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| Version | User | Scope of changes |
|---|---|---|
| Nov 19 2007, 7:54 PM EST (current) | IronChefCrazy | 111 words added, 37 words deleted |
| Nov 16 2007, 5:56 PM EST | IronChefCrazy | 12 words added, 5 words deleted |
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1x04: "Pigeon"
[ACADEMY PLAYING FIELD: Boys are playing kickball together,together while Ned is off to the distance, bouncing an orange ball off a tree]
Narrator: At this very moment, at town of Northrush, young Ned was lonely. Unable to make friends at the Longborough School for Boys, he often found himself playing alone, with nothing but memories of happier times to keep his company. What young Ned did not realize was that beyond the meadow under the same orange sky, someone he loved was remembering him. [Ned misses the tree and it bounces away deeper into a field. NED’S OLD HOME: There is a "For Sale" sign out front and the house appears abandoned … except for Digby lying patiently on the front porch]
Narrator: His dog, Digby. In fact, three days prior, Digby had made a decision: wearied by his own loneliness back in Coeur d’Coeurs and sensing his master’s sorrow, Digby set out on a mission. [Digby perks up, runs off the porch and down the street] Uncertain as to his exact destination, he ventured into the great unknown and guided only by the compass of his heart. [Digby trots through the town when he looks up and sees an apartment on fire. He goes to a fire box and pulls the trigger;lever down; a fire truck soon arrives and he continues his journey] Despite numerous distractions, Digby was determined to find young Ned – the boy who had given him a second chance at life. And who was his best friend. [ACADEMY FIELD: Ned looks around for his orange ball and sees Digby running toward him, holding the ball in his mouth; Ned smilesgrins and runs toward him] Upon doing so, Digby proved that love can overcome any obstacle. The reunion was bittersweet, however, as they instantly remembered the restrictions of their friendship: they could not touch or Digby would die. [both stop and stare happily at one another; Digby drops the ball in for his master. Ned picks up a stick and pets Digby with it, then throws the ball in the air] Still, it was enough. That day, Digby vowed he would never allow himself to separated from his master. [THE PIE HOLE: Digby catches an orange ball in his mouth, while his master looks off into the kitchen and smiles upon seeing Chuck]
Narrator: The Pie Maker did not wish to be separated from Chuck, who, in turn, did not wish to separated from her aunts, Lily and Vivian, who continued to be challenged by social phobias. Unbeknownst to The Pie Maker, Chuck secretly baked homeopathic mood-enhancers into pies for her aunts, hoping that a slice a day would herbally lift their spirits. [Chuck places the pie into the oven just as Ned comes in; there are welts on his face and he tries to cover them with a hand]
Ned: Oh, you’re up early.
Chuck: Oh, I couldn’t sleep.
Ned: Lumpy mattress?
Chuck: Lumpy dreams. Which are a lot more vivid now than before I died, isn’t that interesting? Just one of those little things – [notices his face] What are those?
Ned: Oh, I, uh, got bit.
Chuck: Those are bee stings! How did you get stung by so many bees, and what happened to the bees that stung you? That’s a suicide attack.
Ned: Not in this case: they sort of stung me, died, then they flew away again, and some other bees died.
Chuck: [dips her finger in a honey jar and tastes it] Do you think their honey tastes different ‘cause they died? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just one of those little things …
Ned: I wanna show you something. [ROOFTOP: Ned leads Chuck up the stairs to the buzzing of bees; there are a dozen hive-shaped apiaries]
Chuck: Bees!
Ned: Your bees.
Chuck: My bees? You mean – ?
Ned: No, not those bees: new bees. Technically, still your bees; not the bees that you knew. [ducks from a few stray bees] But I’m sure they’re equally nice!
Chuck: You do realize that beekeeping within the city limits is completely illegal?
Ned: Yes. And I’m almost sure I don’t care.
Chuck: I can not care for the both of us! We can plant wild flowers on rooftops and be unorthodox, urban honey pioneers! Thank you, thank you, thank you: if I could hug you right now, I know that I can’t, but just know that I want to.
Ned: I do.
Narrator: As Chuck considered her future as an unorthodox, urban honey pioneer … [THE PIE HOLE: Olive is struggling with the locked door] … Olive Snook considered how the man she loved seemed to be in love with someone else. Her affection for The Pie Maker had not wavered, despite the romantic threat of a dead girl who wasn’t dead. [Digby unlocks the door with his paw; Olive opens the door and smiles]
Olive: I didn’t know you could do that.
Narrator: On the contrary, Olive’s resolve had only increased since the realization that Chuck indeed was supposed to be dead. [Ned and Chuck enter through the back doordoor; Olive smiles smugly to herself]
Chuck: [waving at Olive] Good morning!
Narrator: Olive had assumed that Chuck faked her own death: she would keep the secret for now. As Chuck kept her secret from The Pie Maker.
Ned: There’s a pie in my oven. [takes it out]
Chuck: [lying] Oh, that’s mine: I was practicing.
Ned: [sniffing] Smells like cheese. Is it quiche?
Chuck: I baked monastery gouda into the crust with tart apple filling. I thought I’d try it.
Olive: [brightly] You know what’d be delicious? Pear with gruyère crust! Bet that’d be real good.
Chuck: [innocently] Yeah, it would.
