A Wetpaint Site

Transcript: Episode 6

1x06 - "Bitches"

[ACADEMY - NIGHT: In the community sleeping quarters, slumbering boys occupy the beds, except for one noticeably empty bed …]

Narrator: Bedtime at the Longborough School for Boys was a time for dreams, dreams filled with the bliss that came from a happy childhood. But on this night, one boy chose to dream with his eyes wide open. [Ned is wearing a makeshift Pterodactyl outfit and holding two Play-Doh figures modeled after his mother and himself, along with a model of Chuck] Eleven weeks, 1 day, 7 hours and 41 minutes ago, young Ned was living that happy childhood, complete with a lovely home, caring mother and boyhood sweetheart, a girl he called Chuck. [Digby pops his head out from inside a trunk in front of his bed] But when his mother died – twice – young Ned awoke to a new reality. Though he could reanimate the dead, young Ned could only animate the inanimate with his imagination. On this lonely night, he tried to recreate his past life … [the clay models of Ned and Chuck come alive and approach; just as they reach one another, the clay models of Chuck and himself collapse and fall apart, struggling to touch one another. Ned’s face falls as reality sets back in]

Narrator: … But he’d lost his ability to dream and found even his imagination failed him. [Digby whines and goes back inside the trunk. Ned turns away and looks sadly out the window at the full moon] Still, he wore hope on his head. What young Ned didn’t know was at that very moment, the girl he called Chuck was wearing hope on hers. [CHARLES’ HOME: Young Chuck is staring wistfully at the same moon wearing her dinosaur outfit] They were together even if they were far apart.

[NED’S BEDROOM – MORNING: Ned is lying in bed staring at the ceiling; he turns on his side just as Chuck stirs awake opposite him in her bed]

Narrator: For unfortunately, The Pie Maker could never, ever touch her.

Chuck: Are you watching me sleep?

Ned: Uh, no. Sort of. But mainly I was just waiting for you to wake up, but in the process of waiting for you to wake up, I was, yes, I was watching you sleep.

Chuck: You do that a lot, don’t you?

Ned: [smiling] It’s like watching you come back to life.

Chuck: Again. [throws off the covers] Good morning. [as she steps into the space between their beds, she trips on Digby and lands facefirst across Ned’s body, who instinctively catches her with his hands, but it’s too late: he touched her. Ned is frozen in horror at the thought of killing Chuck … until she raises her head with a gasp]

Ned: You’re not – ?

Chuck: How come I’m not – ?

Ned: Maybe it wears off, maybe there’s an eclipse, maybe … [touches her arm for the first time, entranced] Oh, my God, your skin is amazing –

Chuck: [puts a finger to his lips] Stop talking. [they come together for a series of breathless kisses; they finally come up for air] We’re wearing too many clothes. [smiling, they quickly remove their tops; Digby whines and covers his eyes with a paw] I’m still wearing too many clothes.

Ned: [admiringly] You’re not wearing any. [to Ned’s horror again, Chuck removes her skin to reveal … a naked Olive] Oh.

Olive: Much better. [Ned sits up and she embraces him] Don’t tell Chuck. [they kiss … and Ned wakes up with a start, realizing that he’s kissing his pillow]

Ned: Oh. [quickly lays on his side as Chuck opens her eyes]

Chuck: Are you watching me sleep?

Ned: Um, yes, I was.

Chuck: You do that a lot, don’t you?

Ned: Um, yes, I do.

Narrator: The Pie Maker wanted to tell Chuck that he liked watching the moment she waked, that it was like watching her come back to life, again. So instead he said nothing. [Ned gets out of bed with a sigh]

[THE PIE HOLE: Emerson is in a booth; Ned joins him. He guiltily sneaks a look at Olive and Chuck, who are at the counter refilling the sugar dispensers]

Narrator: So The Pie Maker sought to use Emerson Cod as a sounding board for that reality, which recently included a moonlit kiss with one Olive Snook.

Ned: I had a sexy dream about Olive last night. [Emerson rolls his eyes] And I’m sure it was influenced by a reality-based kiss by the road, y’know …

Emerson: There’s no way for this conversation to be anything but awkward for me.

Ned: She was wearing a Chuck suit. In the dream. What do you think it means, beyond the obvious?

Emerson: Dreams are just your brain processing random rigmarole it couldn’t find a place for: it don’t mean nothin’. Except you feel guilty about kissing Olive when you want to be kissing some dead girl you can’t.

Ned: I said "Beyond the obvious". And Olive kissed me: it was a friendly expression of innocent gratitude.

Emerson: Was it a wet kiss or a dry kiss?

Ned: There was a little moisture, I guess … ohh … [holds his fists to his head]

Emerson: That girl dropped a bomb in your subconscious with her saliva.

Ned: You make it sound so devious. It’s not: it didn’t mean anything, which is why Chuck doesn’t have to know.

Narrator: Emerson Cod had a very particular view on romantic relations.

Emerson: Someone we love like gangstas: it’d be like "Ooh, baby, you bleedin’, how that happen?" While they hiding a razor in their weave.

Ned: Olive’s not a gangster.

Emerson: Why you think she always rubbin’ up on you?

Ned: [quickly] To be nice! It’s an employee-employer kind of … niceness that occasionally includes platonic rubbing.

Emerson: Ain’t nothing platonic about it.

Ned: [finally realizing] Oh. Ohh … [drops his head on the table]

Emerson: Heh-heh-heh-heh … you coming undone, ain’t you?

Ned: I don’t want to touch Olive – not in that way.

Emerson: Mmm-hmm.

Narrator: In fact, The Pie Maker was coming undone: as he wrestled with the meaning of Olive’s affections, Olive wrestled with her own emotions about the kiss. So she confessed.

Olive: It didn’t mean anything, that’s why I’m telling you. It was a friendly expression of innocent gratitude. A peck – it didn’t even last a second! [off her watch] In fact, one-thousand one. See? Couldn’t have been half that.

Chuck: [more surprised than upset] Half?

Olive: A third! Maybe even a quarter, very brief. He didn’t mention it?

Chuck: No. Should he have?

Olive: No.

Narrator: Olive Snook was saddened her kiss wasn’t worth a mention.

