Transcript: Episode 2

1x02: "Dummy"

[in a green field, Young Ned is standing alone under a tree wearing a school uniform, looking quite desolate]

Narrator: At this very moment, at the town of Northrush, young Ned was 9 years, 33 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours and 34 minutes old. He stood on the exact spot where 4 weeks and 2 days previously, his father had deposited him at the Longborough School for Boys. [several trunks appear next to Ned; a young classmate runs up behind Ned and bumps into him, then his father appears and bends to speak to him] As young Ned’s mother had died recently, there was reassuring physical contact and parting words: "I’ll be back." [his father pats him on the head and disappears] He lied. The sadness and dread which the boy felt were not so much a product of the Longborough School: young Ned’s acute discomfort came from the knowledge that when he touched a dead thing, it came back to life.

[SCIENCE LAB: a schoolmate behind Ned throws a wad of paper at his head and the other boys laugh]

Narrator: The other boys assumed his introverted nature was a product of weakness and coddling. Thinking of revenge and also not thinking at all, young Ned volunteered to assist with that day’s science project. [The science teacher writes "Frog Dissection" on the chalkboard; Ned raises his hand, a knowing smile forming. On a rolling cart, Ned touches the formaldehyde frogs before placing a tray on each table] Young Ned’s gift was governed by three simple rules: touch a dead thing once, alive ... [as a boy picks up a scalpel, the frog comes back to life and jumps away; chaos ensues as the boys scream and run away from the reanimated frogs; Ned is crawling away in the opposite direction and picks up a frog] … Touch a dead thing again, dead forever ... [the frog dies in his hand and turns brown again] … Keep a dead thing alive for more than a minute, and something else has to die. [Outside, Ned is perched in a tree, far away from his classmates; as three frogs below hop away, three birds from the tree fall dead] His gift had once again brought him great distress in place of great joy. He vowed to keep the strange details of his strange life secret from the world forever.

Science Teacher: Are you responsible for this?

Narrator: So young Ned did what his father had done to him only 31 days before:

Ned: No.

Narrator: He lied. For next 19 years, 29 weeks, and 2 days, keeping secrets worked beautifully. The boy became The Pie Maker, and The Pie Maker deceived with ease. Until Chuck ... [NED’S APARTMENT: Ned and Chuck are in separate single beds, lying on their sides gazing at one another]

Chuck: This is strange.

Narrator: Charlotte Charles had been alive for 28 years, 24 weeks, 3 days, 11 hours and 51 minutes, before she was murdered.

Chuck: Is this strange?

Ned: This is not strange. Unusual, maybe, eccentric, in a quaint way, like dessert spoons.

Narrator: Revived by The Pie Maker and given a second chance at life, she had many questions.

Chuck: I have so many questions, my mind wanders!

Ned: You need to feed it warm milk and a turkey sandwich, let it curl up in a sunny spot and take a nap.

Chuck: I miss my aunts.

Ned: Of course. Do you miss them a lot?

Chuck: A little.

Ned: All the time?

Chuck: Now and then.

Narrator: As Chuck spoke, she realized her secrets were really "a lot" and "every minute". In that order. [NED’S KITCHEN: They are preparing breakfast and setting the table]

Chuck: How many people have you touched?

Ned: People or animals? [stops short of a few feet of Chuck] Crossing.

Chuck: Digby doesn’t count. [Digby looks up and whines]

Ned: Digby does count: no one’s been through as much with me as Digby.

Chuck: How many people have you brought back to life?

Ned: It’s not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts willy-nilly.

Chuck: What about Emerson? [stops to warn Ned before going through a doorway] Oh, coming through! Touched lots of people with Emerson.

Ned: For work.

Chuck: Just because you kill ‘em again as soon as you get what you want doesn’t make it any different.

Ned: Yes, it does. [Chuck blocks the doorway] Coming through. [tantalizingly close; they share a look before she moves for him] And can we not say "kill"? I touch them again is all and they snap right back to the way they’re supposed to be.

Chuck: Am I the rubber band that broke?

Ned: Chuck, you’re the only human being I’ve ever made alive again to stay. [his eye twitches]

Narrator: He lied. In fact, The Pie Maker kept one other person alive for longer than a minute … [FLASHBACK: Young Ned revives his dead mother] Using the gift to temporarily revive his own mother, the unintended effect on Chuck’s father had been more permanent. [FLASHBACK: Chuck’s father collapses dead] The Pie Maker often asked himself if he would ever be able to tell Chuck this secret.

Chuck: Your eye’s twitching.

Ned: Is it?

Chuck: [peers inside the refrigerator disappointedly] This is such a small cheesebox.

Narrator: The aunts who had raised Chuck had taught her to believe that the large white appliance in the kitchen had a fairly narrow purpose. [FLASHBACK: Chuck is holding a plate of cheese and opens the "cheesebox". It is stuffed full with dozens of wedges and wheels of various cheeses, all carefully wrapped and meticulously labeled]

Chuck: [calls out] Aunt Lily! Is it okay to freeze the Camembert? I’d rather not wedge it in between the edam and paneer. Or I could air out the gouda!