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Chuck, Olive understood the deliciousness of pear and gruyère … [Chuck gives the pie box for the aunts to the Deliveryboy]
Chuck: Thank you! [Olive secretly takes the piebox]
Narrator: … Because she delivered that first mood-enhancing pie to Aunts Lily and Vivian. As she would deliver this one. [Bam! followed by a squawk!] But not before a collision occurred. [OUTSIDE THE PIE HOLE: Olive rushes outside to see that a birdpigeon has collided with a window, followed by Ned]
Olive: [holds the bird] Oh, I think she’s dead! Can you feel a heartbeat?
Ned: [cringing back]] I don’t … do heartbeats!
Olive: They feel like this – come here! [grabs Ned’s hand (to his horror) and places it on her chest imitating a heartbeat] Pump, pump … pump, pump …pump, pump. [Emerson and Chuck come out; Ned quickly takes his hand away guiltily]
Emerson: Is that a dead bird? Why you touching a dead bird? Throw that thing away! It’s swimming with disease and you serve food!
Olive: [shows the bird to Emerson] Don’t be such a drama queen! Besides, it doesn’t look diseased.
Emerson: It’s dead and it’s diseased and it’s a bird. [Emerson inadvertently shoves the bird into Ned and it comes alive again]
Olive: Ahh! It’s a miracle bird! It’s swimming in miracles, not disease!
Ned: Maybe I should hold it –
Chuck: [stopping him] No, really, do you have to? She’s obviously been through a lot and she seems really happy to be here.
Narrator: Having brought a dead thing back to life, The Pie Maker fretted over who or what would pay for that life – with its own. [Ned spots a squirrel on the sidewalk,sidewalk while Emerson checks his watch; the two women fuss over the bird; oblivious to all, Digby is watching them through the window]
Chuck: I wonder how she lost her wing?
Olive: She doesn’t seem to be in any pain.
Ned: It’s probably not in any pain, but what do I know? I’m not a bird.
Chuck: Pigeon.
Ned: Pigeon! I was pigeon-toed as a child, but orthopedic shoes solved that.
Emerson: [takes Ned aside] What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird? ‘Cause if it’s equal to or greater than mine, I need to get back to my car.
Ned: [pointing] I’m more concerned for that squirrel. [stares at his watch and tries to shoo it away]
Olive: [to the pigeon] Don’t you worry: I know just what to do with you. I recently made the acquaintance of a pair of bird lovers: I’ll consult them.
Narrator: Olive was referring to Aunts Lily and Vivian.
Chuck: Really? I used to know a pair of bird lovers!
Narrator: Chuck also referred to Aunts Lily and Vivian.
Olive: Used to? Did they die?
Chuck: Death was involved.
Olive: How unfortunate.
Narrator: They were both so busy referring and inferring, they failed to notice that 60 seconds had passed. The Pie Maker could not afford such a luxury. [a crow falls to the ground dead]
Ned: It’s raining dead birds! [overhead, a plane buzzes loudly; they all look up]
Olive: What’s going on up there? [a plane crashes into an apartment building]
Narrator: What was going on up there was this: an out of control crop duster crashed headfirst into the Broadview Luxury Apartment Complex, killing the pilot instantly. His body was catapulted out of the cockpit and into the living room of one Conrad Fitch. [CONRAD FITCH’S APARTMENT: Ned, Chuck and Emerson enter while an emergency crew takes away the pilot’s body. The handsome apartment owner, Conrad Fitch, stands in the middle of the mess, jaws agape]
Chuck: Does this qualify as ambulance chasing? I’m asking without judgment at all.
Emerson: If you’re asking without any judgment, then, yes, it does. Look for body bags.
Ned: That’s not our thing.
Emerson: [to Ned] Your thing is waking up dead people: my thing is finding dead people for you to wake up. [lights up] Ooh, found one!
Chuck: Why can’t we just be here as concerned citizens of the world?
Emerson: Because Big Daddy needs some new yarn.
Ned: Just because there’s a dead body doesn’t mean you’re going to get paid.
Emerson: Just because there’s vodka in my freezer doesn’t mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes, it does!
Chuck: It’s not wrong: plane crashes into a building it could mean a civil suit; criminal suit; negligence, pain and suffering … [Ned and Emerson stare as she recites legalese]
Narrator: Chuck fostered her love of the law by volunteering as a stay-at-home juror for a paraplegic judge. [FLASHBACK: Chuck is in her aunts’ living room, dressed in pajamas and speaking into a phone]
Chuck: We, the jury, find the defendant: guilty! [APARTMENT: as the paramedics remove the body, Chuck steps out of their way but trips on debris and begins to fall]
Narrator: Unable to catch Chuck when she fell, The Pie Maker was forced to step aside – allowing another man to catch her. [Ned flies back to avoid touching her and the handsome apartment owner catches her]
Chuck: [to Conrad] Thank you!
Conrad Fitch: Forgive the mess. The maid comes tomorrow. Guess I should cancel that.
Chuck: Do you live here?
Conrad Fitch: Until very recently.
Ned: [upset/jealous] Can you put her down, please? [Chuck notices a plate collection on the wall]
Chuck: At least your collection of nautical plates survived. [predictably, they crash to the floor]
Conrad Fitch: Those were Franklin Mint.
Chuck: Sorry.
Conrad Fitch: [blasé] No, it’s okay, I’ll be okay. I was feeling like I needed to simplify my life anyway.
Narrator: Chuck’s heart went out to the man with a plane in his living room, despite The Pie Maker wanting her heart for himself. Suddenly, ambulance chasing didn’t seem like a bad idea.
Ned: Ahem! The ambulance is leaving.
Chuck: Oh, you go ahead: I’m going to stay here, see if there’s anything I can do.
