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Transcript: Episode 5
1x05: "Girth"
[ACADEMY HALLWAY: Young Ned stands at the end of a long line that leads to the mail room; all the boys receive letters and packages]
Narrator: The season was autumn, his first year away
Young Ned is at boarding school, the times are not gay
Tucked away in her lair, dark, dank and cool
Stood the Postmistress of the Longborough School.
Every week, young Ned would hope for a letter
Some contact from home to make it all better
But from his father, there was never a word
His grieving young mother they said, Ned had concurred. [Ned pokes out his head; the Postmistress shakes her head no and he sadly turns away]
Then one day before All Hallows’ Eve [on Halloween, young Ned pokes out his head; this time the Postmistress nods, and with a smile, Ned goes up to her]
She gave him the nod, it was hard to believe
He was stunned to be summoned
Guessed what he’d been given:
Candy corn treats or masks of dead risen? [she hands him a postcard and he reads it:]
But the thing was more frightening than a demon
Winged or hoofed
A pre-printed card from his father: "We’ve Moved!!" [NED’S FATHER’S HOUSE: Halloween Night. Ned and Digby are dressed in matching bedsheets; he holds up the postcard to check the address]
Narrator: Ned ran away; no one from school saw him go
He needed to see what the postcard would show
His father’s new address was the place that he saw
A home to come home to and in his throat, his heart caught.
But what came out of the door scared him for life
His father with two brand-new sons and a brand-new wife [Ned’s father comes out with a woman and two small children, dressed to go trick-or-treating]
A hug was what he wanted: a wink and the joke’s on you
But what he got instead was a Honeycomb Chew. [his father hands him a candy bar]
Ned’s Father: Happy Halloween. [Ned watches them walk away]
Narrator: Now, 20 years later, nearly to the hour [HORSE STABLE: a farrier, Lucas Shoemaker, is hammering away at an anvil, occasionally drinking from a bottle of liquor]
Someone else was feeling melancholy and so very dour
This is where the ghost rise up, allowed to walk the ground
And if you’re haunted by your past, you’d best not stick around. [Shoemaker hears a loud and deep neigh that makes him turn]
Lucas Shoemaker: Hello? [suddenly a rider in a black outfit on a black horse comes galloping full speed toward him; the horse’s nostrils shoot flames as Shoemaker falls and screams before the hooves land on him. THE PIE HOLE: Olive is walking through the dining room, looking at the abundant Halloween-theme decorations that Chuck is putting up]
Olive: Ned hates Halloween, y’know. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of P.M.S.
Chuck: Ned doesn’t hate Halloween!
Olive: I think tomorrow’s his least favorite day; in fact, when he sees all this, you’re gonna be one sorry, little zombie! Seriously, you’re so … dead. [giggles at her own snarkiness]
Chuck: [resigned] So, I guess you delivered some pies to my aunts.
Olive: [thoroughly enjoying herself] Yeah, they’re sweet. Probably would be a lot sweeter if they didn’t think you were … murdered.
Chuck: Did you tell them I was alive?
Olive: Kinda think that would make their little heads explode. What was that rhyme? "I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘cause you faked your death!"
Chuck: You think I faked my death?
Olive: That’s what I’m just saying. Unless you have a better explanation.
Chuck: The fact that the truth was too unimaginable even to be considered, relieved Chuck. But there were other problems … [Ned enters through the front door and nods at the ladies]
Ned: Olive, Chuck. [stops short and freezes in horror upon seeing the Halloween decorations]
Narrator: If one thing scared The Pie Maker, it was that the secret of Charlotte Charles would get out.
Ned: Spooky. We usually don’t decorate for Halloween. This much. Or at all.
Olive: Yeah, I’ll have ‘em down in a jiffy. Chuck just had her head up her –
Ned: No, it’s okay, leave ‘em up: probably good for business, I mean … [not meaning it] Thanks, Chuck! [Ned leaves for the kitchen; Chuck looks after him in confusion]
Chuck: Ned used to love Halloween!
Olive: Yeah, I guess I know Ned better than you do, and now, I know you better than Ned does!
Chuck: So does Ned know what you think you know?
Olive: Not yet.
Chuck: Who does?
Olive: Who knows? [OLIVE’S APARTMENT: Olive is gleefully jumping in the air on top of her bed, cheering as if to an invisible football game; Digby watches her jump up and down]
Narrator: Olive Snook loved to win. She celebrated the fact that the unflappable brunette who had swept in from nowhere to steal The Pie Maker’s heart might be flappable after all. But as often happens when one celebrates, the Universe is quick to even the score. [the TV announces:]
Newscaster: A sad ending for local blacksmith, Lucas Shoemaker –
Olive: Jiminy-Christmas! [her expression and herself falls as she rolls off the bed]
Newscaster: – who was tramped to death late yesterday while working at Manchester Downs. Police have agreed that the death was unusual, considering the victim’s experience with horses, but they say they do not suspect any foul play at this time. In other news, kittens on parade – [Olive turns off the TV and sinks under her bed. THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Ned and Chuck are preparing pies]
Ned: I know the decorations were a lot work.
Chuck: This has always been my favorite holiday. Remember when we used to go trick-or-treating? Gorge ourselves on candy? You used to love that. Why don’t you like Halloween anymore?