Chuck: [evenly] Oh, well: I guess Ned deserves a friendly expression of innocent gratitude, but I don’t think I’d like it if you did it again.

Olive: I don’t think I’d like it either. I mean, I would: but not in this context.

Chuck: [smiling] So does that mean Ned’s lips were soft?

Olive: You don’t know?

Chuck: We don’t touch – well, not directly, prophylactically, yes, but nothing more.

Olive: You don’t touch … you don’t! I have been watching you – not obsessively – but I’ve been paying attention. You don’t touch!

Chuck: We can’t.

Olive: Which is why you kissed through the plastic food wrapper – I couldn’t get my head around it. Do you have some kind of deadly food allergy to Ned?

Chuck: I’m going to say yes: I get swelling, eczema, hives. All things to avoid.

Olive: That’s the most tragic story I’ve ever heard. [Chuck holds back a laugh] Not withstanding the big ticket items like genocide and famine. But tragic nonetheless …

Chuck: Oh, I don’t know: surely not that bad.

Narrator: And it wasn’t. Yet. At that very moment, 14 miles due west as a crow flies, Harold Hundin was experiencing something much more tragic: his murder. [HAROLD HUNDIN’S OFFICE: reading, he gets up from his desk, absently sipping from a travel mug, when we see flashes of a silver blade, Psycho-style. He flails and grabs various items from his desk until he collapses on the ground dead, a silver-handled brush sticking out of his chest]

Narrator: The facts were these: [FLASHBACK: a smiling Harold Hundin proudly presents his many prize-winning canines at a contest] Harold Hundin, a renowned dog breeder and president of the Papen County Kennel Club, was 37 years, 11 weeks, 5 days, 1 hour and 2 minutes old, when he was stabbed multiple times in his office at the Papen County Kennel Club. The Kennel Club offered a reward for information leading to the arrest of his killer. [MORGUE OFFICE: the trio enters. Emerson goes directly to the Coroner and hands him a wad of cash: for the first time, the dour Coroner smiles]

Narrator: And where there was a reward, there was Emerson Cod. [MORGUE: Ned starts his watch and touches Harold Hundin, whose chest is scarred with multiple stab wounds]

Chuck: [professionally] Hello, Mr. Hundin. We’re going to move through things quickly and efficiently, so pay close attention because this concerns you. You have one minute to answer a brief series of questions –

Ned: Short concise answers are best.

Chuck: But feel free to elaborate if you need to.

Harold Hundin: When does my minute start?

Ned: Fifteen seconds ago.

Emerson: Any last wishes or woulda-shoulda-coulda’s?

Harold Hundin: [wistfully] I wish I coulda said goodbye to Bubblegum …

Ned: [reaching for his pocket] I have stick gum.

Harold Hundin: Bubblegum’s my dog. Hey, if you people are angels, I would love it if you were surrounded by white light or positive energy or whatever it is you do – she was a sweet girl.

Emerson: Yeah, yeah, white light, check. [pointedly to Chuck] Next question.

Chuck: Who stabbed you, Mr. Hundin?

Harold Hundin: There was stabbing, but nobody stabbed me.

Narrator: Harold Hundin detailed the strange series of events that resulted in his stabbings: Before Hundin could stab himself, he was poisoned. [FLASHBACK: HUNDIN’S OFFICE. He takes a drink from his travel mug and immediately feels a sharp pain in his stomach; he lurches in pain, dropping the mug and splashing coffee on the floor. In an unfortunately comedic manner, he slips on the coffee and lands chest-first against the sharp end of a dog brush sticking out of a basket on his desk, and in his effort to get up, he continually slips and falls against the brush over and over … ] A puddle of spilled coffee … an unfortunately positioned designer dog brush … with an unfortunately sharp end … and his own tenacity expedited his death.

Harold Hundin: I tasted almonds in my coffee, real bitter, exceptionally bitter, with an intense charismatic flavor that could only be … cyanide.

Chuck: You could taste the cyanide?

Harold Hundin: A dog could taste it: they have one-sixth of the taste buds I have.

Emerson: Well, then, fool, why’d you drink it?

Harold Hundin: I was using an almond-flavored coffee cream creamer in my coffee and I thought maybe it went bad, but there were no curdles, and by the time I figured out I was poisoned, it was too late.

Chuck: Who gave you the coffee?

Harold Hundin: My wife. [realizing] Oh, honey, how could you?

Emerson: Now that’s gangsta love. Don’t you worry: ol’ Honey is gonna get what’s coming to her.

Harold Hundin: Great, I’ll come with. [he starts to get up when Ned touches him and he falls back dead]

Emerson: See that? Simple: you ask a question, you get an answer. There’s no room for buttscuttling or misinterpretation. Oh, thank you, Lord, for simple things like "My wife did it".

[THE PIE HOLE DINING ROOM: Ned and Chuck are playing backgammon at the counter when Emerson walks in with a folder under his arm]

Chuck: Hey, did you find Harold’s wife?

Emerson: Oh, I found all four of them: the son of a bitch was a damn polygamist.

Narrator: Harold Hundin was indeed a damn polygamist with multiple Mrs.’s, of which, there are four. [MONTAGE: Harold bursts through a set of chapel doors four times, each with a different bride and the other wives serving as bridesmaids] Hillary was his first; Heather his second; Simone his third; and Hallie was his fourth and final wife. But only one of the Hundin wives killed their husband … [THE PIE HOLE: Ned is on his way to the dining room when Olive catches him at the counter]

Narrator: Wondering why her kiss with The Pie Maker went unmentioned, Olive Snook attempted to mention the unmentionable.

Olive: Psst! We should clear the air.

Ned: [uncomfortably] Is there air needs clearing?

Olive: Our relations on the road … ?

Ned: Oh, that. I haven’t thought another thought about that. [flees to the booth where Emerson and Chuck are discussing the case]

Chuck: [to Emerson] Four wives? That’s just greedy!

Olive: [joining them] And intriguing!

Emerson: Some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, others like their Neapolitan.

Ned: I like Neapolitan!

Emerson: Then you’d do well as a polygamist! One woman to have; one woman to hold. [Olive sneaks a glance at Chuck]

Ned: [under his breath to Emerson] Why would you do that? [to Chuck] For the record, I would make a horrible polygamist: I’m easily distracted, I wouldn’t know where to focus.

