find the coffin gone; he rushes out the front door and watches a hearse take Chuck away. Inside the coffin, Chuck ponders how she came to be lying in the dark]
Narrator: Lying in the dark, Chuck considered how she came to be lying in the dark. She considered the life that was with Aunts Lily and Vivian. [FLASHBACK: Aunts Lily and Vivian are in their sitting room with drawn expressions as Chuck parts the curtains open to let in sunshine] Their personality disorders blossomed into incapacitating social phobias, which made it difficult for them to leave the house. Which in turn made it difficult for Chuck to leave them. [on the front lawn, Chuck is in a beekeeper suit selling fresh jars of honey with a bum] She served her community by harvesting honey for the homeless. She never strayed far from home. [in the home library, Chuck is reading thousands of books] She read about people she could never be, on adventures she would never have. Life was good enough, until one day, it wasn’t: Chuck wanted more. [Chuck is walking into a travel agency] But at Boutique Travel Travel Boutique, she got more than she bargained for. [CEMETARY: Two workers are digging Chuck’s grave. Ned rushes up to them]
Ned: Hey, I think somebody’s truck is on fire. [said truck is indeed engulfed in flames and the workers run off; Ned opens Chuck’s casket to find her patiently waiting] Sorry I’m late.
Narrator: Only Sleeping Beauty could know how she felt at this moment. [THE PIE HOLE: Chuck looks a little put-off as Ned explains the ground rules]
Chuck: I can’t even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I’m not a fan of the hug.
Chuck: Then you haven’t been hugged properly. A hug is like an emotional Heimlich: they put their arms around you and give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety goes shooting out of your mouth like a big, wet wad and you can breathe again.
Ned: That’s fine for someone else to do if I’m choking on something other than emotion, but you can’t touch me.
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: [entranced] I lost my train of thought.
Chuck: How long have you been thinking about this?
Ned: Like thinking-thinking? It wasn’t premeditated, I wasn’t lying in wait, more like I was musing on the idea, not dwelling, although there were times I did dwell on you – about you, a little – but I wasn’t seriously considering ‘til the exact moment I did it, or didn’t do it.
Chuck: I always wondered if you’d come back. I guess you came back when I needed you most,most – well, that would’ve been before I was killed, but this worked out.
Ned: You understand you can’t go back, right? You can’t see your aunts.
Chuck: They’ll go off their rockers without me, besides they’re shut-ins: it’s not like they’ll talk to anybody.
Ned: People aren’t used to this sort of thing: issues of morality, how come she’s not dead anymore, it’d be a disaster.
Chuck: Well, I suppose dying’s as good as an excuse to start living. [NED’S APARTMENT: Ned and Chuck enter. Digby is lying on the rug]
Ned: This is Digby.
Chuck: Wasn’t your old dog named Digby?
Ned: This is him.
Chuck: Did you – ? And now he’s – ?
Ned: [sheepish] Yeah.
Chuck: You seem to do that a lot. Why do you do that a lot?
Ned: It’s just the two of you. I hate to be a bad host, but I’m sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.
Chuck: Oh, yeah, of course.
Ned: [stretches out on the couch] I’m gonna sleep here. You take the bed: I insist. Oh, my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I’m laying down now.
Chuck: I’d kiss you if it wouldn’t kill me. [Chuck is bed flipping throughchannels theon newsTV]
Newscaster #1: Twenty-eight year-oldyear-old, Lonely Tourist Charlotte Charles was laid to rest earlier today –
Newscaster #2: She is survived by her aunts, Vivian and Lillian Charles –
Narrator: In a strange bed, watching her own funeral on the evening news, Chuck was struck by the undignified nature of celebrity. No one wants to be famous for the way they died.
Newscaster #3: Boutique Travel Travel Boutique has offered a $50,000 reward in the murder of Charlotte Charles. [Chuck wakes Ned in the living room]
Chuck: Ned? [he stirs awake] Would I be alive right now if I knew who killed me?
Ned: Of course, don’t be silly. There’s something in the news about the reward?
Chuck: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don’t think justice was on the menu, maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée, it was a special of the day – can we drop the metaphor? I wouldn’t have known you died if it wasn’t for the reward.
Chuck: When were you going to tell me?
Ned: In the morning,morning or when it came up,up – whichever didn’t come first.
Chuck: $50,000: that makes a lot of pie.
Ned: $25,000: I have a business partner.
Chuck: What, it’s a business?