Ned: I’m sure he’s fine: statistically, his day can only improve. Dead pilot on the other hand, probably has lots of last wishes.
Emerson: Yeah, like maybe he wished he shoulda turned left.
Chuck: You don’t need me for that.
Emerson: She’s got a point.
Ned: But –
Emerson: Don’t argue with the woman: we got a dead guy to talk to. [he leaves with a reluctant Ned in tow. MONTAGE: Insurance agent’s desk with a file that reads: "Aviator’s Aviation Insurance, policy adjustments, life insurance policy $500k, beneficiary Rebecca Caden"]
Narrator: The facts were these: one Braden Caden, an agricultural aviator, was 53 years, 21 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 19 minutes old, when his crop duster collided with the Broadview Luxury Apartment Complex. It was 17 minutes after the collision, and Mr. Caden’s insurance agent had already rejected the claim on his life policy before the claim was even made. [the agent stamps "SUICIDE" on the file. CITY MORGUE HALLWAY: Emerson and Ned walk toward the Coroner’s office. Ned is still dwelling on the incident with Chuck]
Ned: Did you see the way he just swept in there?
Emerson: Yeah, so?
Ned: He sweeped: I’m not a sweeper.
Emerson: Yeah, it’s a little showy.
Ned: It’s a lot showy. And what’s a rooftop full of bees when someone can just catch her when she falls? [distraught] I can’t catch her, Emerson!
Emerson: Can’t suck on her toes, neither. [off Ned’s look] Some women like that.
Narrator: Braden Caden’s wife, Becky, believed her husband was not suicidal, and was, in fact, a happy man. [CORONER’S OFFICE: a dour and newly widowed Becky Caden is speaking to the Coroner]
Becky Caden: He was a happy man: the insurance people making assumptions about a person’s disposition.
Coroner: One should never assume. [the door opens; Emerson and Ned enter]
Emerson: [smoothly] An insurance agent can’t speak to the deceased’s state of mind. They didn’t know the deceased: you did. Pardon me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, I believe I could be helpful.
Coroner: [pointedly to Emerson] May I have a word with you? [leads Emerson outside and shuts the door] Why you bothering this poor woman? You and that white boy got something kind of shifty going on? I don’t know what, but you’re shifty.
Emerson: I’m just a concerned citizen of the world.
Coroner: You makin’ a dime, Concerned Citizen?
Emerson: Maybe one or two to rub together.
Coroner: Well, then: flies land on me, they pay rent. [Emerson's face falls at the prospect of having to shell out his precious reward money. Inside the office, Ned nervously gestures toward the morgue]
Ned: Excuse me, I’m just gonna … [inside the morgue, Ned opens a drawer containing Braden Caden: his face has many shards of glass sticking out.protruding. Ned starts his watch and touches his chest]
Ned: Hello.
Braden Caden: You the fella that jumped on my plane?
Ned: No! A fella jumped on your plane?
Braden Caden: I was hijacked.
Ned: Is that why your plane crashed?
Braden Caden: Oh, yessiree. [from his point of view, it’s as if he has the segmented vision of a fly; he stares as his hand in fascination]
Ned: Mr. Caden …
Braden Caden: I was dusting soybeans, or getting ready to, when a deadbeat in a bright orange jail jumpsuit climbed aboard.
Ned: Was that deadbeat aboard? Because you’re the only body they found.
Braden Caden: Then Deadbeat’s not dead: lucky him. [the minute up, Ned touches him just as the Coroner, Mrs. Caden and Emerson file in]
Coroner: What in the hell?
Ned: The plane was hijacked.
Coroner: How’d you come by that?
Ned: DNA. -Ish.
Narrator: Olive Snook came to Coeur d’Coeurs on a wing and a prayer. [OUTSIDE CHARLES' HOME: Olive arrives with the pigeon and Digby in tow] With a gilded cage housing the mono-winged bird in one hand and a pie box in the other, she set out to expose Charlotte Charles, also known as Chuck, as a faker of deaths. [CHARLES’ SITTING ROOM: Lily is examining the pigeon with a magnifying glass while Vivian and Olive hover]
Aunt Lily: Mmm-hmm: it’s a carrier pigeon.
Olive: Diseases or messages?
Aunt Lily: Both. [she extracts a tightly wrapped tube from a band around its leg]
Aunt Vivian: A bird with gossip, how exciting! [she reaches for the note but Lily chastises her]
Aunt Lily: Do you open other people’s mail?
Olive: Who’s the people and how hard is it to open?
Aunt Vivian: [she lets out a giggle but stops immediately] I don’t know where that came from!
Aunt Lily: What’s gotten into you?
Aunt Vivian: What’s gotten into you?
Narrator: What had gotten into the both of them was their niece’s homeopathic pie. As with any mood stabilizer, moods were a bit inconsistent at the start.
Olive: [Olive gestures at the pigeon]Olive: Do you think you can fix her?
Aunt Lily: It’ll only go out and get hurt again.
Aunt Vivian: Coyotes will have their way with her.
Olive: She was meant to fly: she needs to fulfill her destiny and deliver that message. A"A bird that stalks down his narrow cage can seldom see through his bars of rage!rage!" [Olive dramatically opens the curtains, then coughs from the dust]
Aunt Vivian: It wouldn’t hurt to try!
Olive: That’s the spirit! And once we fix Pidge, we can celebrate by taking a trip to The Pie Hole! It’s a nifty spot with lots of interesting folks. You never know who you might run into!
Narrator: With that, Olive Snook set her plan into motion.
Aunt Lily: Why would we go out for pie when you just brought us one?