Emerson: Oh, yeah? Well, Harold Hundin knew where to focus. Found himself the perfect wife. Except she had four heads. They’re all breeders, too …

Olive: [shocked] They make children for their polygamy cult?

Emerson: Dog breeders. [Digby lets out a loud bark]

Olive: [off Digby, horrified] They make dogs for their polygamy cult?!

Emerson: [exasperated] Ain’t nobody making nothing for their polygamy cult.

Chuck: So which wife do you think wanted to kill him most?

Olive: How do you know a wife did it?

Ned: [covering] He left a note.

Olive: [excited] A note! How mysterious! Can I play?

Ned: [quickly] No, sorry, Emerson doesn’t like – [Olive frowns and automatically moves to leave]

Emerson: [thinking to himself] Although …

Chuck: I love a good "Although … "

Olive: Me, too …

Emerson: The same four faces show up in different places asking suspicious questions they’ll be on us faster than you can say monogamy. We got four suspects, we got four faces …

Olive: [excitedly] Yeah, yeah! Does that mean I get to play?

Emerson: [concerned about his money pie] If you’re playing, it’s for play-play: you know you ain’t getting paid, right? [Olive nods]

Narrator: And the suspects were these: [MONTAGE: The first wife is in her tastefully decorated shop with a white standard poodle] Hillary Hundin, owner of Prêt-à-Poochie Designer Dogware & Accessories, she was the first to join Harold Hundin in matrimony. Hillary Hundin was generally pleasant, happy and perky, but might snap if teased or surprised. [MONTAGE: The second Mrs. Hundin is in her office, analyzing a Border Collie lying on a couch] Pluralizing the marriage was Heather Hundin, a renowned pet psychologist, and host of the weekly radio show, "Doggone-It". [MONTAGE: The third Mrs. Hundin is in her obedience school, training three Jack Russell Terriers] Simone Hundin was Harold’s third wife: she pioneered K-18 Obedience, where demanding dog owners got double from their canines.

Simone Hundin: [forms a gun with her hand and points at each dog] Bang, bang, bang.

Narrator: Like the Jack Russell Terriers she trains and breeds, Simone possesses strong, hunting instincts that if left unchecked, could result in deadly aggression. [all three dogs obediently keels over; Simone blows smoke off her "gun". MONTAGE: The fourth Mrs. Hundin is standing with outside with three blind people and their seeing-eye dogs] Harold Hundin’s fourth and final wife, was young Hallie, who bred Labradors and donated them as seeing-eye dogs to the blind. Like her Labs, Hallie was loyal, friendly and competitively obedient. She craved human attention, but if denied, her competitive obedience could go horribly awry. [OUTSIDE HILLARY HUNDIN’S SHOP: Emerson’s car rolls to a stop with Ned, Chuck, Olive and Digby in tow; the three riders open the door]

Emerson: Wait. [they all simultaneously shut their doors] We’re going undercover, and by undercover, I mean that under no circumstances are you to reveal any factual information about your person.

Chuck: You mean you want us to lie.

Emerson: I want you to lie consistently. And we all gotta take turns with the dog.

Olive: He has a name, y’know!

Emerson: Yeah, and you better lie about that, too.

[HILLARY HUNDIN’S SHOP: Olive comes in with Digby, wearing a wig. The first Mrs. Hundin is a fashionably dressed and elegant woman]

Olive: Oh, you have a gorgeous selection of couture! Pickle loves him some D&G. [Digby barks loudly, startling Hillary; Olive points to a clothes rack] He’d like to know if that comes in green. [Hillary opens her mouth to answer, but Olive doesn’t wait for a reply] I’m kidding: he didn’t really just say that. Hello, I’m Pimento. [holds out her hand] And you are?

[HEATHER HUNDIN’S OFFICE: Ned and Digby sit on a therapist’s couch with a full two feet of space between them; the second Mrs. Hundin is a beautiful Asian woman in a controlled and stern way, is holding a pad and pen]

Ned: Ned.

Heather Hundin: Have you had Ned since he was a puppy?

Ned: Ned and I have been together for a very long time, we’re intimate – but it’s the appropriate human-canine sort of intimacy?

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL: The third wife is just as beautiful as the first two, but severe and cold as a museum; she speaks in a clipped British accent to Emerson and Digby]

Simone Hundin: He doesn’t respect you.

Emerson: He respects me.

Simone Hundin: Tell him to sit.

Emerson: [to Digby] Sit. [Digby does nothing] Dammit, dog, you’d better sit your ass down. [he presses down on Digby’s backside and who responds by snarling] He don’t wanna sit.

Simone Hundin: Sit. [Digby whines and obediently sits]

[HALLIE HUNDIN’S HOME: The fourth Mrs. Hundin is the youngest and cute in a sorority-girl kind of way. Chuck is accessorized with an oversized pair of dark sunglasses and white cane, while Digby wears a harness; both are totally unconvincing as a blind person and guide dog]

Chuck: You have a very lovely home – it feels lovely. [walks smack into a wall; she sniffs it] And it smells lovely. Do you use an air purifier?

Hallie Hundin: It helps with the dander. [questioningly] How did you lose your sight?

Chuck: I was cleaning out the kitty litter and I got cat sand in my eye. Horrible infection, very sad –

Hallie Hundin: I know you’re not blind.

Chuck: [removes her glasses, relieved] Oh, thank you, I feel awful doing that.

Hallie Hundin: It was humiliating for both of us.

[HILLARY HUNDIN’S SHOP: Hillary and Olive are sitting on a couch with Digby (now outfitted in a tasteful sweater) sits between them]

Olive: He looks like a Pickle, doesn’t he?

Hillary Hundin: Do you always name your animals after food?

Olive: Mmm-hmm, I used to have a horse named Pie in another life. That’s ‘cause I wanted to be like Elizabeth Taylor, she was so pretty. [face falls] And then Pie died.

Hillary Hundin: [tearing up] I just lost my dog, Bubblegum. [Digby whines and places his head on Hillary’s lap in sympathy]

Olive: [tearing up too] I was in shock when I lost my Pie – the horse, not the food – and one day I was walking along and I saw a bakery in the shape of a giant pie – the food, not the horse. It was a sign. I don’t know what it said, but it was there.