Ned: Not in a traditional sense …
Chuck: You touch murder victims, you ask who killed them, you touch them again, and they go back to being dead and you collect their reward?
Ned: That’s it in a nutshell.
Chuck: So, you after my reward? I’m not mad at you, I just want to know. I’ll be mad at you if you lie to me, though.
Ned: I don’t want your reward.
Chuck: I’ll be so mad if you’re lying, you’ll have me scratching at the drapes.
Ned: I’m not lying. Please don’t attack the window treatments.
Chuck: Okay. Go back to sleep. [Later, Chuck is in bed awake; she touches the wall betweenseparating them; Ned rolls over and touches the wall with his hand. Morning. Chuck wakes and sees a Post-It note on the bedside lamp: "Please do not leave this apt.!" Outfitted in Ned’s overcoat, scarf and sunglasses, she leaves the apartment just as Olive is leaving hers; they freeze]
Chuck: I’m a friend of Ned’s.
Olive: Does he touch you? [THE PIE HOLE: Ned and Emerson are in a booth]
Emerson: So how was the service?
Ned: Y’know, just paid my respects.
Emerson: You weren’t looking to get paid? [suspiciously] Might see a dead woman speaking to you in confidence as an opportunity to make a whole lot of money by your lonesome, regardless of prior arrangements.
Ned: There’s no opportunity here. [Chuck and Olive enter through the front door; Chuck slides in the booth next to Emerson]
Chuck: Are you the business partner?
Emerson: Yes, ma’am.
Olive: Found her upstairs. Doesn’t she look a lot like that dead girl?
Emerson: [knowingly] She looks exactly like that dead girl.
Olive: [to Chuck] You should take that as a compliment: she was pretty.
Ned: [dismissing Olive] Pie time.
Olive: [flatly] Pie time. [leaves]
Chuck: I’ve been ruminating – and by ruminating, I mean pondering, not chewing cud – how about we solve my murder and collect the reward? Wouldn’t that be poetic? Certainly an anecdote.
Emerson: [to Ned] She’s supposed to be in the ground.
Ned: [to Chuck] I thought you didn’t want the reward.
Chuck: No, I didn’t want you not to want the reward. $50,000, that’s a lot of money. Three-way split? 30-30-40? It’s only fair I get more: I did die for it.
Ned: I’m not a detective: I make pies.
Chuck: You can’t just touch somebody’s life and be done with it.
Ned: Yes, I can: that’s how I roll.
Emerson: I could do 30-30-40.
Ned: [to Emerson] She’s supposed to be dead – [to Chuck] You’re supposed to be dead! This is pushing your luck.
Chuck: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first. [THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Emerson is chastising Ned]
Emerson: It’s just so shockingly stupid, I have a hard time believing you did it.
Ned: You just agreed to be her partner.
Emerson: Oh, I intend to profit from your stupidity. Are you in love with her? ‘Cause it’s that level of stupid.
Ned: I’ll admit to being confused: it’s very confusing time – childhood issues, digging in the dirt – [Digby looks up and whines] It’s all coming up.
Emerson: Y’know what, we all have childhood issues, okay? [vehementlvehementlyy]] Believe me, I got the full subscription. Horror stories!
Ned: I kinda killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson: [recantinrecantingg]] Maybe not horror stories …
Ned: She doesn’t know. But I wanted to make it better or different than what it was, because what it was was her dead and I didn’t want that to be my fault, too.
Emerson: Well, who died instead? [Ned shows him the newspaper, the headline reads "Inexplicable Death at Funeral Home" with a photo of the funeral director, Lawrence Schatz]
Ned: It’s a random proximity thing.
Emerson: [angrily] Bitch, I was in proximity.
Ned: I wasn’t thinking.
Emerson: [off the paper] I wondered what happened to him.
Ned: He was a very, very bad man: he stole stuff off dead people and sold it on the Internet. It’s all in the obituary.
Emerson: Oh, that’s nice: the fact that he was a "very, very bad man" makes you feel better about what you did?
Ned: Yes. Immensely. I would’ve felt horrible if it was … you, for example. [Emerson smacks upside the head with the paper] I’m not proud!
Emerson: Y’know what? I’m glad you did it. Makes the worst thing I did seem insignificant.
Ned: Listen to you: all judgy-judge.
Emerson: "Judgy-judge"? Look: you don’t know anything about this girl except she got herself killed.
Chuck: I’m not who you think I am. [Ned and Emerson turn to see Chuck standing in the kitchen]
Emerson: Who does he think you are?