Narrator: In fact, young Chuck did not refer to the refrigerator as anything but a cheesebox until she was seventeen. [OUTSIDE NED’S APARTMENT: As Ned and Chuck sit down for breakfast, they are being observed by their nosy neighbor, Olive, who is hanging precariously via bedsheet in order to hold a makeshift mirror tied to a cane]

Narrator: As Chuck considered the life she could never go back to, Olive Snook considered the changes in her own life. Foremost, the mysterious brunette encroaching on the man she herself loved. From her perch, the jealous yet agile neighbor was able to confirm only one pleasing detail:

Olive: There’s a surprising lack of physical contact. [losing her balance] Oh, crap. [drops the mirror and slams into the side of the building; a distant crash and screeching of car tires is heard]

Narrator: One mile to the west, Emerson Cod was also not thrilled. [EMERSON’S OFFICE: He is stitching a stocking] During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit. Since the arrival of the dead girl who was not dead, he found a stockinet stitch to be especially relaxing. [phone rings; he answers it]

Emerson: Emerson Cod.

Narrator: But no stitch was replacement for a good murder case.

Emerson: Thanks, got it. [hangs up and dials a number] Meet me at the morgue in fifteen minutes.

Narrator: As he finished purling the row, he wished aloud:

Emerson: She’d better not come. [OUTSIDE CITY MORGUE: Emerson watches Ned pull up in his car with Chuck in tow]

Chuck: [excitedly] Hi, Emerson! Isn’t this exciting? [as soon as she gets out, Emerson climbs in the car and locks it] Hey!

Emerson: [gestures "one minute" with a finger; unexcitedly to Ned] What she doing here?

Ned: Since she climbed out of a coffin, it’s been hard for me to keep her in a box.

Emerson: She the boss of you?

Ned: I’m the boss of me.

Emerson: Dead girl’s gotta go.

Ned: Dead girl’s not going anywhere.

Emerson: You don’t know nothing about her except she had soft lips when she was ten.

Ned: That should be enough.

Emerson: I don’t like it. [opens the door and gets out; as soon as he does, Chuck jumps in the car and locks it] Hey!

Chuck: [holds up her finger and gestures "one minute"; to Ned] What’d you guys talk about?

Ned: I’d really like to get out of this car soon …

Chuck: Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?

Ned: [lying] He barely knows you’re here.

Narrator: In fact, Emerson Cod had finished knitting a sweater vest and two handgun cozies in the week since Chuck’s return. [MONTAGE: Back in Emerson’s office, he opens up his jacket to reveal a knitted sweater vest and knitted handgun holsters; he pulls out a pistol]

Emerson: Sweet.

Chuck: Do I really have to sit in the back from now on?

Ned: It’s for your own safety.

Chuck: You sound like my dad.

Ned: If my hand brushes yours, you’d be dead.

Chuck: He didn’t say that.

Ned: So it’s probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits, someone might recognize you. You really can’t come in. [CORONER’S OFFICE: Chuck is standing between Ned and Emerson]

Ned: Did I say ‘can’ because I swallow my consonants sometimes. ‘ n’t, ‘ n’t. Can’t come in.

Emerson: [to Coroner] Got that hit-and-run?

Ned: We’re from that government safety place?

Emerson: [under his breath] Is that a question?

Ned: Government safety place.

Coroner: Mmm-hmm.

Narrator: The facts were these: One Bernard Slaybeck, an unmarried automotive safety specialist, 35 years, 10 weeks, 7 hours and 3 minutes old, was found dead by the side of the road ... [MONTAGE: Bernard is surrounded by other specialists wearing lab coats; a bloody "Deer Xing" sign and a dead Bernard lying on the road in his lab coat] ... The apparent victim of a hit-and-run driver. As there are no witnesses, the police are offering a reward for information leading to the arrest of the killer.

Emerson: Umm, I’m going to wait back here.

Chuck: You don’t like dead bodies, do you?

Emerson: Not when they sit up and talk.

Chuck: Poor man.

Emerson: Just touch it.

Ned: I’m starting the watch. [starts it and touches the corpse, who has tire treads on his face]

Bernard Slaybeck: Hey.

Ned: Hey.

Bernard Slaybeck: Why is everything so blurry?

Ned: Well, probably because your eyeballs are flat.

Emerson: Ask the question.

Ned: Mr. Slaybeck, do you –

Chuck: Do you have any last requests? Some unfinished business with this life we can help you with?

Emerson: [to Ned] Don’t let her do this.

Bernard Slaybeck: Is this heaven?

Chuck: Could be.

Emerson: No, it’s not.

Bernard Slaybeck: [off Emerson] Is that God?

Emerson: No, it’s not.

Bernard Slaybeck: I’m confused because I’m a Buddhist.

Chuck: Buddhism’s fascinating, isn’t it? Did it help you in your final moments?