Hillary Hundin: Are you suggesting that I’ll find the answers to life and death in a bubblegum machine?

[HALLIE HUNDIN’S HOME: Chuck pretends to be shocked by the news about Bubblegum]

Chuck: Bubblegum’s dead? I was looking forward to being surrounding her in white light and positive energy. I wasn’t quite sure how to do that but at least I could dogsit or take it for a walk in the park.

Hallie Hundin: You knew about Bubblegum?

Chuck: [lying] Harold left a note …

Hallie Hundin: She was everything to Harold, well, we all were. We were family, my sister-wives and me.

Chuck: You didn’t mind sharing?

Hallie Hundin: [defensively] It’s not like he treated me like one of so many buried bones he could dig up from the yard whenever he saw fit.

Chuck: Oh, I didn’t mean to say it like that –

Hallie Hundin: I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him.

Chuck: Literally?

Hallie Hundin: I was exaggerating for dramatic effect, but that’s the way I felt when we were together. And if you feel something, it’s real.

Chuck: How did Bubblegum die?

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL: Simone is working with Digby]

Simone Hundin: I backed up over her.

Emerson: You didn’t look where you were going?

Simone Hundin: I just found out my husband was murdered and in my panic to get to the scene of the crime, I forgot to check my rear-view mirror.

[HEATHER HUNDIN’S OFFICE]

Heather Hundin: Clearly, it’s not an affectionate relationship.

Ned: We’re very affectionate. It’s just … [taking advantage of free advice] Ned’s been having strange dreams lately: his paw twitches and he whimpers – it’d be cute if it weren’t so sad – [Digby lays down and whimpers] He’d been experiencing stress-related anxiety due to, uh, mating issues.

Heather Hundin: You’re deflecting. You’re avoiding a deeper discussion of Ned’s "mating issues".

Ned: [head in his hands] Can’t you see that this is making Ned uncomfortable?

Heather Hundin: Mr. Digby, Ned’s merely wrestling with the natural anxieties of an inexperienced stud.

Ned: [suddenly] He’s had experience! Some …

Heather Hundin: Mating isn’t just for the betterment of the breed: it’s for the betterment of the dog. Passions they never even knew existed suddenly burst forth, allowing discovery of their true primal selves as they –

Narrator: She was referring to her late husband. Not Digby.

Heather Hundin: Excuse me. [Heather gets up and leaves the room; Ned and Digby look at each other in confusion]

Narrator: Heather Hundin took a moment to mourn her husband, Harold, and Digby and The Pie Maker took a moment to politely pretend not to notice. [Heather comes back in and sits down; she has clearly been crying]

Heather Hundin: [squeaky voice] Where were we?

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL: Simone continues working with Digby using a clacker to trigger responses]

Simone Hundin: How specialized in designer breeds are the Jackapoo?

Emerson: Jackawhat?

Simone Hundin: The Jack Russell-Poodle mix? The Collador, the Labrarussell? It was a niche, but it was Harold’s niche.

Narrator: At the apex of that niche, was the creation of the perfect, new breed of dog that Harold named Bubblegum. [MONTAGE: in a sterile laboratory, a Standard Poodle, Border Collie, Jack Russell and Labrador Retriever, are merged into one huge hybrid dog: Bubblegum]

[HALLIE HUNDIN’S HOME]

Chuck: So Bubblegum was a Colladorrussellpoo?

Hallie Hundin: The perfect breed of Border Collie, Labrador Retriever, Jack Russell Terrier and Poodle: smart, loyal, athletic and – [tearing up] – hypoallergenic. She’s with Harold now.

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL]

Emerson: Sounds like you gave Harold a long leash.

Simone Hundin: I never held Harold’s leash or his anything else: he wasn’t my hand, I wasn’t his bitch. He liked dogs; I liked dogs.

Emerson: So nothing going on between you two?

Simone Hundin: What we had was a trained response. [she bends down to look at Digby, providing ample view, which Emerson admires] Humans and dogs are the same: supply the right cue … [she hits the clacker and Emerson automatically looks away, momentarily confused] … and they respond accordingly. The only cue we ever gave each other was commercial.

Emerson: So, you two just used each other!

Simone Hundin: Haven’t you ever used anyone for commercial gain?

Emerson: [why, yes!] Heh-heh-heh ...

[HALLIE HUNDIN’S HOME]

Chuck: When was the last time you ever saw Harold alive?

Hallie Hundin: [misty-eyed] Right before he died. I handed him his coffee and I kissed him goodbye.

[HILLARY HUNDIN’S SHOP: Hillary is outfitting Digby in a regal outfit]

Hillary Hundin: The morning he died, I gave him his coffee.

[HEATHER HUNDIN’S OFFICE]

Heather Hundin: [full-blown crying] I gave him his morning coffee! And it was the last I saw of him!

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL]

Simone Hundin: I said, "Why don’t you come by for some coffee?" We had some things to discuss, so he came by, we discussed those things, he took his coffee to go and then he died.

[THE PIE HOLE: Olive is behind the counter, while the trio are seated on stools]

Olive: My wife did it: she had murder in her eyes. And that murder was couture.

Ned: My wife gave him his morning coffee.

Chuck, Olive & Emerson: So did mine!

Emerson: No wonder that guy could handle four wives: the dude was caffeinated!

Chuck: I don’t think Hallie did it: she didn’t give me that impression.

Emerson: Did she give him some morning coffee?

Chuck: She said she gave him his morning coffee and kissed him goodbye – which is practically a confession – but I still don’t think she did it.

Olive: [ducking under the counter] There she is now: you can ask her. [Digby cowers behind a booth as the door opens: the four Hundin wives walk into the dining room]

Hillary Hundin: [pointing at Olive] That’s her, the little one.

Heather Hundin: [accusingly to Ned] Mr. Digby.

Chuck: Hi, Hallie!

Hallie Hundin: Hi … Chuck. [Emerson moves to get up but Simone uses her clacker]

Simone Hundin: Sit. [Emerson automatically sits back down and makes a face, clearly perturbed]

Olive: How did you guys find us?

Hillary Hundin: Just looked for the bakery shaped like a giant pie. The food, not the horse.