Olive: I’ll think of a reason.
Narrator: While Olive considered how to get Lily and Vivian out of their rut, The Pie Maker was considering worst case scenarios. [CONRAD FITCH’S APARTMENT: Ned and Emerson duck under the yellow police sticker tape and enter] Not only for a rogue hijacker who he had been hired to find by Becky Caden, but for Chuck and the man who had been caught in a way The Pie Maker never could.
Ned: They’re not here. This is bad.
Emerson: Maybe they went for a stroll.
Ned: That would not make it better.
Emerson: Well, what’s worse? The two of them locked up in the trunk of a hijacker’s car or drinking mimosas in a hotel room?
Ned: I’m not a fan of either scenario, and what’s that smell?
Emerson: I thought it might be your cologne.
Ned: Who wears cologne?
Emerson: [defensively] I wear cologne! [Ned spots two mugs sitting on top of a trunk serving as a coffeetable]
Ned: Look: they had coffee. [takes a whiff and grimaces] Ooh, there’s something bad in there. [Ned opens the trunk to reveal a scrunched up male corpse; the men cringe in horror] Is that the hijacker?
Emerson: What kind of a fool hijacker hides himself in a damn coffeetable? [he gestures at Ned to touch the corpse; he does so and starts his watch, while the poor man unfolds himself from the trunk]
Real Conrad Fitch: Ow! Crap! Feels like I’m stuffed in a trunk!
Ned: You are stuffed in a trunk.
Real Conrad Fitch: Don’t contradict an old man: it’s disrespectful.
Ned: Did you hijack that plane?
Real Conrad Fitch: What plane? Oh, hell’s fire, that thing flew into my apartment!
Ned: This is your apartment?
Real Conrad Fitch: What’d I just say? There I was – enjoying my daily prunes in cilium powder and hoping for the best – and suddenly I see that thing flying at me!
Emerson: If this is your apartment, then who is Conrad?
Real Conrad Fitch: What is this, the idiot brigade? [points to his monogrammed shirt with the name "Conrad"] Hello!
Ned: Oh. [Ned touches the realReal Conrad and he dies; the two men wonder about the young man they met earlier … THE PIE HOLE: Chuck and the Fake Conrad enter]
Chuck: Do you like pie?
Fake Conrad Fitch: Be criminal not to like pie. [they sit at a booth eating pie] Everything I am … everything I was … everything that represented me as a human being was in there. I have to start over.
Chuck: I lost everything once: and you know what?
Fake Conrad Fitch: [playfully] Did a plane fly into your living room?
Chuck: No.
Fake Conrad Fitch: Well, was it arson?
Chuck: No, it was something else, but I felt a queer thrill of opportunity.
Fake Conrad Fitch: To get new stuff?
Chuck: To let go everything about me that I didn’t like and to hold onto everything about me that I did.
Fake Conrad Fitch: I just met you, but I can’t imagine there isn’t something about you that isn’t something to like. [he takes her hand and Chuck stares at his hand]
Narrator: Chuck’s first thought was to quickly pull her hand away; her second thought was how nice it felt to have someone hold her hand.
Fake Conrad Fitch: [notices her discomfort and pulls away] Oh, I’m sorry. Was it your boyfriend back there, who took back a step to let you fall?
Chuck: He didn’t let me fall: it was actually a very affectionate gesture. In context.
Narrator: If only it was The Pie Maker’s hand.
Chuck: Can I ask you a small favor? Would you hold my hand for a moment, but don’t say anything? I’m just gonna close my eyes.
Fake Conrad Fitch: All right. [MONTAGE: Chuck closes her eyes and reopens to see Ned. He is wearing the same clothes as the Fake Conrad]
Narrator: In that moment, Chuck was holding The Pie Maker’s hand … if only by proxy. [Fake Conrad clears his throat and Chuck opens her eyes. Suddenly, there is a bang! against the window: Ned is outside, with both hands flat against the glass, aghast] It was the proxy that concerned The Pie Maker.
Fake Conrad Fitch: I gotta pee. [he takes off quickly and Emerson rushes in]
Chuck: How did it go?
Emerson: Where did he go?
Chuck: Conrad? He was going to the bathroom. [Emerson runs off toward the bathroom]
Ned: He’s not Conrad: he’s the hijacker. [Ned turns to see the hijacker running for the back door] And he’s going to the bathroom in my kitchen!
Chuck: Boy, you miss one trip to the morgue … [THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: As the Hijacker tries to run out the back door, Ned grabs his right arm and pulls … until the arm pops out of the Hijacker’s sleeve and smacks Ned upside the head; the Hijacker takes off with Emerson hot on his heels. Ned holds up the wooden arm to Chuck]
Ned: [accusingly] Is this the hand you were holding? [THE PIE HOLE BOOTH: Ned and Chuck sit across each other with the arm between them]
Chuck: Well, he was a great big fibber, wasn’t he?
Ned: A great, big fibber whose hand you were holding. What was that about?
Chuck: I was – if you must know, I was pretending I was holding your hand.
Ned: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Chuck: Well, yeah.
Ned: Well, on one hand it does make me feel better; on the other hand, the hand you were holding, it doesn’t!
Chuck: Ned, he’s an escaped convict!
Ned: You didn’t know that when you held his hand! And P.S., not only is he an escaped convict, he’s also a hijacker who prevented thousands of crops from being aerially fertilized. And he stuffed a surly, old dead guy in a trunk.
Chuck: I’m not saying that he isn’t guilty and I’m not saying I am. I’m just saying that it’s not about him.