Emerson: She wasting my minute.

Chuck: What’s with this minute and when did it become your minute?

Emerson: It sure the hell ain’t yours.

Ned: Hey, it’s everyone’s minute, or uh, twenty-two seconds.

Bernard Slaybeck: Can you get a message to Earth? Can you tell Jeanine in Promotions that I loved her?

Chuck: Of course.

Ned: Mr. Slaybeck, if you could remember anything about whoever was driving the hit-and-run vehicle that killed you, I think we could get you some justice.

Bernard Slaybeck: What hit-and-run? I was killed by a crash test dummy. [Ned touches him and he falls back dead, much to Emerson’s frustration. THE PIE HOLE: Ned sits at a booth opposite Chuck and an angry Emerson]

Emerson: I’m not God, but if I was, I’d be an angry god.

Ned: Oh, we gave it our best shot. So a crash test dummy killed Bernard.

Emerson: Bernard was delusional.

Chuck: Still a clue.

Emerson: It’s a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can undead and then re-dead again. [pointedly to Chuck] Like you’re supposed to.

Chuck: It’s my fault?

Emerson: When you get all Jabberwocky in my minute, it’s hard to follow up on "The dummy did it". Gotta get some real leads now.

Chuck: Isn’t that what a P.I.’s supposed to do? Investigate? Isn’t that the fun part?

Emerson: The fun part’s counting my money in the bubble bath. [Chuck gets the message and leaves]

Ned: Nice image. [Ned follows suit; then Olive climbs in next to Emerson]

Olive: So, what’s the poop?

Emerson: The "poop"?

Olive: Poop, scoop, the skinny, the haps, the dillio, the 411 – P.I. lingo.

Emerson: Rhubarb.

Olive: What’s that mean?

Emerson: P.I. secret code for "Get me a damned slice of rhubarb."

Olive: This isn’t Pies ‘r Us, Pie City or Thousands of Pies in One Place: this is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking-mom-and-pop place, we chit-chat here. Chit.

Emerson: [oh, leave me alone!] Chat.

Olive: You got it. So who’s the funny girl stuck to Ned?

Emerson: Childhood sweetheart.

Olive: Still sweet? His heart?

Emerson: You want the truth?

Narrator: Olive Snook did not want the truth. But her heart was so full that it reached up and nodded her head.

Emerson: He digs her in a way that he definitely doesn’t dig you.

Olive: [tamed by the truth] I’ll just go get your pie. [stands up] Do they touch much?

Emerson: Wish they would. [THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Chuck is kneading dough while Ned watches]

Chuck: Emerson thinks I’m useless.

Ned: You’re not useless. Here, let me: you sift. [kneads dough] Useless is an empty soap dispenser in a restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all. Uh, more flour.

Chuck: [churns from a flour sifter] I can’t be alive again for no reason. I mean, I suppose I could be, but where’s the fun in that?

Ned: We’ll find the killer, Emerson’s good at what he does.

Chuck: All Emerson cares about is the reward.

Ned: Maybe that’s enough.

Chuck: It’s not enough!

Ned: Enough flour. [stares at a huge mound on counter]

Chuck: Oh. Well, what about Jeanine? She needs to know that Bernard loved her – it was his dying wish.

Ned: That’s so sad.

Chuck: Oh, we’ll cushion the blow.

Ned: Not a big fan of the blow.

Chuck: We’ll bring pie: when someone dies, you bring food, that’s what people do.

Narrator: As The Pie Maker secretly thought how much better his life had become since Chuck had returned, Olive felt the distance between her and The Pie Maker grow more and more vast. Until it seemed she might as well be on the other side of the universe. [as Ned and Chuck leave to deliver the pie, they walk past the solitary Olive. MONTAGE: Olive is alone in starry space, the Earth appears and morphs into a TV screen and we see a commercial featuring a Dandy Lion car]

Commercial Announcer: The Earth is our only home: if we don’t take care of it, who will? Imagine a vehicle so revolutionary, it runs on an extraordinary new fuel derived from a renewable plant found everywhere: the dandelion. Introducing the Dandy Lion SX: it’ll blow you away. [DANDY LION INDUSTRIES SHOWROOM: it is starkly white and gleaming, punctuated by models in green dresses and dandelion headdresses. Ned and Chuck, carrying a pie box, mingles among the general public]

Narrator: While some came to Dandy Lion Industries to see the car of the future, Chuck and The Pie Maker came with a wish from the past.

Chuck: A car that runs on dandelions? That’s so neat!

Ned: How’re we going to find Jeanine? [the chipper spokesman and president, Mark Chase, is leading a group of Asians to a Dandy Lion car]

Mark Chase: This way, people: over here! [in Japanese] I want to show you what you’ve been waiting for. The Dandy Lion SX. I remind you that the car you see before you runs on a new fuel made from the dandelion weed. Please inspect the car at your leisure.

Chuck: [to Mark Chase in Japanese] It’s a cute car!