Simone Hundin: We understand Harold left a note.

Emerson: Who said anything about a note?

Chuck: [oops] I said about the note.

Emerson: [angrily to Chuck, Olive & Ned] "Under-" meaning "below": "-cover" meaning "the radar, people". What’s so hard about that to understand?

Chuck: Sorry.

Hillary Hundin: Who are you people?

Emerson: We’ll get to the particulars of that once you get to the particulars of this: what kind of creamer you put into Harold’s coffee?

Hillary Hundin: Soy.

Heather Hundin: Heavy cream.

Simone Hundin: I don’t put cream in my coffee.

Hallie Hundin: I use almond-flavored coffee cream creamer. [everyone turns and stares accusingly at Hallie … later, in Ned’s kitchen, he is taking a pie out of the oven]

Ned: The police wrestled little Hallie Hundin to the ground and she’s small: it was like a lion taking down a baby zebra.

Chuck: And we were awful tourists sitting safe in our camouflaged SUV watching the injustice.

Emerson: Injustice? They found cyanide in her coffee.

Chuck: My wife, the baby zebra, is obviously being set up: she breeds helper puppies for blind children! I mean, she’s no killer! She’s an angel.

Emerson: Yeah, angel of death. Kennel Club didn’t think Baby Zebra was set up and neither did the police.

Ned: Hallie did look innocent: I know that sounds silly coming from a private investigator –

Emerson: Yes, it does.

Ned: But as a baker of pies, it’s not silly at all. I look at a pie baking, I know if it’s done or if it’s not done. I can’t tell you how I know or why, but I know: it’s the truth from that dark, deep-rooted place down deep inside. [phone rings; he answers] Pie Hole. [listens; then to Emerson] It’s for you.

Narrator: As The Pie Maker considered all of the truths he was keeping buried within in his deep-rooted place, and far away from Chuck …

Emerson: [in the phone] Yes, we do. I certainly can. Bye now.

Narrator: Emerson Cod considered 25,000 new reasons to reopen the case.

Emerson: Uh, we need to prove Hallie Hundin’s innocent.

Ned: Your conscience calls you on the telephone?

Emerson: Those blind kids that Hallie gave her puppies to have put together a Free Hallie Fund: we exonerate Hallie, we collect the reward.

Chuck: You’re taking money from blind children?

Emerson: I suppose I could pay my bills with blind kids’ smiles, but their money is a lot easier.

[PAPEN COUNTY JAIL: the trio are speaking to Hallie in her jail cell; her cellmate is on the top bunk with her back to us asleep]

Hallie Hundin: Everybody’s been really nice. It’s not at all like those prison exploitation films.

Chuck: So you don’t need cigarettes or alcohol or the right moisturizer to use as currency?

Hallie Hundin: Oh, no. [pointing] That’s my friend, Teresa, she says she runs the cell block, so I’m protected.

Ned: She sleeps a lot for someone who runs a cell block.

Hallie Hundin: I don’t think it’s been an easy road for her.

Emerson: Well, it’d be a lot easier road for you once you help us find out who killed Harold. Hallie, was it Hillary, Heather or Simone?

Hallie Hundin: It couldn’t have been any of my sister-wives: we all love Harold too much to kill him.

Chuck: Oh, no, it was one of your sister-wives: Harold said so. [off Hallie’s confused look] In his note.

Hallie Hundin: If you ask me … oh, are you asking me?

Chuck: Yes!

Hallie Hundin: It was Ramsfeld Snuppy. He’s another niche dog breeder, but not as niche as Harold. Snuppy wanted our Bubblegum: Snuppy wanted to collaborate with Harold to make Colladorrussellpoo superpuppies, but I think Snuppy wanted all the doggie treats to himself. He could’ve easily planted the cyanide in my almond-flavored coffee creamer.

Ned: But murder? For a few puppies?

Hallie Hundin: Snuppy had big plans for her.

Narrator: The facts were these: one Ramsfeld Snuppy was the son of a furniture liquidator and shopping network hand model. [OUTSIDE SNUPPY’S PUPPIES: Snuppy looks like a Texas car salesman outfitted in a cheap three-piece suit with a ten-gallon hat, ostentatious gold watch and accent to match, the storefront displays puppies in the window. In a TV commercial, he waves his large hand to the audience]

Ramsfeld Snuppy: Woof, woof, woof! How much is that puppy in the winda? She can be yers for 12 easy payments of $129.95!

Narrator: And he went from a single storefront puppy shop in Frognook, Texas, to a nationwide empire of Snuppy’s Puppies chainstores. For Ramsfeld Snuppy, money didn’t grow on trees, it was made in cages. [MONTAGE: we see a huge skyscraper that is Snuppy’s Puppies HQ]

[RAMSFELD SNUPPY’S OFFICE: the office is separated by a wall, in which, dog kennels are tastefully covered because they are a-rockin’. Ned, Chuck and Emerson try not to stare at the busy-goings-on while they wait for the office owner]

Chuck: I listened to Heather Hundin’s radio show "Doggone-It" and she said that dog breeding is a lot harder than you think.

Emerson: Looks easy enough.

Chuck: No, it’s not, because all these hoops the prospective mates have to jump through to see if they’re compatible, like their smell and their taste: they even have their own kind of doggie kissing! [to Ned] Bit like people kissing.

Emerson: [to Ned out the side of his mouth] Thought you said you weren’t gonna tell her.

Ned: [answering out the side of his mouth] I didn’t.

Chuck: You didn’t have to: Olive already did. But for the record, I would’ve preferred to hear it from you.

Ned: The only reason I didn’t tell you was because it didn’t mean anything. Lots of stuff happens in the course of a day that I don’t bother sharing: for instance, yesterday’s 4-Berry Pie was actually 3½ because I ran out of cranberries. I didn’t tell you that.

Chuck: Actually, you did. You asked if orange counted as a berry and I said that it didn’t but no one had to know but us.

Ned: I liked that you said "us".

Chuck: Well, we are an "us", aren’t we? We’re just an "us" with special circumstances.

Emerson: Why do I always have to be around for this stuff?

Chuck: Maybe we just have to embrace the idea that sometimes I might have to hold someone else’s hand and sometimes you might have to kiss somebody else’s –

Ned: I don’t want to kiss anybody else’s anything.