Ned: [changing the subject] Remember razor blades in apples? Never actually happened – not once, just vicious rumor.
Chuck: Are you changing the subject?
Ned: No. [eye twitches] Have you seen Olive?
Chuck: [blanches] Olive?
Ned: [looks off in the dining room] Yeah, I wonder where she went?
Narrator: Chuck imagined where Olive might be … [MONTAGE: Olive is sipping tea with the aunts]
Olive: Ladies, I love your tea and your house is so cute, oh, by the way, Chuck’s alive! [MONTAGE: the aunts’ heads explode, leaving only confetti]
Ned: What’s wrong?
Chuck: Nothing!
Ned: I said "Olive" and your whole face just went Whoosh!
Chuck: Why don’t you like Halloween anymore?
Ned: Things change: I grew up.
Chuck: You grew up?
Ned: Are you changing the subject? Why the Whoosh?
Chuck: That’s how I look now when I feel nothing: my face relaxes into something that looks nervous.
Ned: Didn’t used to.
Chuck: Things change. I grew up. [slightly hurt, Ned goes out the door into the dining room]
Narrator: As The Pie Maker walked out one door, Olive opened another. [BANK VAULT: Olive opens a safety deposit box; she removes a large trophy and bag of cash] As she looked in, a secret flooded in as sharp and horrible as the day she had sealed it in. [THE PIE HOLE: Emerson finishes a plate of pie and signals for his bill]
Emerson: Check, please. [Olive places several wads of money on the table and he immediately sweeps it into his lap without missing a beat] Or cash. Cash is good.
Olive: [serious and secretive]I want to hire you. Technically, I already have since you were so grabby with the cash.
Emerson: Think of it in escrow – between my thighs. What’s the case?
Olive: [sits down] Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude who sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier: a farrier. "E-air."
Emerson: "Fair-e-air?"
Olive: Blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don’t try to act like that’s a word everybody knows.
Olive: Police are saying his death was an – [looks around] – accident.
Emerson: You got reason to think otherwise?
Olive: I might.
Emerson: This farrier – he a friend of yours?
Olive: We used to work together.
Emerson: He ever put shoes on you?
Olive: Wasn’t like that. We were competitors.
Emerson: What’d you compete about?
Olive: Promise you won’t laugh?
Emerson: No.
Olive: I used to be a professional horse jockey. [Emerson’s expression stays flat for exactly one second before bubbling into laughter]
Narrator: The facts were these: for 8 years, 11 weeks and 4 days, Olive Snook had been a jockey. [FLASHBACK: Olive is dressed as a horse jockey in the backdrop of a racing venue. HORSETRACK: Olive is on her horse, competing against other riders] At the peak of her career, she was considered the best and brightest of her sport. Lucas Shoemaker had also been a frequent visitor to the Winner’s Circle; then upon reaching the age of 45 years, 3 weeks, 4 days and 4 hours old, he retired for a second time – permanently. [MORGUE: The trio are here. Ned removes a sheet to reveal Lucas Shoemaker; Emerson flinches when he sees a large hoof imprint on the man’s entire right side of the face]
Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It’s a little too close for comfort.
Emerson: Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money. [pretends to pull a phone from his jacket and speaks into it] "Hey, Money, it’s me, Emerson! I’m good, thanks for asking. Say, can I pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you was Olive’s money first? Uh-huh … yeah … okay, baby, thanks!" Heh-heh … [flatly] The money don’t care: touch him. [Ned starts his watch and touches Shoemaker]
Ned: Hi.
Lucas Shoemaker: Hi. [gags then spits out a tooth onto his chest]
Ned: This may seem like asking the obvious, but were you trampled by a horse?
Lucas Shoemaker: [duh!] Yeh. Iffa Bohn Baybid.
Ned: They put a bomb in your daybed?
Lucas Shoemaker: No, Bohn Boffa Baybid kim me.
Chuck: John Joseph Jacobs killed you?
Lucas Shoemaker: Yeah.
Ned: How can you understand him?
Chuck: I was in full orthodontic headgear for three years.
Ned: When?
Chuck: Puberty.
Ned: You always had such nice teeth.
Chuck: My aunts told me it was a form of birth control.
Lucas Shoemaker: Oh, death rocks.
Chuck: Yeah, it did suck.
Emerson: Can we get on with this, please?
Ned: So you’re sure that John Joseph Jacobs killed you?
Lucas Shoemaker: Yeh.
Ned: I assure you, Mr. Shoemaker, justice will be served.
Lucas Shoemaker: Yeh, ethept –
Emerson: [rolls his eyes] There it is! Except what?
Lucas Shoemaker: He’s deb.
Chuck: Who’s dead?
Lucas Shoemaker: Bohn Boffa Baybid ded tebin yeth ago, Uh thaw id.
Chuck: John Joseph Jacobs died seven years ago, he saw it.
Lucas Shoemaker: Hid goap kill me.
Emerson: His goat killed you?!
Lucas Shoemaker: Goap! [mimics a ghost] Goap! Whoo-ooo! An heth gon kill agin. [Ned touches Shoemaker and he dies]
Ned: That sounded like –
Chuck: A ghost. A ghost killed him.