Ned: No, it’s about our client, Becky Caden, wife of Braden Caden, the woman your handyman widowed when he decided to crop dust somebody’s living room! [Emerson walks back in]
Chuck: Did you catch him?
Emerson: That one-armed bitch was speedy. But I checked in with my people at the prison.
Chuck: You got people? That’s so neat!
Ned: Did you find out anything good?
Emerson: Yes! And we’re gonna need shovels.
Narrator: Emerson Cod had learned three things: first, the man they knew as Conrad Fitch was actually one Lemuel Weinger, a low-level employee of a company called Ornan Energy. [MONTAGE: A bespectacled Lemuel sneaks into a supply officeroom and removes a confidential file from his jacket] Second, Ornan was an energy-based corporation known for several types of trading: plastics, steel and insider. [Lemuel puts the file through a shredder, but he is so busy looking over his shoulder, the shredder eats his right arm] The latter cost Lemuel his right hand. It also cost him his freedom. [PRISON CELL: the cell door slams shut] Third, during his incarceration, Lemuel became known as "Lefty Lem". A name given to him by his cellmate, Jackson Lucas, an infamous diamond thief whose final escapade resulted in a buried treasure that was never recovered. [Lemuel turns around to reveal an old man in his underwear. FLASHBACK: Jackson Lucas as a young man is stashing diamonds in an unknown location. Back in the present, Lemuel holds out his right hand and Jackson stabs it with a fork, then shakes it] Even after he died. [Jackson disappears] He ended up in a prison graveyard with his secret. [PRISON GRAVEYARD: Ned and Chuck are digging, while Emerson watches]
Chuck: Oh, so Lefty Lem was a white-collar criminal! That makes much more sense. [she hands Emerson a shovel and he leans on it]
Emerson: Thank you. [onto his favorite subject] I get paid once by the pilot’s widow when we prove her husband’s death wasn’t a suicide – dead bodies always lead to paydays …
Chuck: Yeah, yeah, vodka in the freezer.
Emerson: … Get paid twice by the Feds once the reward for kicking Lefty’s ass back to the clink where he belongs.
Ned: Looking forward to that.
Emerson: … And we get paid thrice by finding Jackson’s buried booty. [Chuck shovels dirt on his shoes] Hey! [Ned’s shovel finally hits the coffin] Hey … come to Papa.
Ned: You might want to avert your eyes: there’s a good chance he’s on the dewy side.
Emerson: Damn, I hate dewy.
Chuck: [to Ned] Are you mad at me?
Ned: Why would I be mad?
Chuck: For holding someone’s hand that wasn’t yours.
Emerson: Seriously: in a prison graveyard? That’s where you’re gonna have this conversation?
Ned: You should, uh, breathe through your mouths. [opens the coffin and peers inside] I’d prefer a little more eyeball.
Emerson: Just touch the damn thing!
Chuck: No, wait!
Emerson: For what?
Chuck: A little dignity. [she puts her sunglasses on the corpse]
Ned: Thanks. [Ned starts his watch and touches Jackson, who immediately pops up feeling the air]
Jackson Lucas: I can’t see! Am I blind?
Ned: Good news is you’re not blind. Bad news is you’re dead.
Chuck: Makes blind seem like a walk in the park, doesn’t it?
Emerson: Where’d you bury your loot, Jack?
Jackson Lucas: Hah! Why should I tell you?
Ned: Good karma: it’s like currency in the afterlife.
Jackson Lucas: In the windmill on the old VonRoenn Farm, bottom of the stairs. How much that worth?
Emerson: Plenty. Ask him about Lefty.
Ned: Did you tell him where you buried it?
Jackson Lucas: Of course I did. I owed him that much.
Chuck: What did you owe him for?
Jackson Lucas: [mysteriously] Keeping the fire alive. [Ned touches him and Jackson falls back dead]
Emerson: All right, we got a windmill to find.
Narrator: Chuck’s fire may not be alive as far as her Aunts Lily and Vivian were concerned, but Olive was doing her best to reignite it. [CHARLES’ SITTING ROOM: Lily has a light on her eyepatch performing surgery on the pigeon, while Vivian and Olive assist]
Aunt Lily: Brackets.
Olive: [hands it to her] Brackets.
Aunt Vivian: Ribbon.
Olive: [hands it to her] Ribbon.
Aunt Lily: Bejeweler.
Olive: [hands it to her] Bejeweler. Can I do one?
Aunt Lily: Maybe the last one.
Aunt Vivian: If you’d like, we can bejewel Pidgin’sPidge’s birdhouse when we’re done!
Olive: Pidgin’sPidge's’s house is only temporary: no sense in bejeweling an empty home, is there, Pidge?
Aunt Vivian: There’s something so sad about an empty birdhouse … when one of our birds dies, we taxidermy it immediately, put it right back on its perch!
Aunt Lily: Vivian does wonders with sand and thread.
Aunt Vivian: And little marble eyes: it’s like the little birds never left us at all!
Aunt Lily: [thinking of Chuck] Can’t put everything back on its perch.
Olive: Must’ve been all kinds of horrible for you when Charlotte left.
Aunt Lily: She didn’t leave: she died.
Aunt Vivian: And no amount of sand or thread or little marble eyes will ever bring her back.
Narrator: But Olive didn’t need any sand or thread or little marble eyes to bring Chuck back: she needed a confluence of events.
Aunt Lily: Wing.
Narrator: And she was about to get one. [Olive plucks a wing from a taxidermied parrot and hands it to Lily]
Olive: Wing. Can I do the last bejewel?