Mark Chase: [in Japanese] I am Mark Chase, President of Dandy Lion Worldwide Industries.

Chuck: [in Japanese] It is nice to meet you.

Chuck: [in Japanese] I was sorry to hear about your employee, Bernard Slaybeck.

Mark Chase: [in Japanese] Did you know Bernard?

Chuck: [in Japanese] He was an old friend.

Mark Chase: [in Japanese] How can I be of assistance?

Chuck: I need to see ... Jeanine from Promotions? It’s a personal matter.

Mark Chase: The flower on the turntable.

Chuck: Thanks.

Mark Chase: Have a nice day. [turns his attention back to his group] Please! Don’t touch! No smudgeness! [obsessively wipes the model car with a handkerchief] Now, who wants to see all the available colors for the Dandy Lion SX? [he raises his arm and they all follow suit]

Ned: You speak Japanese?

Chuck: Hai. When you take care of shut-ins your whole life, you have plenty of time to read. Don’t you have any hidden talents or hobbies? [Ned looks offended] I mean, regular ones.

Narrator: Chuck’s love of language had begun upon on the discovery of a portable cassette tape player and several boxes of language courses. [FLASHBACK: Chuck puts in a cassette and puts on headphones]

Language Instructor: The Jarlsberg is on the table. [Chuck mimics the phrase perfectly; the tape goes onto state the phrase in French, German, Swedish, Mandarin] [Ned and Chuck approach a model on a turntable with a Dandy Lion car; she hands out a spore to each]

Jeanine: [perkily] Hi! Flex your flower power! Would you like a fact sheet on the Dandy Lion SX, the Spores Car of Tomorrow? Get it? "Spores Car"? Well, I think it’s cute.

Ned: Are you Jeanine?

Jeanine: [face falls] Am I in trouble for making up slogans? ‘Cause I’ll say the "Blow you away" thing, but it seemed kinda redundant with the commercial playing all the time.

Chuck: We’re here on a more tragic matter about Bernard Slaybeck.

Jeanine: Maybe you got the wrong flower, but I didn’t know any Bernard.

Narrator: She lied.

Ned: Are you sure?

Jeanine: Know what I know – [suddenly] Is that pie?

Chuck: It was baked specifically for the recipient of Bernard’s message.

Jeanine: [heading toward a one-track/one-pie mind] It’s a shame to waste a perfectly good pie. Man, that smells good ... [her mouth is agape; Ned brushes her chin with the spore]

Ned: You’re drooling.

Chuck: But Bernard said –

Jeanine: He’s dead, right?

Narrator: The flower had a secret.

Ned: Yeah, he’s dead. Enjoy your pie.

Narrator: But her training as a display model allowed her to conceal any trace.

Mark Chase: [loudly to his group] Time to move onto the next step, people: the crash test facility!

Chuck: Crash-test facility?

Ned: Dummies. Feel like taking a tour?

Narrator: Safely out of sight, the flower began to weep. [crouching/walking behind the turntable, Jeanine cries while inhaling the pie] Like the rich sugary dessert she binged on, her tears would remain with her for only the next 10 to 15 minutes, before they would be purged from her body, like they had never existed.

Mark Chase: Ladies and Gentlemen: welcome to the Dandy Lion Worldwide Crash Test Facility! [slides his ID card and the doors open; they head inside the large test facility, then in English to researchers] Science Guys: I’d like you to meet our newest Dandy Lion dealers from a little territory I like to call Asia! [in Japanese] Japan rules! Number one! Bonzai! [in English to a researcher] Science Guy: tell ‘em what happens in here!

Science Guy: This is where we use electronic anthropormorphic units.

Mark Chase: [in Japanese] Dummies, yes?

Science Guy: To test our Dandy Lion SX for structural integrity, as well as the viability of all the restraint and impact initiated safety systems.

Mark Chase: We crash things in here. Boom! Deska? [the group cheers]

Mark Chase: Now, who wants to pull the lever? [Chuck raises her hand; Ned nods no and she puts her arm down. An Asian woman pulls a lever, activating a Dandy Lion model car attached to a hook: it speeds toward a wall where it crashes with a satisfactory boom!]

Narrator: As the group thrilled to the sight of twisted metal and simulated loss of life and limb, Chuck came upon an equally chilling sight of her own. [she opens a white door and peers in; her face blanches as she gestures to Ned. STORAGE ROOM: Ned and Chuck enter to find a room filled with crash test dummies outfitted in orange jumpsuits and harnesses suspended from the ceiling. One of the dummies is missing clothes and its face mask, revealing a mass of wires]

Chuck: One of these dummies is not like the others.

Ned: Where did his clothes go?

Chuck: Where did his face go?

Ned: Maybe Bernard wasn’t crazy. [THE PIE HOLE: Ned and Emerson sit at a booth with Chuck across them]

Chuck: The dummy did it.

Ned: Or at least someone in a dummy mask and orange jumpsuit. Chuck found a clue.

Chuck: I found a clue.