Chuck: Maybe there’s something to this polygamy thing, maybe one person isn’t enough.

Ned: [shocked] What? [office door opens and Snuppy enters]

Ramsfeld Snuppy: Howdy, folks!

Chuck: Hi!

Ramsfeld Snuppy: What can I do for you?

Emerson: I hear you’re the man to see if we want to get our hands on a Colladorrussellpoo.

Ramsfeld Snuppy: There’s a waiting list, though, we’re a little behind on manufacturing.

Ned: Manufacturing?

Ramsfeld Snuppy: Yeah, we had a little reproductive setback when the alpha dog got run over. But that don’t mean there won’t be a super hybrid pup under every Christmas tree this year.

Ned: How do you plan to breed a bubble that has burst? Or run over, as the case may be?

Ramsfeld Snuppy: Son, why go through the hassle of breeding when we can create the perfect copy of man’s best best friend exclusively to Snuppy’s Puppies near you? [reaches behind the credenza and picks up a pink urn] I’m gonna clone Bubblegum from her remains. All I gotta do is find some viable DNA, fuse ‘em in some denucleated egg cells and plant the eggs in a surrogate dogs in all my nationwide stores and woof-woof-woof! More identical copies of Colladorrussellpoos than you can count!

Chuck: But Bubblegum wasn’t your dog! [they all look at her] Well, she wasn’t!

Ramsfeld Snuppy: [drops his good-ol-boy act] Are you the Hundin lawyers?

Ned: We’re friends of the Hundin wives.

Ramsfeld Snuppy: They saw the contract: they know the whole deal! [pulls out a Bill of Sale and shows it to Emerson] I own Bubblegum dead or alive.

Chuck: Harold sold you Bubblegum?

Ramsfeld Snuppy: Against his wives’ wishes: it’s probably why they wanted him dead. But the ink was dry before Hallie got to him! I got what was coming to me.

Emerson: [realizing] Someone I need to see ...

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL: Simone is holding a clacker while a Jack Russell is on the other side of a hoop]

Emerson: [accusingly] You knew Harold was going to sell Bubblegum to Snuppy, yet you neglected to mention that in our previous conversation.

Simone Hundin: And you think that gave me enough motive to kill my husband?

Emerson: That’s exactly what I think.

Simone Hundin: You think wrong: I didn’t kill Harold.

Emerson: Hallie thinks Snuffy did it.

Simone Hundin: Hallie would fetch a ball in traffic if asked, but in this case, she isn’t necessarily wrong.

Emerson: Keep talking.

Simone Hundin: When Harold came to us with his plan, we threatened to get an injunction as partners of his business. That would’ve held up Snuppy’s plans for years, so he killed Harold and framed Hallie.

Emerson: That’s one theory: another one is you were worried about Harold and his plan. You put an injunction on the blood flow to his heart. [bends close to Simone]

Simone Hundin: [faces him unafraid] Do I seem capable of that kind of aggression?

Emerson: Well, you never know what a body’s capable of ‘til you mess with their Kibble.

Simone Hundin: So don’t mess. [presses the clacker and Emerson automatically turns away; he blinks hard in confusion]

[EMERSON’S OFFICE – NIGHT: Emerson is leaning back in his chair asleep]

Narrator: If he had paid attention while awake, Emerson Cod would’ve found the evidence pointing toward Simone Hundin’s guilt. [DREAM MONTAGE/FLASHBACK: Simone is wearing a pink, jeweled dog collar with the initials "B.G."] Feeling something amiss at the K-18 Dog Studio, Emerson Cod’s subconscious mind put it together before his conscious mind could: someone or some dog was using Bubblegum’s collar. Emerson Cod’s dream had gifted him the collar, a clue. [Emerson is walking through a cemetery leading to an open empty grave with a headstone for "Bubblegum"] He knew Bubblegum was alive and that Harold Hundin’s killer was indeed still on the loose. But worse, he feared he was falling for her. [dreams of falling through a montage of pies, then wakes up with a start]

[THE PIE HOLE – DAY: Emerson is sitting at the counter talking to Ned]

Emerson: That dog is alive.

Ned: Alive or alive again?

Emerson: The never-been-dead kind of alive.

Ned: And you got all of this from a dream? I thought dreams were just processing random rigmarole your brain couldn’t find a place for.

Emerson: Sometimes in that random rigmarole there’s a clue. I’m gonna shake down Simone, I’m gonna find that dog.

Ned: If you shake Simone and the dog falls out …

Emerson: Then she’s the killer.

Narrator: Fearing being alone with the girl he kissed but did not love … [turns to see Chuck in the kitchen] … The girl he loved but could not kiss, The Pie Maker decided …

Ned: I’ll come with you!

Emerson: This is a solo shaking. [Emerson leaves; Olives come up to the counter]

Olive: [softly] Hi.

Ned: [loudly] Hello! Olive!

Olive: I know things have gotten a smidge awkward since I kissed you and all –

Ned: Awkward? This isn’t awkward, it was just a kiss and I don’t even think our saliva was compatible, so there’s no reason to discuss and make something that isn’t awkward … awkward. [walks away]

Narrator: Olive pondered the black mark on her relationship with The Pie Maker she feared was inked with a permanent marker. [Digby comforts her]

Olive: I really screwed the pooch, didn’t I? [Hillary Hundin walks in with two bags of couture and places them on the counter]

Hillary Hundin: Your order for Pickle came in.

Olive: That order was placed under false pretenses.

Hillary Hundin: [hands her a receipt] Fortunately, your credit card was real.

Olive: Well, happy birthday to Digby and congratulations to you, too, I suppose.

Hillary Hundin: [confused] For what?

Olive: I heard about the plans for cloning Bubblegum. Guess you’ll be getting your baby back after all. In a way.

Hillary Hundin: Snuppy can clone Bubblegum?

Olive: It has to do with DNA and nucleuses, well, I was never very good at science but, yay!

Hillary Hundin: [feigned enthusiasm] Yay!

[SIMONE HUNDIN’S K-18 SCHOOL: Emerson is looking at a dog statue with the pink collar from his dream; Simone follows him as he circles the statue]

Narrator: At the K-18 Obedience Center, Emerson Cod believed he had found the real killer.