Ned: And he’s going to kill again. [THE PIE HOLE: Ned and Chuck sit at a booth together using a booster seat between them for safety, while Emerson and Digby sit across. Ned is petting Digby with Lefty Lem’s hand]
Chuck: Most people hear "ghost" and think of a disembodied sea captain or something, but there’s an entire spectrum of ghosts.
Emerson: I’m fine with dead sea captain.
Ned: You don’t really believe a ghost killed Lucas Shoemaker, do you?
Emerson: [pointedly at Chuck] I bet she does.
Chuck: How do you know there’s not a ghost out there telling his ghost friend, "You don’t really think there’s a guy who touches dead people and brings them back to life," do you?
Ned: That’s not fair: just because there’s magic in one place doesn’t mean there’s magic in every place. I don’t believe in ghosts or witches or haunted houses or spirits – maybe that sounds a little crazy coming from a guy who can shoot sparks out of his finger, but … but that’s what I believe.
Chuck: You used to believe in ghosts. He used to think my aunts’ house was haunted. We had a séance there one night … [whispers] … he peed his pants.
Ned: I did not. [defensively to Emerson] I knocked the hors d’oeuvre plate into my lap and the brie was runny.
Emerson: I’d stick with the piss-in-my-pants story. Oh, there’s Olive. [leaves the booth and goes to the ice cream counter and speaks to Olive] You were right: Lucas Shoemaker was murdered.
Olive: I knew it.
Emerson: Word is there could be more. Know anyone else might be in danger?
Olive: Might be jockeys.
Emerson: You got names?
Olive: Got places: bar I know, bunch of ‘em hang out.
Emerson: Name John Joseph Jacobs mean anything to you?
Olive: [suddenly flustered] Wha-wha-why?
Emerson: Someone said they saw his ghost. [Olive wobbles before fainting clean out behind the counter; Emerson goes back to the booth]
Narrator: It was plain that the name John Joseph Jacobs meant everything to Olive Snook.
Emerson: That name means everything to her. I’m going to check out who else knows about this supposed ghost. Olive says there’s a bar.
Ned: I’ll check out the stables, see if the perp left behind any clues.
Chuck: You mean like protoplasm or melted crucifixes?
Ned: Or, y’know, real clues.
Emerson: [to Ned] You say ‘perp’?
Chuck: He did. Isn’t he cute? [to Ned] I’ll come with you if you like.
Ned: Actually, I’d rather go alone; besides, I think Emerson needs you.
Emerson: What? [loud thump as Ned kicks him under the table] Ow! Don’t kick me!
Chuck: Did you just kick him under the table?
Ned: No! Yes! There’s just something else I gotta do.
Chuck: Case-related?
Ned: Yes. [eye twitches] No. In fact, I probably won’t even make it to the stables.
Chuck: Fine, I’ll go to the stables; you go to the bar. You go and do whatever private-secret-alone thing you need to go do by yourself. Alone. [she leaves]
Ned: She’s upset. This really is something I have to do alone.
Emerson: Telling me helps.
Ned: Where’s Olive?
Emerson: [remembers, then gets up] Oh, shoot.
Narrator: The reason sixty-percent of Olive Snook’s blood had left her head was this: for 3 years, 4 months and 26 days, John Joseph Jacobs had been the golden boy of horse racing. [MONTAGE: John Joseph wins race after race and receives rewards from numerous, esteemed racetracks] Win after win on the world circuit earned him grander trophies and greater purses, until he was a sure bet to become the greatest jockey of all time. His chance to prove this came during the race of the century, pitting the top jockeys of the day against each other. But as he was about to win The Jock-Off 2000, John Joseph Jacobs suddenly found himself … unseated. [during the final race, John Joseph is leading when his saddle comes loose and he slips off onto the racetrack] His patented early lead – ideal for winning and not for falling – led to his being unwittingly trampled by the four others in the race, including the Jock-Off 2000’s eventual winner: Olive Snook. [MCCOY’S SADDLE SORES SALOON: at the bar, Olive finishes telling the story to Emerson]
Olive: I quit racing the next day. Put the trophy and my winnings in a safe deposit box. I thought if I locked it all away, I could forget.
Emerson: You think whoever killed Shoemaker was looking to get revenge for John Joseph Jacob’s death?
Olive: I know it sounds … crazy.
Emerson: It ain’t crazy. A guy’s supposed to win a race, then he doesn’t, a lot of angry gamblers looking for someone to blame. But why now? Seven years a long time to nurse a grudge.
Olive: What if it is John Joseph’s ghost?
Emerson: Oh, see, now that’s crazy.
Olive: What if he’s going after everybody who finished the race when he died? Gordon was fourth, Shoe showed third, Pinky placed second … I never shoulda won. [finishes her drink]
Emerson: You need another drink. Barkeep! [a diminutive Irishman with a strong brogue behind the bar waves him away]
Pinky McCoy: Hey, listen, King Kong! I already told ya, you can finish your beer and go: we don’t want your kind in here.
Emerson: [lifts Pinky by the shirt] Hey!
Pinky McCoy: [pulls a shotgun from under the bar] Take a breath, big fella! I’m merely referring to the sign behind the bar. [sign reads: "McCoy’s Saddle Sores Saloon. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone over 60 inches. Too tall? Too bad. Take a hike!"]
Olive: Dammit, Pinky McCoy, we’re trying to save your life! Will you just calm down? P.I.’s here about Shoey; just wants to ask you some questions.