Emerson: Clue’s a board game: the Professor did it in the parlor with a rubber mallet. That’s a clue. We find evidence.

Ned: You gotta admit this means something.

Emerson: Could be a lead. Who’d have access?

Chuck: Loopy dandelion models, angry technicians, could be anybody.

Emerson: I did some checking on that car company: they got a lot riding on this Dandy Lion. A lot of angry competitors, too.

Chuck: We gotta get back in there tonight.

Ned: Oh, that’s not how we do.

Emerson: We gotta get back in there tonight. See if whoever took that dummy mask left any evidence.

Ned: Olive! [gathers the dirty dishes and takes them to the counter]

Olive: Hiya!

Ned: Going out tonight: frivolous thing, hardly worth explaining. Could you close up?

Olive: [staring at the dishes] I think I just did.

Ned: What?

Olive: [nothing!] See ya in the morning!

Chuck: Bye, Olive! Bye, Digby! [the trio leave the sad Olive and Digby]

Narrator: Olive often imagined there was an orchestra in her heart, music heard only by her, except when her heart broke open and it spilled out into the world. [the strains of "Hopelessly Devoted to You" is heard]

Olive: [singing] Guess mine is the not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
Not the first to know there’s just no getting over you
I’m hopelessly devoted – [the door opens and a couple walks in; Olive stops singing and glares] Excuse me, we’re closed. [they leave and she continues singing; Digby perks up]
You know I’m just a fool who’s willing
To sit around and wait for you
Baby, can’t you see there’s nothing left for me to do
I’m hopelessly devoted – [the door opens again and a young man with a floor waxer enters]

Manuel: [removing his ear buds] Hi, Olive!

Olive: Hi, Manuel!

Manuel: Can I do the floors?

Olive: Yeah, okay! [she and continues her duet with Digby, dancing in tune behind Manuel, who is moving to his own tune]
But now there’s nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love
And not in my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
I’m hopelessly devoted to you …

Manuel: [removes his ear buds] Did you say something?

Olive: [abruptly stops singing] No. [forlornly sits at a table and finishes her last note] Hopelessly devoted to you. [Digby licks her face]

Narrator: While Olive considered how much she loved Digby for paying attention to her when The Pie Maker would not, and Digby considered how much he liked salt … [DANDY LION INDUSTRIES SHOWROOM: Chuck, Ned and Emerson sneak in] … The Pie Maker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior conviction. [Emerson flashes an ID card]

Ned: Where’d you get that?

Emerson: [smugly] Contacted the company who makes these doors under false pretenses. They gave me a sample ID badge which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number on this machine. Is that cheating?

Chuck: I don’t know: is this? [pulls out an ID badge] I gave the security guard a hug goodbye: my upper body distracted him while these things I call hands – [wiggles her hands] – took this off his belt. [Emerson’s face falls as she slides the card and the door opens]

Narrator: At that moment, The Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.

Ned: [to himself] Why is it always a mixture? [Ned and Chuck wait by a model car while Emerson investigates]

Chuck: What do you know about Emerson besides that he privately investigates?

Ned: What is so great about knowing? When you lift up a rock, do you find whipped cream? No, you find worms. I say no to knowing.

Chuck: We haven’t seen each other in like twenty years: don’t you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.

Ned: Look, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of, we all have secrets.

Chuck: What secrets?

Emerson: Skeletons in the closet.

Ned: Exactly! How long have you been listening?

Emerson: [distinctly] There are skeletons in the closet. [STORAGE ROOM: The trio open the door and instead of crash test dummies, there are human corpses in silver jumpsuits in their place]

Chuck: Those aren’t skeletons.

Ned: Those are dead bodies. [starts his watch and touches a male corpse]

Male Corpse: [loudly] Hey! Rick! Rick Page! [holds out his hand instinctively]

Ned: [pulling back instinctively] Hi, Rick, um, do you know what’s happening right now?

Male Corpse: Uh, last thing I remember I was reading sales forecasts in the bath. Jeez, those things are dull!

Chuck: Have you ever heard of the Dandy Lion Car Company?

Male Corpse: Nope! You wanna open the kimono on why I’m wearing a silver leotard and hanging from a hook?

Chuck: You have any last requests or thoughts?

Male Corpse: Oh, I – [Emerson sighs, grabs Ned’s hand and touches the chatty man, silencing him forever]

Ned & Chuck: Hey!

Emerson: If I wanted to mingle with a bunch of geeks wearing leotards, I’da stayed in art school.

Ned: You went to art school?

Chuck: [to Ned] Didn’t know that, did you? [Ned starts his watch and touches a female corpse]

Female Corpse: Aaaahhhh!

Emerson: Aaaahhhh! [stops when Ned turns to him in shock]

Female Corpse: [calms down] I was just riding the Ferris wheel at the state fair when the teenager running it said I could ride an extra … [surveys her surroundings] … turn.

Chuck: Did you ever hear of the Dandy Lion Car Company?

Female Corpse: No.