Chuck: The small town girl who never saw the world only to have her first time out be her last – well, that is who I am, but I was hoisted by my own petard!
Ned: What’s a petard?
Chuck: In my case, the petard is that Tahitian getaway: it was a devil’s bargain.
Emerson: Who’s the devil?
Chuck: Deedee Duffield, manager of Boutique Travel Travel Boutique. She offered me a high-seas adventure at no cost: all I had to do was pick up a package.
Ned: Are you a drug mule?
Chuck: No! I’m a … monkey mule.
Narrator: And these are the monkeys in question. [MONTAGE: a silver briefcase containing two plaster monkeys nestled inside]
Ned: You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?
Chuck: Deedee said they weren’t worth much: their only value was sentimental.
Emerson: Those must’ve been some emotional monkeys.
Chuck: You should ask Deedee about all of this: I’m very curious as to what she has to say.
Narrator: Boutique Travel Travel Boutique manager Deedee Duffield hoped the $50,000 reward would catch a killer before a killer caught her. The reward fell short of achieving its desired goal. [BOUTIQUE: NedNed, opensChuck and Emerson open the door to seefind the dead manager slumped at her desk with a pink happy face bag over her head]
Ned: Oh.
Chuck: So I guess I can’t be too mad at her. Is that how they found me? It’s humiliating.
Ned: I wonder how long she’s been here?
Emerson: Touch the poor bitch and ask her.
Ned: [hesitates; then to Chuck] I’m sort of embarrassed to do it in front of you. [Chuck playfully covers her eyes but peeks through her fingers as Ned starts his watch and touches the corpse; Deedee springs up and smiles at Chuck]
Deedee Duffield: [cheerfully] Hey, Charlotte!
Chuck: [less cheerful] Hey, Deedee!
Deedee Duffield: Now how’d I know you’d be the first person I see when I got to, uh – is[looks this?around] Is this – ? Which one is this?
Chuck: This isn’t either: well, maybe it’s both. Listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for like a minute, we’re gonna catch up, and then you’re not talking anymore.
Deedee Duffield: [confidentially] Does everyone get to do this? ‘Cause‘Cause, girl, we got to break it down.down ...
Chuck: Did you know I was gonna get killed?
Deedee Duffield: I thought there might be the possibility, yes, I’m real sorry about that, I probably should’ve said something. But to be honest – and really, why not at this point? – if it was safe, I would’ve done it myself. [relieved] God, this is fantastic: being honest is fun!
Emerson: Ask her who killed her and you and what’s with the monkeys.
Deedee Duffield: [to Chuck] Who’re those people?
Chuck: [indifferently] That’s Emerson, I don’t really know him. [then sweetly] And this is Ned: he was my first kiss. [Ned smiles shyly, cheeks reddening]
Deedee Duffield: [to Ned] You’re adorable! Look at – [Deedee leans across the desk, touches Ned’s cheek and dies again; Ned sits back in horror]
Emerson: [just a little peeved] You couldn’t have … scooted back a little?
Ned: I didn’t know she was going to touch my cheek: who does that?
Chuck: Actually, she does that a lot.
Emerson: All right, why would whoever killed you, kill her when he already got his monkeys?
Chuck: I dropped my room key in the ice maker: he couldn’t get into my room. [FLASHBACK: The Shiny Shoes Killer is holding a dead Chuck with a pink bag over her head, struggling with her locked cabin door]
Shiny Shoes Killer: Oh, for Pete’s sake: this is a nightmare!
Ned: He doesn’t have the monkeys.
Chuck: When you get murdered on a boat, where do they send your things?
Emerson: Your next of kin. [OUTSIDE THE CHARLES’ HOME: The aunts are inside as the Shiny Shoes Killer steps onto the lawn. Ned’s car pulls up with Chuck in the front seat next to him and Emerson in the back]
Ned: [to Chuck] You stay here.
Chuck: I just want to look in the window.
Ned: You can’t: you can have your pie but you can’t eat it, that’s the way it works.
Emerson: Y’all making me hungry.
Chuck: I was supposed to keep them sane and I left: I’d just die if anything happened to them, I mean I’d die again.
Ned: We’ll make sure your aunts are safe and then we’ll call the police. I wish I could give you an emotional Heimlich so you could cough up that wad of fear and anxiety, but I can’t. [to Emerson] Give her a hug. [he does so, reluctantly and awkwardly] That was from me.