Emerson: Oh. [lets him go] Why they call you Pinky?
Pinky McCoy: [raises his shotgun again] If you’re looking to make a joke at my expense –
Emerson: It’s just a question.
Olive: Knock it off, the both of you. And you put that gun away! [the drunk at the end of the bar, Gordon, pipes up]
Gordon: [slurring] Listen to the little lady! A purty little gun like that ain’t gonna do you no good, ‘cause if the ghost of John Joseph Jacobs comes-a-callin’ fer ya …
Pinky McCoy: Shut yer trap, Gordon!
Emerson: [to Gordon] You seen this ghost, friend?
Gordon: Oh, I seen ‘im, all right. He rises from his grave, walks the stables by night …
Pinky McCoy: Oh, brother …
Gordon: Lookin’ fer revenge from the riders who mangled him.
Olive: Oh, no: then it’s true!
Gordon: The ghost of John Joseph murdered that jockey, and he’ll get the rest of us, too! One by bloody one!
Pinky McCoy: That’s it, I’m cuttin’ ya off! The only thing that ghost’ll be murdering of mine is business.
Gordon: You don’t believe me, you go look at his tomb for yourself! The lid’s broken on accounta him climbin’ out all the time. [MAUSOLEUM: The sarcophagus is cobwebbed and littered with oyster crackers]
Olive: Who eats in a tomb? There’s crackers everywhere.
Emerson: Whoever it was couldn’t have been in here very long ago.
Olive: [examines the sarcophagus] Gordon’s right: the lid’s been broken, just like he said. Maybe John Joseph is coming back from the dead.
Emerson: Or someone wants to give that impression; maybe Gordon knows more than he’s lettin’ on. We gotta look inside.
Olive: Maybe John Joseph faked his death: people do that all the time.
Emerson: No, they don’t.
Olive: [referring to Chuck] Yeah, they do. Sometimes, they just don’t even try to cover it up. [Emerson lifts the shovel, then stops when Olive keeps talking] They just show up and ruin your life like no one’s ever gonna figure it out. [Emerson moves then stops again] But then you do figure it out, ‘cause you’re not an idiot. Are you an idiot?
Emerson: No, ‘cause an idiot might misunderstand what you’re saying and hit you with a shovel.
Olive: I think you know.
Emerson: I think you’re wrong. Can we do this? [he sticks the shovel in the lid; as he pauses to rub his hands, Olive hops on the shovel handle, her body dangling in the air; Emerson stares at her futility]
Olive: [straining] Oh, you wanna do it. Go ahead, yeah, it’s all yours. [Emerson shoves against the lid] One, two …
Emerson: [straining] Will you shut up?
Olive: Three! [the lid comes off and they peer in to see only the skull of a horse] Sweet Secretariat.
Emerson: Oh, that don’t look like John Joseph.
Olive: A horse with no name.
Emerson: Or legs. [HORSE STABLE: Chuck and Digby are nervously walking around the dark stable]
Chuck: Hello? Is anybody here? [a horse neighs] Neigh yourself! Come on, Digby: let’s go look for evidence. Y’know, if you think of it, we’ve already been murdered once: how many people or dogs can say that, huh? Y’know what we are: we’re the walking dead on Halloween. If anyone should be scared, should be them. [sees a packet of oyster crackers and picks it up] Oh, look, someone dropped some oyster – [screams when she sees Emerson holding a pitchfork] Emerson! [throws the crackers at him] What are you doing here?
Emerson: There’s a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs’ tomb and Olive knows you’re dead.
Chuck: First, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks I faked my death, which is completely different to knowing I’m dead.
Emerson: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.
Chuck: I was sending pies to my aunts: I didn’t know that Olive was going to deliver them. This is exactly what Ned was afraid of: now she can ruin everything. I hope he’s okay wherever he is.
Narrator: At that moment, The Pie Maker found himself across town and across time. Dad’s heart had done what it needed the most: It moved on and never looked back. ‘Til Ned was nothing but a ghost. [FLASHBACK: Young Ned and Digby enter his old bedroom; it is bare but still recognizable from the wallpaper] So the ghost ran away, one thought in his head: To go back to his old house and lie down in his bed. But you can’t go back in time, any ghost can see, So he lay down where his bed used to be. [Ned and Digby lay down on the carpet. MONTAGE: Ned’s house morphs and ages from a new home to an abandoned one] Twenty years went by, paint chipped, grass grew, Young Ned never forgot, and young Ned grew too. So he came back to haunt the house where good times were had, ‘Til the times had marched on, and with them, Dad. [inside his old bedroom laying on the carpet, Ned hears shouting coming from outside; looks out the window and sees Lily with a shotgun as children are fleeing]
Aunt Lily: Hey, kid, throw another egg and you have my word it’ll be the last egg you ever throw! That’s right: run, ya little bastards! [MOMMA JACOBS’ HOUSE: it is painted in various shades of putrid pink and decorated with lawn jockeys. Emerson and Chuck pull up in front of the house]
Emerson: Whoever killed Shoemaker obviously wants to give the impression that he’s John Joseph’s ghost. Stealing the body must be part of the plan.
Chuck: Got it.
Emerson: Oh, the mother may not know anything about her son’s body being missing, so tread lightly.