Emerson: Movin’ on … [grabs Ned’s wrist again]

Female Corpse: Wait a sec: I did check a box that said I could be used to test automobile safety. Sounds scary, but when you’re dead, you’re dead. Am I dead? [Ned nods and touches her; they leave the storage room]

Chuck: There’s nothing illegal about any of that?

Ned: Why would Dandy Lion replace all their crash test dummies with bodies?

Chuck: And what happened to all the real dummies?

Narrator: Before Emerson Cod could reply with a clever if slightly insulting remark …

Emerson: Ssh, see that? [in the Showroom and behind the turntable, a shadow of a person is outlined against the wall to reveal Jeanine, sans dandelion outfit, crying and holding the remnants of Ned’s pie]

Chuck: Jeanine? [THE PIE HOLE: The trio is piled in a booth watching Jeanine inhaling an entire pie. She tries to speak with her mouth full]

Chuck: What?

Jeanine: [takes a drink of milk and swallows] I couldn’t tell you anything before because they were watching me. I hid at work to make sure no one would follow me home. The truth is: Bernie and I were so in love. It all started when he came to see this sales training thing and he was on a long lunch break and it was love at first sight – I couldn’t take my eyes off him! He just mesmerized me, my heart leapt out of my chest and I just couldn’t look away, I don’t know what it was, it’s like I got all misty-eyed, y’know, and I –

Narrator: And as Jeanine continued to eat her triple berry pie, she told them the story of her love affair with Bernard Slaybeck. [FLASHBACK: Mark Chase is showing his models how to present a spore and jiggle for customers]

Mark Chase: Present, present, present, present. And giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle … [Jeanine glances off to see Bernard sitting at a table eating a sandwich; their eyes meet shyly]

Narrator: They had met when the scientist had come to watch the sales training on a long lunch. The attraction was instantaneous and they would both confess to replaying this first encounter as they fell asleep in their beds that night. He would remember her hair as being slightly redder, her sweater slightly tighter, but the smile he would get just right. She would remember his look as shy but flirtatious, his tie as red but very thin, and that his sandwich was an Angus beef patty with butterhead lettuce, Roma tomatoes on a sesame seed whole wheat bun, and a glass of 2% milk. [later on Jeanine’s break, she listens to Bernard as he talks animatedly]

Narrator: As they talked these are the things she came to know first: the scientist was kind, the scientist was lonely, the scientist came alive when he told her about his hobbies about catching butterflies. When he admitted he always set them free, she felt dizzy and giggled for no reason. [later in the Showroom, the Dandy Lion car on the turntable is a-rockin’ and the interior glass is steamed from the inside. In a homage to Titanic, the two lovers’ hands are splayed on the window] The waif and the scientist fell deeply in love, hiding their affair from the world like a trade secret. But Jeanine from Promotions felt a chasm growing between them. [at the end of a workday, Jeanine waves goodbye to the other models while she waits for Bernard, but as the test lab doors open and only the other Science Guys come out, her expression changes from hope to despair] As the launch of the flower car grew closer, Bernard’s hours grew longer. He became distant and hard to reach. [NIGHT: on the highway, Jeanine follows Bernard – each driving a Dandy Lion – down the highway] Suspecting her safety scientist on stepping out on her, she began to spy. But there was no other flower: only mysterious trips to the darkness.

Emerson: [looks around suddenly] Where did she go?

Jeanine: [walking back to the table] Sorry, restroom! Mint, anyone?

Chuck: No, thanks.

Ned: Where was Slaybeck going on these night drives?

Jeanine: I could never see. And when I confronted him about it, he wouldn’t tell me anything. I thought he was being paranoid until he turned up dead. [looks at Emerson and his plate of pie] You gonna finish that?

Emerson: Yes.

Chuck: I wish we knew what he was doing …

Jeanine: [brightly] Oh, I figured it out! [her smile disappears as her gaze at Emerson hardens into steely determination, unnerving him. Finally, Ned scootches Emerson’s pie to Jeanine, who hungrily devours it. They leave The Pie Hole]

Jeanine: It’s easier if I show you!

Chuck: Shotgun!

Ned: Chuck!

Chuck: I hate the backseat!

Ned: Dead! Again! Forever.

Chuck: Fine.

Emerson: Eh-heh-heh. [on the road, Jeanine is driving her Dandy Lion while Ned follows in his car]

Chuck: She’s not going very fast.

Ned: That car can’t have a very big engine.

Emerson: Maybe she ate it. [Ned chuckles]

Chuck: That’s not funny: she obviously has a very serious disorder.

Ned: What do you mean?

Chuck: Seriously? That girl has got a whole secret life in the bathroom. And I know exactly how she feels.

Emerson: So do I.

Chuck: I hate having secrets! Now I am one: all these disguises, hiding in your apartment all the time.

Ned: I hate secrets, too.

Chuck: But you love secrets: you want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies. Well, I have a secret too: I do miss my aunts and if I can’t have them back, then all I have is you. Which is great but I don’t know anything about you since you were nine.