Narrator: Aunt Lily and Aunt Vivian were all that Chuck had, and before Chuck, all they had were each other. [MONTAGE: a large colorful sign proclaiming the duo is behind a large, appreciative audience while they perform] While still in their teens, they made a name for themselves as "The Darling Mermaid Darlings". [MONTAGE: the same sign but faded with a dwindling audience] Many, many, many years later, still holding onto their fading glory as underwater artistes, their lives were changed forever, when Lily, while cleaning the litterbox, got dirty cat sand in her eye. [FLASHBACK: Lily accidentally flings kitty litter in her face] Not only did she lose her eye, but The Darling Mermaid Darlings lost their careers. They retreated behind a fence and made sure the world stayed on the other side. [OUTSIDE, Ned knocks on the front door]
Aunt Vivian: [through the door] Hello?
Ned: Hi, my name is Ned, I lived next door 20twenty years ago. I’m a – I was a friend of Chuck’s – Charlotte’s, rather. [the door opens and Vivian, the friendlier of the two, lets Ned and Emerson inside]
Aunt Vivian: Please come in, please! [SITTING ROOM: The women serve a plate of cheese and fruit. True to their reputation, the agoraphobic, anti-social aunts speak in a bizarre, schizophrenic tandem]
Aunt Lily: Charlotte was a firecracker: always trying to get us out of the house. Threatened to bake anti-depressants into our food: got to the point I was scared to eat anything she cooked.
Aunt Vivian: She was a good cook and a nice girl. [to Ned] Do you like girls?
Ned: Yes, ma’am.
Aunt Vivian: [off Emerson] Didn’t want to assume. Charlotte was a nice girl ...
Aunt Lily: ... With the exception of puberty.
Aunt Vivian: ... Which unfortunately was when Lily was going through a change of life.
Aunt Lily: Impolite to discuss a person’s menopause in mixed company.
Aunt Vivian: It nearly killed me.
Aunt Lily: Horrible the way Charlotte died: on a cruise. Last days spent surrounded my middle-aged, overweight women who wear sweatshirts with things sewn to them.
Aunt Vivian: ... Usually kittens made of felt.
Aunt Lily: Food is perfectly atrocious. Unless she enjoyed vomiting and diarrhea, I can’t imagine she had a good, last meal.
Emerson: Good, last meal can go a long way: our penal system makes a point of it.
Aunt Vivian: It’s nice she had a little glimpse of the world before she died.
Aunt Lily: Eh, the world isn’t that great.
Aunt Vivian: Well, at least she had the good sense not to fly: airplanes fall out of the sky every day.day! [Lily stops, annoyed with her sister’s ditziness; oblivious, Vivian hands a cracker to Emerson] Cheese? I would recommend the pure goat with blue ash: it has a grassy flavor.
Emerson: [takes a bite] It does have a grassy flavor.
Aunt Vivian: It’s delicious with Charlotte’s honey: youhoney. You haven’t lived ‘til you’ve tasted her honey! The homeless love it! [outside a dog barks and Ned turns to see Chuck peering through the curtains; alarmed, he presses the aunts]
Ned: Not to change the subject, but has the cruiseline returned her belongings? Specifically, a stainless steel briefcase?
Narrator: Chuck couldn’t remember why she was so desperate to leave this life behind: she missed her aunts, she missed her bees, she missed everything she was. [outside, Chuck glimpses at her beehive before climbing up a lattice and enters her old room; she opens the silver case on the bed to reveal the monkey statuettes] Smuggling monkeys put an end to her life. Chuck didn’t want to be remembered as the "Lonely Tourist": she wanted to be remembered as something sweeter. [Chuck hears footsteps: Lily is tipsily walking up the stairs toward her room. Chuck takes the monkeys, shuts the briefcasecase and goes back outside the balcony. Lily takes the briefcase; just as she walks out the bedroom, the Shiny Shoes Killer comes up from behind and smothers her with a pink bag, choking herbag]
Narrator: Unaware of Lily’s fate upstairs, The Pie Maker did his best to comfort Vivian.
Aunt Vivian: Charlotte always wanted to get away. [sadly] Got away further than any of us thought …
Narrator: In a rare moment of sensitivity, he reached out and touched her. [Ned touches Vivian’s hand; she freezes and gulps] … Not realizing that she didn’t like being touched.