Aunt Lily: I already did it. [the pigeon stands up and flexes its new mismatched wing]
Olive: [pets it] Ohh! What do you think, Pidge?
Narrator: And while Olive, the aunts and Pidge looked forward to their next step in their journey … [PAPEN COUNTY HISTORICAL SOCIETY MUSUEM, GIFT SHOP & OFFICE: The trio enter the office to find an older woman, the Curator, slumped at in her chair behind a desk, eyes and jaws open] … Another journey had reached a dead end.
Chuck: Is she dead?
Emerson: Lefty Lem has officially taken the lead.
Chuck: Do you think Fake Conrad killed her?
Ned: Occam’s Razor: "All thing’s being equal, the simplest solution tends to be the best one."
Chuck: I used to believe that until you brought me back from the dead: that kinda screws the theory. [Ned starts his watch and touches her chin: nothing happens. Surprised, he touches her again: still nothing]
Emerson: Maybe your finger needs a new battery. Here, lemme try. [Emerson grabs Ned’s hand and slaps the Curator, who awakens with a snort]
Curator: Ow!
Ned & Emerson: [pointing at one another] He did it!
Curator: [in a British accent] I must’ve dozed off again! Can I help you?
Emerson: We’re looking for a windmill? A VonRoenn Mill variety windmill?
Curator: Oh, that’s funny: a young man was just in here asking about the VonRoenn Mill.
Chuck: He didn’t happen to have one arm, did he?
Curator: As a matter of fact, he did!
Ned: [sneezing the phrase] Occam’s!
Curator: Bless you.
Ned: Thank you.
Emerson: The windmill, what happened to it? Razed, wrecked, rebuilt, removed?
Curator: Retired! No farm, no use! Got shipped off to N.A.R.M. some twenty years ago! [with her accent, sounds like "nahm"]
Ned: Why’d they send it off to ‘Nam? Do the Vietnamese need windmills?
Chuck: N.A.R.M.! National Area of Retired Mills.
Curator: VonRoenn Mill has been preserved for a historical landmark. I have the map here! [holds up a brochure then immediately and suddenly passes out on her desk]
Emerson: [pointing] Now that’s narcoleptic. Necrophiliac’s the other one?
Ned: Yeah.
Narrator: Armed with a new plan, The Pie Maker and Associates left the narcoleptic curator to her dreams. Meanwhile, back in Coeur d’Coeurs, a tiny friend was planning her own escape. Olive’s disdain for Chuck was split in two: one for stealing The Pie Maker’s heart and the other for breaking the aunts. [CHARLES’ SITTING ROOM: Vivian is looking sadly at Pidgin’s empty cage, while Olive plotscomforts her]
Olive: You know you want to read Pidgin’sPidge’s message.
Aunt Vivian: Lily would be so displeased. There was an incident: I read something that I shouldn’t have and life went horribly awry. Lily never forgave me; she said she did, but she didn’t.
Olive: Wow. Now I’m more interested in that story.
Aunt Vivian: [trying to change the subject] Let’s put Pidge back into her house.
Olive: Pidge has left the building. I’m sorry: I’m sorry her empty birdhouse makes you sad. Maybe you could fill it with all your Charlotte-sadness and hang it in a special place in your soul.
Aunt Vivian: It’s an awfully sad birdhouse to have hanging in one’s soul.
Aunt Lily: [wobbling in with a Martini] Hang it someplace you don’t have to see it.
Olive: It won’t always be sad: it’ll be the happiest little birdhouse when you’re ready! Make a little birdhouse in your soul.
Aunt Lily: [to Olive] Don’t encourage her. [admiring Pidge] I think she looks divine. [Pidge flies out an open window] Son of a bitch!
Olive: Wait, you forgot your message! Pidge! [dashes off and out to the front gate chasing after Pidge; the aunts hesitate at the front door, unable to go further]
Narrator: As the aunts watched Olive scream for help, they considered their own birdcage and wondered if they were ready to leave it behind. [MONTAGE: Across dozens of brightly-colored windmills, the camera stops at a bright green one with red sails; at the window is a lovely red-haired young woman, Elsita, chopping vegetables with a cleaver] A few miles away, looking out across the fields and hills, a beautiful woman named Elsita waited for the man she loved to make her heart complete. Narrator: Little did she know that Lefty Lem was already on his way. [doorknock at knocks;the door; Elsita answers with cleaver in hand]
Elsita: [unfriendly in a Southern accent] What the hell do you want? [reveal Lefty Lem in stolen clothes]
Lefty Lem: I’m from the Papen County Historical Society? We’d like to photograph these premises for our 87th Annual Mills of the Wind Papen County Collector’s Calendar?
Elsita: Where’s your camera?
Lefty Lem: [lying] It’s in the car.
Elsita: You’re lying. But I’m bored. [she lets him in; he has an ax behind his back. CHARLES’ CAR: Following Pidge, Lily is driving with Digby in the front, Olive and Vivian are in the back singing "Birdhouse in Your Soul"]
I’m your only friend
I’m not your only friend
But I’m a little glowing friend
But really I’m not actually your friend
But I am
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it:
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Aunt Lily: [irritated] Never mind your singing: keep your eye on that bird. [NED’S CAR: Chuck & Emerson heading toward the windmill]
Ned: [to Chuck] Y’know what our problem is?
Chuck: If you’re referring to the touching thing, I see it more as an obstacle, not a problem.
Ned: It’s a pretty big obstacle.
Chuck: Not compared to our other problems.