Ned: Well, it’s pretty much I bake pies and wake the dead: I live a very sheltered life.

Chuck: I already lived a sheltered life once. But it wasn’t as sheltered as you think: Aunt Lily had a very extensive collection of historic erotica hidden in the milk cellar.

Ned: [slyly] The milk cellar … [Emerson grimaces]

Chuck: Well, the cheese floor, the spooky place under the house, whatever.

Emerson: I would pay the both of you not to have this conversation in front of me.

Chuck: It’s not in front of you, is it? It’s to the side and behind you.

Ned: Can’t ride in the front, Chuck.

Narrator: Tragically for Jeanine, it didn’t matter where she sat. [inside Jeanine’s car, the dials go wild and electric sparks fly until it suddenly explodes! Ned screeches to a halt as debris scatters across the hood; in particular, a flaming box of Skadden’s Stimulant Laxative pills. HOSPITAL ROOM: Jeanine is encased in a body cast. Chuck has applied lipstick on the cast and finishes putting on eyebrows with a Sharpie]

Chuck: There ya go: good as new.

Jeanine: Do I look okay?

Ned: Runway ready.

Jeanine: Really? You don’t think these bandages make me look fat?

Ned: Not at all.

Jeanine: That’s so sweet! [to Chuck] Is he always this sweet?

Chuck: [still peeved about his half-human secret babies] I wouldn’t know.

Emerson: Look: some crazy car bomber just went through a lot of trouble to keep you from showing us whatever it is you were gonna show us.

Jeanine: The bodies.

Ned: What bodies? The dead bodies? We already found the dead bodies.

Jeanine: No. The ones in the big hole. [NIGHT: The trio approach an excavated hole filled with the crash test dummies from before]

Chuck: How sad.

Ned: Why would somebody do this?

Emerson: One way to find out. [they all jump in for a closer look]

Chuck: What is all that?

Emerson: One of these guys is outfitted with a computer hard drive to record any of the crash test data. You bury the dummies, you bury the data.

Ned: Couldn’t just erase it?

Emerson: Can never completely erase anything.

Chuck: Why are dead people on hooks and plastic people in graves?

Emerson: The company must’ve switched to cadavers so there’d be no permanent record of the crash test results, ‘cause dead people don’t talk. [hears the snapping of a branch] Usually. [the trio turn and look up to see a Human Crash Test Dummy holding a Taser in each hand, then fires one into Emerson and one into Ned. As they fall down, he pulls a third Taser and fires it into Chuck]

Narrator: As The Pie Maker’s brain crackled with 10,000 volts of electricity and then lost consciousness, Olive would have no such luck. [OLIVE’S BEDROOM: Olive and Digby are in bed]

Olive: Digby, you awake? [he whines and turns to her] I can’t sleep either.

Narrator: Closing her eyes only made her visions of The Pie Maker’s late night date with the perky brunette from nowhere more vivid and uncensored. [MONTAGE: Ned and Chuck are taking a candlelit bubble bath together, laughing, sipping champagne and kissing]

Olive: Oh, yuck.

Narrator: Olive decided she was done lying down about this.

Olive: [sits up] We are up. We are walking. [DANDY LION TEST FACILITY: The trio wakes to find themselves encased in body bags with their hands tied inside a Dandy Lion. They struggle and gasp simultaneously when they look out the windshield and see the Human Crash Test Dummy holding up a hook. It menacingly (and somewhat stiffly) walks toward the car and taunts them by scratching the windshield with the hook. The trio cringe and continue struggling when the Dummy takes off the mask to reveal … Mark Chase. He shakes his head and takes out a handkerchief to wipe off some grease on his hand]

Mark Chase: Automobile manufacturing’s a dirty business.

Narrator: Murder was not new for Mark Chase.

Mark Chase: Luckily, body bags keep things nice and neat.

Narrator: The facts were these: through a series of crash test experiments, Bernard Slaybeck had learned that the Dandy Lion was a deadly dud. [FLASHBACK: In the lab, Bernard pulls smoking and mangled test dummies one after another, shaking his head, clearly perturbed] Bernard begged the president to cancel the car’s launch, but Mark Chase had other plans. [Mark Chase proffers a wad of cash to Bernard, who makes a face and walks off; Mark Chase bends down and puts on the mask] Like a smoking gun, the smoking dummies would have to be buried. The company had invested millions in Dandy Lion, and he knew that keeping this terrible secret would still be cheaper than halting production of the car. The decision was made: a cover-up undertaken. If the dummies had to go, so would any dummy who got in the way. [Bernard swipes his card to leave but it won’t work. He turns around to see Mark Chase dressed up as a crash test dummy: he shoots Bernard with a Taser. Unconscious, the dummy puts him in a Dandy Lion, seals him in a body bag and pulls the lever to start the crash test. Bernard wakes up and screams just seconds before the car crashes into the wall] As he regained consciousness and hurtled toward the crash test wall, Bernard’s only thoughts were of Jeanine and how he wished he told her he loved her. Mark Chase’s attention to detail and gift for planning had served him well as a CEO, and now again, as a murderer. [The dummy splashes red paint on the "Deer Xing" sign, and plants Bernard's body on the road] His cover-up complete, his only thoughts were of the Dandy Lion SX would bloom on time and no one would stop him.