Ned: [pulls back his hand and stands] I’ll go see if she needs help bringing it down. [Ned goes upstairs and sees the silver briefcase sitting on a table; suddenly, the Shiny Shoes Killer shoves the pink bag over Ned, lifting him off his feet when Chuck slams the briefcase against the Killer, releasing Ned. The Killer shoves Chuck away, then freezes in recognition]
Shiny Shoes Killer: Didn’t I kill you? [the loud clack of a safetycocked releasegun makes everyone turn to see Lily, hair askew, with a shotgun aimed at The Killer]
Aunt Lily: I can hold my breath for a long time. [blam! and the blast sends The Killer flying out a window]
Narrator: The jig appeared to be up: Aunt Lily was looking directly at her niece, her niece who wasn’t supposed to be alive. And if she possessed two good eyes, she would’ve seen her. [Ned and Chuck stare at Lily in apprehension but her eyepatch prevents her from seeing her niece. Chuck makes her escape back outside] A rush of warmth washed over The Pie Maker: he would later describe this feeling as delight. The girl whom he rescued from the death had returned the favor. [Ned looks outside the broken window: Chuck kicks the dead killer and dashes off in time, just as Emerson, Lily and Vivian peer at the corpse. OLIVE’S APARTMENT: Digby is laying across Olive’s lap as she watches TV]
Newscaster: Former mermaids, Darling Mermaid Darlings, defeated a deadly home invader who may have a connection to the smuggling murder of their niece, Lonely Tourist Charlotte Charles. When asked about a Darling Mermaid Darlings reunion, the sisters mentioned a benefit performance to support "Honey for the Homeless" was in the works. [OUTSIDE THE PIE HOLE: Ned and Chuck sit on the bench with the statuettes]
Chuck: Was this really an act of kindness? Me, here? Were you really trying to do something good for no other reason to help me?
Ned: I was being selfish. [Chuck’s face falls] I’d love to tell myself I was being unselfish, but I know deep down in my primal sweet spot I was being unselfish for selfish reasons. I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.
Chuck: [smiles at his unselfish selfishness] Is there anything else I should know?
Narrator: The Pie Maker wanted to tell Chuck about that fateful afternoon when he inadvertently killed her father, but instead, he said:
Ned: No.
Chuck: [picks up the statuette monkey] Well, I figured since it cost me my life, I should get to keep at least one. And seeing as I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you … [gives Ned the other monkey] I want you to have the other one.
Ned: It’s like those little half-heart pendants except with monkeys.
Chuck: Thanks for bringing me back to life.
Ned: You’re welcome. [they bring the monkeys together for a kiss; Ned hefts the statuette] Oh, these are heavy … [both get it at the same time, then smash the monkeys together to reveal solid gold underneath]
Narrator: The monkeys’ value was significantly more than sentimental: they were golden. The man who killed Chuck was killed by Aunt Lily. [DAYLIGHT OUTSIDE THE CHARLES’ HOME: The aunts open the front gate, take each other’s arms, smile at one another and step out] After collecting the $50,000 reward, Vivian and Lily had a renewed interest in the world on the other side of their fence: they retreated from their retreat and took the plunge. [[MORGUE:MORGUE: Ned, Chuck and Emerson are in front of an open drawer with a corpse]Narrator: Emerson Cod was plunged into something else altogether: a three-way split.
Chuck: Y’know this whole thing is sort of like reincarnation but more immediate.
Ned: Sort of.
Chuck: [to Emerson] Do you believe in reincarnation?
Emerson: Hell, no. The planet’s falling apart: right now, it’s the children’s problem, we reincarnate, it’s our problem. [the Coroner entersenters; Emerson smiles at him] Afternoon.
Coroner: [to Chuck] You the toxicologist?
Chuck: Yes.
Coroner: [to Ned] Aren’t you the dog expert?
Ned: [eye twitches] No.
Coroner: Mmm-hmm. [the Coroner leaves; Ned starts his watch and touches the corpse]
Narrator: The facts were these: one Matthew Miltinberger, 37 years, 6 hours and 45 minutes old, was found stabbed to death in a public restroom. Before Mr. Miltinberger could get into the specifics of his demise, Chuck thought it would be nice to ask:
Ned: Hi.
Chuck: [to Mr. Miltinberger] Do you have any last words or thoughts or requests? [Emerson stops short, irritated; Ned looks up curiously] What?
Ned: Just something I never thought to ask.
Narrator: As he stared at her, he reached around and held his own hand, pretending he was holding hers. And at that very moment, she was pretending to be holding his.
FIN.