Chuck: Anything else?
Emerson: Yeah. [Olive emerges]
Olive: Sorry, I’m late. Hansel and Gretel would’ve lived a lot longer if they had to find this dump. [smugly to Chuck] Hi.
Chuck: Hi.
Emerson: Olive’s coming: she knows the woman.
Chuck: [not so great] Great. [at the porch to Olive] Hansel and Gretel lived, by the way, once they tricked the witch into the oven, they stole her jewels, went home with their father, only to discover that their stepmother, who had sent them into the woods had died of evilness.
Emerson: You can’t die of evilness!
Chuck: Happens all the time: if you do something mean or hurtful to someone, like, tell a secret. [makes a pistol with her hand] Bang!, you’re dead.
Olive: Or – [makes a pistol with her hand] Bang!, you’re not really dead: you’re just pretending to be dead while other people think you’re dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang!, you talk too much and you both go wait in the car. [the door opens to reveal a diminutive middle-aged woman]
Momma Jacobs: Oh, hello! Olive, I never thought I’d see you again! [glances at her low-cut blouse] Well, you’re a modest dresser, as always. [JACOBS’ SITTING ROOM: it is the same putrid pink as the outside; there are plastic-wrapped trophies throughout]
Momma Jacobs: Oh, I do hope you’ll forgive all the mess, but the hall of fame is remodeling their exhibit on Johnny, and they asked me to go over all of his trophies.
Olive: Congratulations, Mrs. Jacobs.
Momma Jacobs: Thank you. It’s probably just as well that you trampled him when you did, Olive, or else I would’ve had to buy another house just to put all the trophies in. I know that must sound a little –
Chuck: [under her breath] Bitchy. [Emerson elbows Chuck; Momma Jacobs isn’t fazed]
Momma Jacobs: [to Chuck] What did you say your name was? Brandon? Butch?
Chuck: Chuck.
Momma Jacobs: Chuck! I knew it was something unladylike.
Emerson: Eh-heh-heh. [Chuck elbows him back]
Momma Jacobs: My point was I have made peace with Johnny’s death. It wasn’t easy at first, but knowing that it was an accident, and that you stayed single, and that all the rest of them are drunks, it made it a little easier.
Olive: How do you know I’m still single?
Momma Jacobs: Well, you wouldn’t need all that bait if your belly were full of fish, dear. [Emerson and Chuck look away as Olive closes her blouse; Emerson gestures at the mantel]
Emerson: That’s a big trophy.
Momma Jacobs: Yes, that one belongs to me: that is Johnny’s final resting place. His ashes.
Emerson: His ashes?
Olive: Then what did you bury at his funeral?
Momma Jacobs: All the Gold. [Emerson moves to leave, obviously thinking there's gold in the mausoleum]
Olive: His horse. [Emerson sits back down]
Momma Jacobs: Y’see, Johnny always wanted to give the horse that made his career a hero’s burial, but the health department wasn’t too keen on that. [whispers conspiratorially] So I did it in secret.
Olive: I want you to know, Mrs. Jacobs, that I never spent the winnings from that race, until now, to hire Mr. Cod to help solve this awful murder.
Momma Jacobs: Oh, I do forgive you, Olive Snook. The fall was an accident. I can’t blame you for not slowing down: Johnny never did. [unbeknownst to them, a basement vent flap closes shut. OUTSIDE: The trio heads back to the car]
Emerson: Well, I guess that explains the horse skeleton.
Olive: But not the murder.
Chuck: Or the ghost.
Olive: I think John Joseph’s come back, and he’s coming after every one of us who was in that race, and I think she knows it.
Chuck: But you didn’t do anything. And she forgave you.
Narrator: As the little voice in Olive’s head told her that something bad was about to happen …
Olive: We need to check on Pinky. [MCCOY’S SADDLE SORES SALOON: Alone, Pinky is sweeping the floor when he hears stomping]
Pinkie McCoy: We’re closed!
Narrator: The not-so-little voice in Pinky McCoy’s head agreed. [Pinky turns to see the black rider on the black horse as it rushes toward him, and he screams]
Narrator: Unaware that his friends were closing in on the trail of what appeared to be a murderous ghost, The Pie Maker continued to haunts his own past. [CHARLES’ SITTING ROOM: Lily & Vivian serves pie to Ned]
Aunt Vivian: Halloween’s a busy time for us.
Aunt Lily: Some of the neighborhood children started a rumor we were witches. Said we were turned little boys into birds.
Ned: That’s … terrible. [a caged parrot next to Ned flaps its wings]
Parrot: Bwock! Help me, help me! They turned me into a bird! [Ned instinctively gulps]
Aunt Vivian: [with a strange gleam in her eyes] Scares the willies out of them.
Ned: Lily, Vivian: do you remember very much about my father?
Aunt Vivian: Uh, no. As a neighbor so hard to remember so long ago … [stalling] He was a handsome man, and he liked to edge his lawn on Saturdays.
Aunt Lily: [bluntly] Your father was a jackass. Everybody said how terrible it was when he moved away like that. You ask me, he did us all a favor. You included. [Ned takes a bite of pie and almost chokes; he spits out a moldy strawberry into his napkin]
Narrator: The Pie Maker stared at the ripe strawberry that had turned rotten at the touch of his tongue. It could only mean one thing: he had touched it before. [MONTAGE: Ned in his kitchen touching a moldy strawberry which promptly turns ripe again]
Ned: Where’d you get this pie?