Mark Chase: [speaking and gesticulating maniacally] The Dandy Lion car is the culmination of my life’s work: it’s a flower power phenomenon born on thousands sleepless nights, intense Ritalin abuse and a long sublimated interest in botany! So what if – in the unlikely, but not impossible event – that the car gets up to a speed of 70 miles an hour with the headlights on and the seat warmer on low, a short circuit in the radio causes a cataclysmic chain reaction that blows the car and its precious human cargo to smithereens!

Narrator: As Mark Chase continued his monologue, unaware that it was completely inaudible from within the sealed body bags within the car, Chuck pondered why it was she always seemed to die just as things started to get good.

Chuck: Son of a bitch. [she turns to Ned who looks at her plaintively]

Narrator: And though he couldn’t hear her, Ned suddenly wanted to tell her everything: pet peeves and favorite foods, his fears, his dreams and all the pure joy she had brought into his life.

Mark Chase: Sayonara! [moves to attach the hook to the front of the car]

Narrator: This was the end. All over again.

Chuck: Goodbye. [they kiss through the body bags]

Narrator: Emerson Cod did not like to knit in public, but he often left the house with the needles in his pocket, should the opportunity to rib-stitch a ski cap present itself. [uses the needle to tear open the bag, then reaches over and unzips Ned’s bag]

Emerson: Drive! [Ned throws the car in reverse just as Mark Chase is about to attach the hook; they escape through the garage and onto the road; Mark Chase gets into a Hummer and speeds after them]

Narrator: If only The Pie Maker had heard the killer exclaim that the Dandy Lion SX was much more than an Eco-friendly car of the future; if only he’d heard it was also a death trap, a dandelion-fueled time bomb.

Mark Chase: C’mon, just a little faster! [rams them from behind]

Emerson: This car go any faster?!

Chuck: Some car of the future this is!

Ned: Thought the car of the future’s supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars? [the Hummer rams them off the road: the Dandy Lion flies down the cliff and back onto the road below with the Hummer still behind them. However, the police suddenly appear and stop Mark Chase]

Narrator: In the unlikely, but not impossibly event of reaching the speed limit of 70 miles an hour with the headlights on and the seat warmers set to low, a short-circuit in the radio would set off a cataclysmic chain reaction that would blow the car and its precious human cargo to smithereens. Jeanine had been the first unfortunate victim; and now ... [as they enter town, the dials begin to spin uncontrollably and sparks fly; the Dandy Lion fast approaches a figure in front of The Pie Hole]

Chuck: Watch out! [they all scream as Ned brakes hard before running over Olive and Digby; Ned gets out of the car and goes to a relieved Olive]

Narrator: The Pie Maker had never been so happy to see Olive. Olive had never been so happy to see The Pie Maker.

Ned: You okay?

Olive: I am now.

Narrator: Whatever The Pie Maker had been doing that night did not seem especially romantic.

Ned: Can you help us get out of these body bags?

Olive: Sure.

Narrator: Mark Chase’s chase had come to an end: his plan foiled and the police now closing in, the car maker tried to flee but only to discover that he was out of gas. Unlike The Pie Maker and his friends, the Dandy Lion Car Company did not survive once its dark secrets were revealed. Those responsible were punished for their wicked ways. [Headline of the newspaper reads: "Dandy Liar Sentenced to Dandy Life Behind Bars" and a photo of Mark Chase posing for a mug shot. HOSPITAL ROOM: Jeanine is out of her body cast and healing quite nicely; she reads literature on eating healthy, while a nurse monitors her every move]

Narrator: Others, strengthened by the news that their loved ones had not died in vain, reached out for the help and round the clock surveillance by a nutrition professional that they needed. [EMERSON’S OFFICE: He puts the reward money in a knitted green sock and places it inside a drawer filled with socks] And Emerson Cod realized he would not be not knitting anytime soon, as the dead girl who was not dead, appeared to be staying put. [THE PIE HOLE: Ned and Chuck walk out the front door past a still-hopeful Olive] A fact that The Pie Maker celebrated.

Olive: Not giving up, Digby. [OUTSIDE: Ned and Chuck get in the front seat. There is now a plastic divider with breathing holes between them]

Ned: Get in.

Chuck: The front?

Ned: You can drive now, too, if you want. [shyly] But I kinda love driving.

Chuck: [smiling] Really? I didn’t know that about you. [looks down at the plastic glove encased in the divider] What is that?

Ned: It’s for, um … [eye twitches] Steering emergencies.

Narrator: He lied.

Chuck: Perfect. That’s what I thought. [she puts her hand in the glove and they hold hands]

Narrator: She lied, too.

FIN.

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