Ned: We’ve got other problems?
Emerson: [under his breath] I’m gonna kill myself.
Chuck: There’s so much I’m learning about you.
Ned: Such as?
Chuck: You’re romantic.
Ned: When the mood strikes.
Chuck: And you’re jealous when the mood strikes!
Ned: Everyone’s a little jealous; if you’re not jealous, you’re probably – [exhales] Can we not talk about this?
Emerson: The answer to your query is yes.
Ned: No, actually, I want to talk about this! I could let it go, but like a cat, it will come back. Which I really wouldn’t call annoying, but there’s no great way of saying half-annoying, which it is. A little bit.
Chuck: See? Isn’t this neat? Here we were thinking all we had is one big problem, when in actual fact we have hundreds of little problems that we gotta sort out before we even get to the big problem! Which means, we’re like everybody else in the world!
Ned: Except I still can’t catch you.
Emerson: We’ll be taking two cars next time. [WINDMILL: Lem is trying to tie Elsita’s wrist to the chair with his teeth and holding the ax at the same time]
Elsita: That’s a big ax.
Lefty Lem: Oh, I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise. This is just a precautionary measure.
Elsita: Wouldn’t it be easier if you put down the ax down, then tied the rope? [he does so] It’s funny: you really are a one-armed bandit. You’re name’s not McClappen, is it? As in the sound of one hand?
Lefty Lem: No. [goes about tapping the staircase]
Elsita: ‘Cause names are destiny: if you think Dwayne Cloggin ain’t gonna grow up to be a plumber, then you just think again. [looks down at her bonds] Oh, no, you didn’t use bows to tie me up, did you? You take a hostage like you tie your sneakers!
Lefty Lem: What is your problem?
Elsita: Well, I was born into the life of windmillery … are you gonna listen or are you gonna keep knocking?
Lefty Lem: I’m listening: you were born into the life of windmillery …
Elsita: Always waiting on the wind so you can start work, only I’m no good at waiting. Tired of it.
Lefty Lem: You sure it was the wind you were awaitin’ for?
Elsita: [squints] Did you just say "awaitin’? ‘Cause if you are mimickin’ me, I will be out of these girly bows faster than a snake through weeds!
Lefty Lem: I wasn’t thinking and I apologize. It’s just, I have a lot on my mind and I’m in a bit of a rush.
Elsita: Oh, where you rushin’ to?
Lefty Lem: [slyly] Well, I don’t really know yet.
Elsita: Well, maybe you’d better figure that out. [they share a flirtatious moment] Go back to your knockin’. [Lem goes about kicking the steps and plunges the ax. CHARLES’ CAR: Olive is shoutinghanging out the window]
Olive: [shouting] C’mon, Pidge: you can do it! Hoping for a breeze to help poor Pidge, which is kind of ironic given the surroundings. Pidge, come on!
Narrator: The pigeon, growing fatigued with each flap of her taxidermy wing, knew something the others did not: her journey was almost complete. [Pidge leads them to the VonRoenn windmill when splat! Pidge flies directly on the window. Lem and Elsita turn to see Pidge at the window]
Lefty Lem: What was that?
Elsita: It’s my bird! [she easily gets out of her bindings and goes to hold Pidge]
Lefty Lem: That’s my bird!
Elsita: What’re you going on about? It’s my bird!
Lefty Lem: I’ll prove it: I wrote the note. [checks the leg] Where’s the note?Olive: [enteringOlive and the aunts barge through the front door]
Olive: Hello! Can I get my bird back, please?
Lefty Lem & Elsita: Your bird?
Olive: Yes, my bird: she’s a carrier pigeon. She has a message and she has to carry it: it’s what she does. [holds up the note]
Elsita: That’s my message. [Elsita and Lem grab the note at the same time and look at each other]
Lefty Lem: Elsa?
Elsita: I’m Elsita. Jackson?
Lefty Lem: I’m Lem.
Elsita: Elsa was my momma.
Lefty Lem: Jackson was my prison bunkmate.
Aunt Vivian: Is bunkmate a euphemism for – ?
Lefty Lem: [to Vivian] Not in this case, ma’am.
Narrator: There was a bitter chill in the air the night that Jackson Lucas found refuge in the VonRoenn Windmill. [FLASHBACK: Night outside the windmill. A young Jackson Lucas is flees inside] Already five days on the lam, he knew the police were closing in. To preserve his dreams of one day owning an art gallery in Mexico, Jackson decided to bury his stolen treasure in the staircase of the seemingly abandoned property. His heart stopped however when he saw an angelic creature descending the stairs. Her name was Elsa and this was her windmill. [as he pours diamonds into the hole in the staircase, he looks up to see a beautiful red-haired woman holding a baby carrier pigeon]
Elsa: My name is Elsa. This is my windmill.
Narrator: It was love at first sight. Knowing he had very little time left, he kissed her. It was a perfect moment …[entranced, they kiss] The next moment was not. [the police burst in and take him away]
Elsa: I’ll write you!
Narrator: Elsa kept true to her word. For the next twenty years, she and Jackson kept up their love affair by correspondence: letters sent to and fro with the help of her virtually untraceable carrier pigeon. [an old Jackson reads a letter from Elsa, then looks to Lem] Until the day Jackson knew he could no longer keep his promise. Someone else would have to do it for him. [WINDMILL: Lem is tellingrelaying the story to the women]
Lefty Lem: After Jackson died, I started to plan my escape; took me two years, and during all that time, I kept writing to Elsa. I mean, at first, I was writing out of loyalty to the man who taught me the ropes in prison, but after a while, I started to develop …
Aunt Lily: [bored] A condition?