Aunt Lily: We thought you were having them delivered. Comes every week.
Aunt Vivian: I don’t know how we survived without it: it’s like a sex addiction! [beat] I would imagine.
Narrator: The Pie Maker realized that Lily and Vivian had their own ghost. [Ned looks up at the portrait of Chuck and the aunts above the fireplace and realizes]
Aunt Lily: Oh, if this is that Armenian baker pulling some kind of switcheroo …
Ned: No, no, it’s me. I’m been sending them. I just figured you could use a little sweetness in these hard times. I, uh, I really gotta go. [gets up and leaves; Vivian stops him at the front door]
Aunt Vivian: Ned, wait! Ned, your father –
Ned: I know. He was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best of good-byes.
Aunt Vivian: Jackass is as good a word as any.
Ned: Then why do I still miss him?
Aunt Vivian: We see what we want to see. Sometimes I put pillows under the covers of Charlotte’s bed and pretend she’s sleeping.
Ned: I miss her, too.
Aunt Vivian: Nobody misses your father, Ned. [kindly] What they do talk about is how you turned out to be such a nice, wonderful boy – man, even. [she kisses him on the cheek; he smiles shyly]
Ned: I’ll keep the pies coming.
Narrator: As The Pie Maker started off, he realized that for the first time in his life, he missed something more than his past: he missed his present. [MCCOY’S SADDLE SORES SALOON: Ned enters to find Chuck and Emerson standing off while Olive is crying over Pinky’s body with the tell-tale hoof marks]
Chuck: [to Ned] Where’ve you been?
Ned: Not important.
Chuck: It’s important to me: I missed you.
Emerson: [in falsetto] I missed you, too! [flatly] Can we get on with this, please?
Chuck: Olive? C’mon, let’s go outside: we’ll let Emerson and Ned look for evidence. [Chuck leads Olive outside; Ned starts his watch and touches Pinky, who thankfully was not stomped on his mouth, just his upper head]
Pinky McCoy: Oh, crap! I need a drink! [Emerson picks up a bottle of liquor with a spigot from the wreckage and pours some into his mouth]
Emerson: All right, who did this?
Pinky McCoy: Wouldn’t have believed it, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes: same silks, same goggles, same as the day he died!
Emerson: The ghost did it.
Pinky McCoy: Finally got his revenge – nothing I don’t deserve as I was the one who gave him the snip!
Ned: What snip?
Pinky McCoy: Let’s just say I played the ponies better than I rode them.
Emerson: You bet on your own races!
Pinky McCoy: Only the ones I fixed. You see Olive, you tell her I’m sorry: she don’t deserve what’s comin’ to her!
Ned: What has she got coming to her?
Pinky McCoy: It’s pretty clear John Joseph come back because he knows how we all kept the secret!
Ned: What secret?
Pinky McCoy: Make yourself comfortable: it’s quite a story! [Ned touches him and Pinky falls back dead]
Ned: Son of a bitch.
Emerson & Ned: Olive!
Narrator: As Olive was confronted with the lie that Pinky had briefly revived to point the finger, she broke down. The facts were these: in the pandemonium that followed the tragedy-marred Jock-Off 2000, the four surviving jockeys, Pinky, Lucas, Gordon and Olive, gathered in secret. [FLASHBACK: the four jockeys are in an arena looking at a black saddle with a gold-plated tag with the initials "JJJ"] One of them had deliberately cut the fallen jockey’s girth: John Joseph Jacobs had been sabotaged. Accusations flew, but to protect their own honor and that of their storied profession, the heinous crime would never be revealed to anyone. Olive tried to protest:
Olive: [timidly] No …
Narrator: … but she was overwhelmed. The oath to keep the terrible secret was taken. And the evidence destroyed. [the four jockeys set fire to the saddle. OLIVE’S APARTMENT: Ned, Chuck and Emerson move about to secure the room]
Emerson: You’re in a lot of danger.
Olive: Sorry I didn’t tell you about the girth.
Ned: Why did you spend all those years lying to each other?
Olive: We took an oath: I was scared for what would happen if I broke it!
Chuck: Sometimes you have to keep a secret, even if it means hurting someone.
Olive: Exactly! [off her look] Dammit …
Emerson: Bottom line is: someone wants to get payback either ‘cause they found out about the secret or they knew about it all along and want it to go away forever.
Chuck: That only leaves Gordon and you.
Olive: I didn’t do it, and it certainly wasn’t Gordon.
Ned: We gotta find Gordon before somebody else does.
Chuck: But if it is a ghost …
Emerson: [ghosts again!] I’m gettin’ in the car.
Chuck: [to Olive] All I’m saying is if this is some spirit trying to correct a terrible wrong, then you need to confront it and tell it to move on. If I were a ghost, it’d be hard for me to move on, too. [Chuck and Ned share a look]
Ned: [smiling] I’m sure it would be. [to Olive] Keep the curtain closed and windows locked for the rest of the night.
Chuck: Hey. Be careful.
Ned: I will. You too. [to Olive] Lock the door behind me: don’t let anybody in.