Emerson: Why is it that Bubblegum’s collar moves every time I come over here? I’m thinking it’s because you can’t walk a dog without a collar. And guess what else? You can’t walk a dead dog. So I’m only gonna ask you this once: where’s Bubblegum?

Simone Hundin: You got me. I’ve got her. And I knew if you knew I had her you’d assume I killed Harold to keep her.

Emerson: Yeah, quickly adding up to be little more than an assumption.

Simone Hundin: I can only say I didn’t kill my husband so many times, but for good measure I didn’t kill my husband.

Emerson: You can say it all you want or stop listening: the only thing I wanna hear is the clickety-clack of Bubblegum’s paws on the floor as you bring Exhibit A on out here.

Simone Hundin: [slithering up to Emerson] You seem more concerned about Bubblegum than who killed Harold …

Emerson: [draws in for a moment, then breaks away] Stop playing and go show me that Superdog.

Simone Hundin: It’s time for her walk anyway. I’ll go fetch my coat: grab her collar from the pedestal there. [uses the clacker]

Emerson: [automatically] Okay.

Narrator: Simone Hundin had been subconsciously training Emerson Cod, who had a strong desire to do as she commanded. [as Emerson again furrows his brow at his response to the clacker, Simone smothers him from behind with chloroform; after a brief struggle, he passes out. Later in the dark, Emerson hallucinates briefly before waking up to find a snarling Bubblegum over his face; his mouth is duct-taped shut and his hands are tied down to a table with leashes. Simone opens a shade to let in sunlight]

Simone Hundin: Bubblegum, heel! [the dog moves away] Things will go over easier if you cooperate. [she rips off the duct tape and Emerson spits out a rubber ball that lands with a squeak]

Emerson: The hell you think you playin’?!

Simone Hundin: I’m asking the questions: how long have you been working for Snuppy?

Emerson: I don’t work for Snuppy: bunch of blind kids with too much money paid me to exonerate your sister-wife, Hallie.

Simone Hundin: I don’t believe you: I think he hired you to see if I faked Bubblegum’s death.

Emerson: Why would he do that?

Simone Hundin: Because he can’t clone a dead dog.

Emerson: Yeah, he can: you gave him everything he needed when you handed him Bubblegum’s ashes. [beat] Only they weren’t Bubblegum’s ashes, were they?

Simone Hundin: Bubblegum, go hide! [the dog leaves] If you’ll excuse me, I have some leftover business to handle – and a funeral to attend.

Emerson: As long as it ain’t mine, I’m cool.

Simone Hundin: That remains to be seen. [she draws the shade and leaves]

Narrator: Emerson Cod’s hatred of the dark began after a childhood prank in which he was locked in a washing machine for two nights. [begins struggling] Finding himself similarly trapped, his adrenaline level skyrocketed to a height in which near superhuman strength was achieved. [pulls his arms free and falls off the table with a thud]

Emerson: Yeah, that’s gonna bruise.

[THE PIE HOLE: a disheveled and breathless Emerson bursts in]

Emerson: Hey! My wife’s gonna kill Rumsfeld Snuppy! She’s not my wife – Simone, the wife – you know what the hell I’m saying! Come on!

[SNUPPY’S OFFICE: Snuppy is in his chair dead; the urn is missing. Chuck pries the coffee cup from Snuppy’s stiff dead fingers and sniffs it]

Chuck: Don’t think it’s almond latte.

Emerson: Oh, you think it might be cyanide? Why can’t it just be simple? Easy? He says "My wife". How hard could that possibly be?

Chuck: Well, Hallie didn’t do it: she’s behind bars. Must’ve been Simone.

Emerson: Might not be Simone.

Ned: Simone was hiding Bubblegum, she chloroformed you and tied you up. I’m not going to mention the ball gag. [smiling] That’s gangster love.

Emerson: See? That’s what’s rubbing me! If she was gangsta, she woulda busted a cyanide cap in my ass the moment I sniffed out her dog! But she didn’t!

Chuck: Why don’t we just ask him? [Ned sighs, starts his watch and moves to touch Snuppy; Emerson stops him]

Emerson: Wait, wait, stop! Don’t want to take another trip down Pointless Creek. Okay, maybe Simone did it, maybe she didn’t. But Harold never saw who slipped that poison in his coffee.

Ned: And Snuppy probably didn’t either.

Emerson: [thinking] People are like dogs: they run when they’re guilty.

[OUTSIDE CHAPEL: Emerson pulls up in the car with Ned, Chuck, Digby and the dead Snuppy (who is wearing sunglasses to hide his present state]

Narrator: And Emerson Cod had a plan for how to get their guilty dog to run.

Emerson: All right, let’s get him ready. [Emerson and Chuck are hauling in Snuppy; Ned takes off the sunglasses and places his cowboy hat over his face]

Ned: One last touch, without touching him.

Emerson: [to Chuck] Would you prop him up? He looks like a wino on New Year’s.

Ned: Digby, stay.

[INSIDE CHAPEL: The four widows are in various stages of grief (although Hallie is the only one in shackles), while the four dogs from the Colladorrussellpoo experiment occupy another bench. The trio enter with the dead Snuppy and sit in the back]

Minister: [gestures to the mourners as if they were dogs] Sit. And now, Harold’s sweet wives would each like to say a few words. [each stand at the podium one at a time]

Hillary Hundin: Harold was one of a kind …

Hallie Hundin: Kind-hearted, sweet –

Heather Hundin: – sweet smile, full of the endless love of championing –

Simone Hundin: – champions. He was at the forefront of the breeding world and at the forefront of our lives. He will be dearly missed by all. [as she finishes, the mourners stand. Emerson and Chuck prop up Snuppy; Ned starts his watch]

Emerson: All right, on my mark. Mark. [under his breath] That means now. [Ned touches Snuppy and he looks up to see Harold’s casket coming down the aisle]

Ramsfeld Snuppy: [confused] This would be my funeral, would it? [as the wives follow the casket, Hillary sees Snuppy and freezes in shock]

Hillary Hundin: You’re supposed to be dead! [screams hysterically and pushes past the pallbearers, causing them to drop the casket]

Ramsfeld Snuppy: [makes a face; then to no one in particular] You got a mint? I got the nastiest taste in my – [Ned touches Snuppy and with no one to catch him, drops like a ton of rocks]

Ned: [off Snuppy’s body] Can you take care of that?