Lefty Lem: For Elsa! At least I thought it was Elsa …
Elsita: Momma made me swear on her deathbed that I never stop writing to Jackson, said it would break his heart to learn that she died, but each letter was more beautiful than the last. And I found myself looking forward to them.
Lefty Lem: Your letters were beautiful, too.
Aunt Lily: [still bored] What’s the big whoop?
Aunt Vivian: Pidge brought them together.
Olive: How did she lose her wing?
Lefty Lem: Took her with me on the plane when I busted out of prison; she flew out the window after take-off and went right through the propeller.
Olive: Oh! Pidge crashed the plane!
Lefty Lem: What happened to the diamonds?
Lily, Vivian & Olive: Diamonds? [Elsita smiles and pulls back her skirt to reveal a false leg with a trapdoor containing the diamonds]
Aunt Lily & Vivian: Holy crap! [knock at the door; Lem grabs his ax but Olive stops him]
Olive: No, no, let’s not panic: I’m sure it’s just the mailman. Or a windmill-to-windmill salesman. Lemme handle it.
Narrator: As Olive peeped through the peephole, it occurred to her that while the carrier pigeon was safe inside the windmill, the same could not be said for the sitting duck currently waiting on the doorstep. [sees Chuck, Ned and Emerson; her eyes widen in surprise, then narrow. Her hand reaches for the knob and turns it] This was the moment Olive Snook had been waiting for: she need only to open the door to expose Chuck’s deceit to the aunts and The Pie Maker could be hers. It was everything Olive wanted. And yet … [stops and looks at the aunts; her eyes close as all her animosity washes away] she knew that the aunts would be traumatized by the discovery that the late Charlotte Charles was late no more. In that moment, Olive felt that angry fire extinguished in her heart by a light breeze. She had grown fond of Lily and Vivian and could not bring herself to hurt them. [she opens the door just enough for her to squeeze through and goes outside]
Olive: [cheerfully] Afternoon, gang!
Ned: Olive?
Emerson: What the hell are you doing here?
Olive: Pie delivery. [pointedly to Chuck] Tart apple, I believe.
Narrator: With those two words, Chuck knew her aunts were inside. [Chuck turns and sees her aunts’ car, then back at Olive in fear]
Chuck: Olive – ?
Olive: If you know what’s good for you and I think you do, you’ll give me two minutes.
Emerson: Why?
Ned: What for?
Chuck: Okay!
Olive: Goody, then! [she goes back in]
Lefty Lem: Who was it?
Olive: Wrong mill! Must happen a lot around here, huh? [starts to gather up the aunts and quickly drags them out the back door] Anyway, I feel just awful that we’ve taken up so much of your day: we should really be going! Do you mind if we just use the back door? I wanted to take a peek at your garden on the way out. Thanks! Bye! [OUTSIDE WINDMILL: The trio is still waiting]
Chuck: [apprehensively] Ned, do remember before when I said all the things I learned about you?
Ned: Jealous. Romantic. Jealous. I felt I had to say it twice.
Chuck: Right, well, I think it’s time for you to write down all the things you learned about me.
Ned: Why?
Chuck: Well, that way, if stuff happens … just remember the list.
Emerson: [pulls out his gun] Time’s up. [CHARLES’ CAR: Olive and the aunts are driving away]
Olive: Well, now wasn’t that a nice outing?
Aunt Lily: I could use a drink.
Aunt Vivian: Young people depress Lily because she’s afraid of dying.
Narrator: As Lily wondered if she was afraid of dying or simply missed feeling alive, she allowed herself one deep breath of fresh country air.
Aunt Lily: [takes a breathbreath]] I don’t think we’ve been out since – [glances in the rear view mirror and sees Chuck going in the windmill] Charlotte?! [a red sail obscures her view for a moment and Chuck disappears; she blinks hard]
Aunt Vivian: [to Lily] No need to yell her name. [then to Olive] I think Heaven’s closer than we think.
Olive: I agree. [WINDMILL: Emerson bursts in with his gun drawn]
Emerson: Hand up! [later, the police haul Lem away in handcuffs, although since he only has one hand, the futility is apparent. Emerson counts his reward money with glee]
Elsita: [walks after the police] Lemuel, I’ll write you! [Ned and Chuck turn to each other and smile]
Narrator: The Pie Maker and the girl he called Chuck marveled at the power to conquer all obstacles – distance and time … [CHARLES’ SITTING ROOM: The aunts are eating pie and looking at a portrait of Chuck and themselves] … hardship and pain … [THE PIE HOLE: Olive looks dreamily at Ned] … the lack of reciprocation … [Ned is staring dreamily at Chuck, who is sitting with Mrs. Caden] … even death.
Chuck: Your husband was a great pilot, he didn’t kill himself: a pigeon did by accident. [Chuck gives Mrs. Caden a pie. PRISON CELL: Lem is writing while Pidge patiently waits]
Narrator: With Pidge’s help, the long distance love affair of Lefty and Elsita continued to soar. And The Pie Maker realized that while some obstacles may never disappear … [ROOFTOP: Chuck is in a beekeeper outfit,outfit admiring her bees when a gloved hand taps her shoulder: it’s Ned in his own beekeeper outfit]
Ned: Care to dance?
Chuck: Yes, please.
Narrator: You can always find a way to work around them. [he puts on a phonograph;phonograph and it plays a waltz; they dance and when he swoops herher: … ]
Chuck: You caught me.
FIN.