Olive: I love In-Charge-Ned. You really don’t have to stay: I can totally take care of myself.
Chuck: You’re not scared?
Olive: No … [drops her bravura] Why are you?
Chuck: No. I’ll make some tea.
Olive: [brightly] And I’ll get the booze to take the edge off.
Chuck: Bourbon with a splash of Chamomile?
Olive: Aunt Lily’s favorite!
Chuck: Olive, thank you for respecting my secret: I’d never do this to my aunts if I didn’t have to.
Olive: I won’t tell Ned: I’ll leave that up to you. I keep the booze by my bed. [Olive goes to her bedroom and digs a bottle from under her mattress; she glances out her window at a gold horseshoe hanging outside, and draws back in recognition]
Olive: John Joseph … if you’re scared of a ghost, confront it! [Olive climbs out the window; Chuck is still in the kitchen, admiring her coffeeware]
Chuck: Hey, Olive, I love your horsy mugs! [a breeze blows paper off the counter; Chuck becomes alarmed] Olive? [ROOFTOP: Olive climbs up the fire ladder and sees a mysterious tall figure]
Olive: Aaaahh! It is you … John Joseph Jacobs …[squints, then questioningly] It’s really you? [a mug zips by and whangs John Joseph upside the head; Chuck climbs up the ladder behind Olive] Nice shot!
Chuck: Are you okay?
Olive: [holds up the horseshoe] I found this outside the window: I gave this to John Joseph Jacobs right before the Jock-Off 2000 for good luck!
John Joseph Jacobs: [groggily] Olive?
Olive: John Joseph, I thought you were dead. You should be ashamed of yourself! [he stands to his full height; the girls looks waaay up at him] And about two feet shorter.
John Joseph Jacobs: Let me explain.
Narrator: The facts were these: John Joseph Jacobs had indeed died on the tracks that fateful day. [FLASHBACK: Medics load John Joseph inside the ambulance and apply a defibrillator]
Medic: Clear!
Narrator: But the shock of 1200 volts brought his heart back to life. Unfortunately, his legs would not be so lucky. [MONTAGE: two doctors look at an X-ray of John Joseph’s broken legs] Consulting with the family, the doctors turned to another racer who had fallen that day. [the doctors look at a second X-ray of a horse’s healthy legs] After a 14-hour surgery, All the Gold would live on below the belt of John Joseph Jacobs. [the doctors look at a third X-ray of John Joseph with abnormally long (but healthy) legs. ROOFTOP: John Joseph, a timid, soft-spoken man, is holding a bag of ice against his head, while Chuck and Olive serve him tea]
Chuck: We thought you were a ghost.
John Joseph Jacobs: Well, I’ve basically been living in Momma’s basement for the past seven years. When I heard you talking about Shoemaker through the heating vent, I thought I was dreaming.
Olive: Did you kill him, John Joseph Jacobs?
John Joseph Jacobs: Of course not. Why would I want to kill anybody if it was just an accident? [Olive and Chuck share a look]
Olive: Then who would be trying to frame you?
John Joseph Jacobs: I don’t know. Truth is, I’ve done my best to forget that whole chapter of my life.
Olive: Guess I kinda tried that, too.
Chuck: Can we go back a little? You have, um, horse legs?
John Joseph Jacobs: Oh, it’s called xenograph transplantation: those doctors were artists. It only took two years until I could walk up the basement stairs on my own, and only another three until my momma let me.
Olive: I’m so sorry your mom keeps you in the basement.
John Joseph Jacobs: No, it’s my choice: I feel safe down there. Besides, since the operation, Momma thought I might scare people.
Olive: Is that why you’ve been hiding in the basement? John Joseph, you look gruh-ate!
Chuck: And you beat death! You’re alive!
Olive & Chuck: Yay!
Olive: Don’t you owe it to your horse to stand up on his two legs and get out there and live?
John Joseph Jacobs: [filling up with newfound hope] Maybe you’re right: maybe it’s time to tell my mother that it’s time to get out there on my own! I mean, Jeez, I’m almost forty!
Olive: John Joseph, if you want us to help you talk to her …
John Joseph Jacobs: That’ll be great. [whispers shyly] Oh, and I kinda need a ride home. [MOMMA JACOBS’ HOUSE: John Joseph, Olive and Chuck enter]
John Joseph Jacobs: My momma’s still at her aqua therapy; make yourself at home! [heads to the kitchen]
Chuck: Oh, thanks!
Olive: [whispers] Hey, if John Joseph didn’t do it, then the killer’s still out there!
John Joseph Jacobs: Swizzle sticks, we’re out of crackers!
Chuck: [realizing] Crackers?
John Joseph Jacobs: Oyster crackers: I have low blood sugar. Kinda get crazy grumpy if I don’t watch it. I have more bags downstairs. [heads downstairs; Olives goes into the sitting room and takes the trophy off the mantle]
Olive: This trophy bugs me.
Chuck: Olive, there were oyster crackers at every murder scene!
Olive: If he’s alive, then what do you think she keeps in here? [struggles to open the lid]
Chuck: I don’t know, but hurry up and open if before he comes back! What if he changes when his blood sugar level drops?
Olive: Maybe like a hypoglycemic werewolf!
Chuck: Hurry up!
Olive: [opens it and peers inside] Eeww! There are ashes in here!