Emerson: Yeah! [Ned jumps over the casket, chasing after Hillary, while two pallbearers swing Chuck over the casket; Digby chases after Hillary, barking]

Chuck: Thanks! [to Ned & Digby] Sic her, boys! [Hillary valiantly tries to run away, but the 6’ 4" Ned easily catches up and tackles her down; Digby sniffs at Hillary]

Narrator: The facts were these: [FLASHBACK: Harold’s wedding days; later, Harold presents Bubblegum to Hillary in her shop] When Hillary Hundin became Harold’s one and only, she thought she had the dream life, but adding three more one-and-onlys, was Harold’s idea of dream life. She found new satisfaction as her protagonal union the world’s most perfect dog, Bubblegum, who was truly one of a kind, and the child she had always wanted. But Harold Hundin had other plans for Bubblegum. [FLASHBACK: Harold and Bubblegum are in Snuppy’s office; he hands the leash over and shakes hands] She would be brought into living rooms everywhere via a nationwide chain of Snuppy’s Puppies. Everyone, he believed, deserved to have man’s best best friend. [FLASHBACK: In Hillary’s shop, she and Harold fight over Bubblegum, each grabbing her leash from the other, until Harold takes the leash and walks away, leaving a furious wife behind] However, when he told his first wife Hillary of his plans to clone their prize pup, her reaction was anything but perfect. He had made his decision, Harold had told her, "Bubblegum would be the canine of the future". So Hillary made her own decision: refusing to subject her baby to the same torture as her shared existence had been cursed to live, Hillary poisoned Harold and framed Hallie to take any fall. Knowing Good Hallie served but did not drink caffeine herself. [FLASHBACK: Hillary is in Hallie’s kitchen, planting cyanide in the coffee tin. Later, Hallie is putting Harold’s coffee in a travel mug and hands it to him with a kiss]

Hallie Hundin: Here, sweetie, it’s hot. [FLASHBACK: Harold in his death throes at his office and dying. At Simone’s K-18, the four widows stand before Bubblegum’s pink urn; Snuppy enters with the Bill of Sale in hand]

Narrator: But what the Hundin wives learned upon their husband’s death was that Harold had already signed the contract. [Simone hands the urn to Snuppy] Snuppy owned Bubblegum dead or alive. [FLASHBACK: at The Pie Hole after Olive tells Hillary about Snuppy’s cloning plan]

Hillary Hundin: Snuppy can clone Bubblegum?

Narrator: For Hillary hearing from Olive that Snuppy could clone the child she thought deceased was too much to bear. Over his dead body, Bubblegum would remain unique at all costs. [FLASHBACK: Hillary reaches over Snuppy’s dead body to get the urn] What Hillary did not know was that her multiple murders were for naught, as sister-wife Simone had secretly faked Bubblegum’s death the same morning Hillary took it upon herself to poison their husband. [the police lead Hillary away as the remaining wives watch]

Emerson: [to Simone] If you knew you weren’t guilty, why’d you act like someone who was?

Simone Hundin: To protect Bubblegum: the only way to kill the deal with Snuppy was to kill Bubblegum.

Emerson: So you faked her death. But Snuppy threw you a curveball when he showed you that contract that said Bubblegum was his, dead or alive.

Simone Hundin: That was a surprise. I didn’t know he could clone a dead dog. But I’m sure he was surprised when he discovered that the ashes I turned over were nothing but a wrapped Bubblegum cord.

Emerson: Slick.

Simone Hundin: You don’t know slick. [she smiles and walks away]

Emerson: [smiles back admiringly] Mmm-hmm. [Ned plops down on the grass next to Chuck and Digby]

Ned: I wish I felt more heroic tackling a woman half my size.

Chuck: You brought her down: she was your baby zebra! Or maybe she was the lion who had the baby zebra in her maw and you were the crocodile who came from nowhere!

Ned: I don’t like the idea of being a crocodile, but I guess so long as the baby zebra got away … [smiles]

Chuck: I’m going to hug Digby and pretend he’s you. [embraces Digby and kisses him on top of his head]

Narrator: The Pie Maker was saddened that Chuck could hold Digby while he had no one … [THE PIE HOLE: Ned is closing up as Olive begins walking out with purse in hand]

Narrator: ... Save the waitress ...

Olive: See ya tomorrow.

Narrator: ... Who he now realized that he didn’t not want to hold. Not in that way.

Ned: Olive?

Olive: [stops at the door hopefully] Still here.

Ned: I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you and I’m sorry I said our saliva was incompatible.

Olive: [turns and bravely smiles] I’m a big girl – I’ll be okay.

Ned: I know you will.

Olive: Will you? [beat] How will you ever know your saliva’s compatible unless you kiss her-kiss her?

Ned: I already know. I think I know ... no, I know or I will know. Just takes time.

Olive: Time could take forever. [reaches out and takes Ned’s hands] I hope you and Chuck can make it work, I really do. If you can’t, I hope it doesn’t take forever to figure that out. [sincerely] I just want you to be happy.

Narrator: And Olive did. Though she was not ready to let go of the hope her perfect Pie Maker perfect happiness might lie with her.

Olive: Bye. [leaves]

Narrator: As The Pie Maker pondered at the hand he just held, he began to understand the many different forms love could take, each one precious in its own way. Though some are more unique than others …

[NED’S BEDROOM: Ned folds over the covers on Chuck’s bed for her; they get settled into their beds and turn off the lights]

Ned: You’re the only one for me.

Chuck: I know you feel that now, but there are things you want. There are things we both want …

Ned: So? Everyone wants stuff, we wake up every day with list of wishes and we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn’t mean we need them to be happy.

Chuck: What do you need to be happy?

Ned: [turns and smiles wistfully] You.

FIN.

IronChefCrazy	Latest page update: made by IronChefCrazy , Dec 15 2007, 7:23 PM EST (about this update About This Update Edited by IronChefCrazy 47 words added 5 words deleted view changes - complete history)
	Keyword tags: Pushing Daisies Script Pushing Daisies Transcript More Info: links to this page