Chuck: What if he’s gonna go get his horse? [a loud neigh from outside startles them and they knock over the trophy; along with ashes, a gold-plated tag with the initials "JJJ"] Ahh! Olive!
Olive: Look, it’s John Joseph Jacob’s saddle!
Chuck: He does know the secret!
Olive: Yes! [they frantically try to shove the ashes back in, when the door breaks down and the black rider bursts in with the horse]
Narrator: As Olive prepared to be the Ghost Rider’s third victim, Gordon considered the sober prospect of being the fourth … [NED’S CAR: Emerson is up front while Gordon sips from a flask, drunkenly singing a tune]
Ned: Can you not sing?
Gordon: If I don’t sing, I throw up.
Emerson: Sing.
Gordon: [rambling] I miss Pinky. I even miss Shoey. They were good people, even after Shoey got on the wagon and became an epic bore. I loved him.
Emerson: He stopped drinking?
Gordon: That poor sucker. He even made amends to John Joseph’s mother before he died.
Ned: What do you mean made amends?
Gordon: Told the old bag of nails everything! Even brought her the ashes from the saddle to prove it. [Ned and Emerson look at each other in alarm]
Emerson: Go! [MOMMA JACOBS’ HOUSE: The black rider pulls back the goggles and black silk to reveal … Momma Jacobs]
Olive: Momma Jacobs? You killed Lucas and Pinky?
Momma Jacobs: As far as anybody knows, it was the ghost of John Joseph and it’s gonna stay that way!
Chuck: Crackers were a nice touch.
Momma Jacobs: Hypoglycemia is hereditary, sweetie! I trampled them just the way they did my boy!
Chuck: But John Joseph is alive!
Momma Jacobs: They murdered his career! He could’ve won the Triple Crown! He could’ve the best there ever was!
Chuck: Olive is innocent: she didn’t cut the girth!
Olive: But I kept the secret!
Chuck: Shh!
Momma Jacobs: Now that we’ve established why I need to kill you, it’s time for you to run: I have found that trampling works better at a full gallop!
Chuck: Come on! [Chuck grabs Olive and they run outside in the woods]
Olive: This way, come on! [outside of Momma Jacobs’ house, Emerson waits as Ned comes out the front door]
Ned: They’re not there! [they hear a horse neigh and follow it]
Emerson: In the woods! [Olive and Chuck are running blindly through the dark woods]
Olive: C’mon, follow me!
Chuck: [trips and falls] Ow, my ankle!
Olive: Here, put your arm around me! [she pulls Chuck up and puts her arm around her] Lean on me! [they don’t make it far and Chuck collapses]
Chuck: Run, save yourself!
Olive: No, she’s after me, not you. Tell Ned I love – his pies! [she runs off into the clearing]
Chuck: Olive!
Olive: [calls out] Hey, over here! [Momma Jacobs sees her and comes toward her at a full gallop; Olive doesn’t move] The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be – [screams as the horse draws nearer]
Ned: Olive! [he whisks her into his arms and out of the way, while Emerson smacks Momma Jacobs with a shovel and she flies off the horse unconscious]
Emerson: [holds up the shovel] I love you, shovel.
Ned: [to Olive] Are you okay?
Olive: You saved me! [she gives him a long, full-on kiss, while Emerson does a double-take; Ned pulls away from Olive in shock just as Chuck comes around the corner]
Chuck: [limping] Ned?
Ned: Chuck?! [drops Olive like a hot potato and goes to Chuck]
Narrator: Though Olive Snook had won the race for her life, in the race for The Pie Maker’s heart, she had once again placed second. [MONTAGE: Momma Jacobs walks past a series of her son’s trophies; the camera pulls back to reveal her in a prison cell] As for Momma Jacobs, this race would be her last. She had always seen her son as winner and could not see him as anything else. Her murderous grip on the past had landed her a trip to a private museum for one. [OLIVE’S APARTMENT: Olive is lugging the enormous trophy and gives it to John Joseph] Olive offered John Joseph the trophy from the Jock-Off 2000 she felt was rightfully his.
John Joseph: Oh, I couldn’t possibly.
Narrator: He took it. As well as the unspent purse which he happily accepted. [OUTSIDE CHARLES’ HOME: Night in Ned’s car. Ned and Chuck are parked outside]
Chuck: I’m so glad you brought me back here.
Ned: I haven’t been back here in a long time. I had to confront a ghost today.
Chuck: Whose ghost?
Ned: My own. [beat] I know about the pies, Chuck.
Chuck: [busted!] Did Emerson tell you?
Ned: No.
Chuck: Olive?
Ned: [confused] Olive?
Chuck: I mean, you’re not mad?
Ned: No. I understand. C’mon, there’s something you’ve gotta do. [Chuck approaches her old house covered in a bedsheet and rings the doorbell; a light comes on upstairs]
Aunt Vivian: Is that clock right? It’s 2 o’clock in the a.m.!
Aunt Lily: I’ll get my gun.
Aunt Vivian: [excitedly] And I’ll get the candy bowl! [the door opens and they greet their Trick-or-Treater with said gun and candy bowl]
Chuck: [holds up her empty pumpkin] Trick-or-treat. [Vivian cheerfully fills it up; Lily even lowers her gun and smiles]
FIN.
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